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“chapter 21”

Hey guys, it’s Toejones.

We’re gonna start posting again. YAY :D

THE NEXT MORNING:

“Everyone get up!” Cat called “BREAKFAST IS ALMOST READY” she went to each room waking people up until she reached Axl’s. It was empty. “AXL?” she called, going in and looking around “Duff have you seen Axl?” she caught Duff walking out of his room next door. “No” Duff shrugged.

“Slaaaaaash,” Cat cooed. “Have you seen Axl?” Slash yawned.

“Not since last night.”

“He DIED,” Steven said, making up for Axl’s overdramaticness. “There’d be a body if he was dead,” Izzy deadpanned.

“Are you sure you didn’t see him, Slash?” she asked again.

“No, I already told you,” Slash said, being first-thing-in-the-morning grumpy.

 “Check again,” Cat ordered. Slash shuffled to his room and sighed along the way. “He’s in there,” Slash yawned when he returned to the kitchen. “Where is he?” asked Cat, raising her eyebrow. “He’s on the floor on the other side of the bed. Don’t know how he got there, though.” He sat back down at his place at the table and sipped at his coffee with Jack Daniels.

“I’ll get him,” Sam volunteered. She ventured into Slash’s room, peered around the bed, and saw Axl curled up on the floor like a dog. “Get up, you ginger haired drama queen,” she told him, nudging him with her foot

“Owww” he groaned “Slaaaaash, fucking stop that” he opened his eyes “You aren’t Slash. Where’s Slash?” he mumbled. Sam rolled her eyes and bent down to help him up.

“Get up, sleepyhead. You’re on Slash’s floor” Sam said.

“The floor… I was in the bed when I went to sleep” he stumbled upwards.

“Why were you in Slash’s bed?” Sam cocked an eyebrow.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he huffed grumpily. Sam rolled her eyes again “Let’s get some breakfast in you” she shepherded him into the kitchen. He sat down next to Slash “You kicked me out of the bed, asshole” he grumbled.

“Sorry” Slash shrugged.

“Did I hear what I think I heard…” Steven bit his lower lip in a very very derpy moment of stupidity and derp. Axl shot him a glare that could kill medusa “Shut up, Steven”

“I’M not the one who’s fucking Slash” Steven raised his hands up defensively. Axl growled, and then smirked “So you’re jealous of my possible relationship with Slash?”

“NO” Steven snapped “WTF, man?”.

“Because if you keep acting like it I can make this REALLY uncomfortable for all of you” he grinned sadistically.

“Axl, please just ignore Stevie” Slash grabbed his wrist. Axl swatted at it.

“So Slash, how is Axl in bed?” Steven asked casually. Slash grimaced.

“Steven!” Cat barked from the stove “SHUT UP”.

“Owwww” Izzy held his head and sniffled quietly.

“I’m fucking serous Adler. I will make this REALLY awkward” Axl positioned himself to stand up.

“Please, Dear God, NOOOO. Apologize, Steven, please for the love of God please,” Izzy begged.

“Make me,” Steven said stubbornly. Izzy was panicky.

“PLEASE.”

“No.” Stevie crossed his arms and pouted.

“FINE,” Axl said. He hopped out of his chair and into Slash’s lap.

“You guys,” Sam said in a warning tone. “You better quit. It’s too early for this.” Izzy walked over to the couch and flopped down on it face first.

“Axl you asshole, you made Izzy leave,” Duff said.

“Izzy made Izzy leave,” Axl said.

“You’re really heavy,” Slash mumbled. Axl smacked him. “Sorry,” Slash mumbled again. Cat put plates of waffles and eggs in front of everyone. Slash found it difficult to eat with Axl sitting on his lap. “I hate you,” Slash grumbled.

“What?” Axl said, his tone changing from pleasant to venomous

“Get off, Axl” Slash pushed on his back. Axl simply turned around the other way. Slash turned beet red and Steven started to laugh.

“For the love of God, Axl” Duff muttered, shielding his eyes “Please just get off of him”.

“Well it is his job to get on me” Axl said matter-of-factly. Cat and Sam both choked on their food. Izzy could be heard grumbling in the other room and Steven fell out of his chair.

“This obviously isn’t pissing Steven off or making him feel awkward” Slash said reasonably “Axl please get off, you’re making me uncomfortable”. Axl stared at Slash for a second and a silent conversation took place before he pulled himself off of Slash and plopped down in his own chair. He pouted for the remainder of breakfast, refusing to eat or drink anything.

“School, everyone!” Cat exclaimed, throwing clothes at all of them. As soon as they all looked like they were only slightly hungover, Cat shoved them all into the van and Sam drove them to school. “It’s gonna be a long day” Cat sighed to Sam.

“Yeah. Axl’s still back there clinging to Slash and pouting”.

“Breakfast sure was uncomfortable” Cat muttered.

“Yeah… I still don’t know if they actually… I mean Slash was pretty awkward today too”. “Who knows” Cat shrugged.

“I don’t feel well” Axl complained loudly.

“He’s pregnant!” Steven shrieked, and cackled in hysterics. Sam’s expression turned dead serious and she turned around to look at him. “No. Boys loving boys is okay, but never will I write about one man knocking another up. Do you understand me?”

“Yes ma’am,” Steven nodded.

“I don’t feel well either,” Duff said “Join the club.”

“Axl probably just wants to ditch,” Izzy said. Axl looked like he was going to burst into tears.

“It’s like driving around a three year old,” Cat sighed, and pulled over to the side of the road. “If you need to puke, you better do it now, because with God as my witness no one will puke in this van.”

“Nice Scarlett O’Hara speech, Cat,” Sam said. “Thank you,” Cat replied, “I’ve always wanted to do something dramatic like that.” Axl sat sullenly in his seat. “If you don’t need to vomit I’m gonna keep driving.”

“He’s faking, Cat,” Duff said. “Just keep driving.” Cat got back on the road and they were at school shortly.

“I’m not going, I feel shitty” Axl curled into a ball and pretended to sob into Slash’s shoulder. Not being good at telling if Axl’s crying was fake, Slash tentatively patted his head. Steven giggled and hopped out of the van.

“WILLIAM AXL ROSE BAILEY WHATEVER” Cat yelled “You will get out of this car NOW and you WILL go to school!” she grabbed his wrists and with Sam and Duff’s help managed to get him out and the van locked. Axl was still pretending to bawl.

“Good luck, Slash” Izzy muttered and walked off. Steven and Duff paired up to go to geography/ history/ geometry/ whatever.

“Axl, stop being over dramatic” Cat scolded and walked off with Sam. “What a douche” Sam whispered.

“Axl, do you want me to take you to the nurse?” Slash asked.

“Yessss” Axl whined. Slash happily did so. When they got there, the kind old lady nurse had Axl lay down, look his temperature, and asked him a few questions.

“Alright sweetie. When was the last time you had sex?” Without thinking, Axl replied “Last night,” pelvic thrusted, and laughed.

“Okay” she made a check on her clipboard “Who did you have sex with?”.

“…What kind of question is that?” Axl cocked an eyebrow.

“We need to see if you’re pregnant or if you have an STD, they’re just standard questions” The nurse replied in passing “So who was it?”.

“YOUR MOM” Axl snapped.

“Ow… oww…ow” a pathetic voice whined outside, getting closer.

“Dude, suck it up. It’s just a little cut” a second voice scoffed.

“SHUT UP, DUFF” Steven and Duff appeared in the door.

“Oh hey, lovers” Steven waved casually.

“So it was this young man?” the nurse asked, gesturing to Slash.

“NOO” Axl and Slash jumped and waved their hands profusely “Nooo, noo, nooo. I’m straight!” Axl protested.

“I recall you saying it was QUOTE ‘his job to get on me’, Axl” Steven smirked.

“Steven” Axl shrieked “SHUT THE FUCK UP”. Slash put a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re just pissy cus you’re pregnant” Steven shot back. The nurse was busy scribbling everything down.

“I don’t have a uterus, thank you very much,” Axl replied, pointing at the crotch of his tight jeans. The nurse looked slightly offended by this but nodded. “Honey, you need to be honest with me,” she said sweetly.

“I am! Last night, Slash and I took some girls from here home and we screwed ‘em! That’s all that happened!”

Steven’s jaw dropped. He looked to Slash. “Is he serious?” he asked. Slash nodded. “True story.”

“But… but… the sitting on the lap and the… I am so confused. I’m leaving.”

The nurse kept pressing Axl for questions. “Do you think she had an STD that she could’ve given to you?”

“I don’t knooooow,” Axl whined. “Can I just stay here and sleep for a little while?” he smiled sweetly at the nurse.

“As long as you’re out of here by lunch,” she said, showing him to a little cot toward the back of the office. “I’ll stay with him!” Slash volunteered.

The nurse shrugged and grabbed Steven “What happened, Sweetheart?”. Duff rolled his eyes “Steven punched the wall. Maybe his hand is broken”.

“Again, Steve?” Axl scoffed from the cot in the back. Steven shot him a glare “That teacher pisses me off sometimes”.

“Well let’s wrap it up, and you should get x-rays” the nurse did just that and sent him away. She told Axl and Slash to stay put and went off to do something.

“Pffft that nurse and Steven will believe anything” Axl snickered. “Yeahhhh” Slash laughed.

Suddenly, a thousand Slaxl fangirls descended upon them like a plague of locusts.
“WHERE DID THESE BITCHES COME FROM?” yelled Axl, gripping Slash tightly.

“I HAVE NO CLUE!” Slash yelled in return.

They were all sitting on the bed around them. “Cat and Sam told us that you came out,” one of them giggled.

“Who ARE you?” Axl asked, eyebrows shooting up.

“Your biggest fan. Both of you, I mean. Together. As a couple,” another girl said, drawing a heart in the air.

Slash pushed his hair back from his eyes. “How did you know we were in here?” he asked.

“We all know that hot sexy rendezvous take place in school nurses offices,” a girl said. “NOW MAKE OUT.” She pushed Slash’s head toward Axl.

“NO,” yelled Axl. “I WILL NOT KISS HIM.”

They both put their hands on the other boy’s face, trying to keep apart. “Axl, before I die from the herpes you definitely have, I just wanted to say that I-“

“HERPES?” Axl seethed “If I had herpes, you would too by now!” he barked. This made the fangirls push their heads even harder. They both squeezed their eyes shut until BAM! Sam and Cat supersues burst in the door. The other fangirls were so overpowered by the queens of the sueniverse that they stopped pushing and ran out. But, due to the intense force that they were resisting at, when the girls let got Axl and Slash’s faces collided as the fangirls had planned. There was a count of three before both boys smacked each other and fell off opposite sides of the cot. Sam and Cat, who were now back to normal, chuckled at them.

“YOU,” seethed Axl, pointing and Cat and Sam, “YOU PLANNED THIIISSSS.”

“But of course,” Sam said. “We needed to teach you a lesson.”

“You guys were getting way to srs bzns romantic,” Cat told them. “So go back to class, you couple of fakers.”

“NO,” Axl bitched. “SLASH IS MY WAIFU. HE WILL BE MY WAIFU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.”

“How wonderfully OOC,” Cat sang. “Seriously though, get back to class.”

So everyone went back to class, with Axl having his arm intertwined with Slash’s and skipping down the hall. It was the tail end of Spanish, and they tried to slip into their seats unnoticed.

“HEY THERE, LOVERS,” Steven called out. Axl growled in his direction, Steven chuckled, and the teacher kept on teaching as if none of this was going on. Then the bell rang for lunch, and the group headed toward the cafeteria.

“Did the nurse give him drugz?” Duff asked, cautiously eyeing the still giddy Axl.

“I think Cat and Sam gave him some STDs.”

“What?” Sam asked defensively.

“Sue transmitted diseases,” Slash explained, all scientificy. “You somehow passed your magical Mary Sue powers onto him.”

“Did NOT” Sam and Cat chirped back in unison.

“Whatever you say” Slash shrugged and let his arm be clasped by Axl again as they all entered the lunch line.

“Dude, you’re freaking us out” Izzy said calmly, staring in well-concealed horror at Axl and Slash. “SLASH IS MY WAIFU” Axl repeated from earlier.

 “You know guys” Steven sighed, acting very serious “You can’t REALLY be together unless you’ve got in each other’s pants” he said this loud enough for all the gossip-loving girls to hear. The coach they were playing this up for was glaring at them. Axl turned red and Slash hid his face beneath his hair.

“Uh… Steve, this is an inappropriate subject for school” Axl replied coolly, sliding into the dessert section.

“But it’s not too inappropriate for home?” Steve asked, raising his eyebrows. “You’re exposing our daughters to awful stuff!”

“SHUT UP,” whined Axl. “I can sit on Slash’s lap whenever I want.”

“We’ve both read worse, anyway, Stevie,” Sam said matter of factly.

“See, they don’t care,” Axl argued.

“It’s still pretty gay,” Steve replied.

“HEY,” Axl snapped. “It’s not gay if you’re doing it with a bro… not that I WAS.”

Steven cackled and walked toward the group table. The coach was glaring at them the whole time. As soon as everyone was over at the table, he marched over and began to give a long speech about safe sex, talking loudly for all in the cafeteria to hear.

Slash was on the verge of a suicidal meltdown of embarrassment, and Axl was getting pissed. “WE DID NOT HAVE SEX” he screeched. The coach looked taken aback. By this time, the cafeteria was silent.

“That’s not what I heard through the wall last night” Steven snickered, just loud enough. Slash bolted from the table.

“Look what you did!” Axl yelled “Thanks, Steven!” he ran after Slash.

“How romantic” Steven called after him “ALL HE NEEDS IS A QUICKIE TO PICK HIM UP~”

“Steven you took it too far” Duff shook his head in disdain.

“No he did not” Izzy argued “Axl and Slash are basically making fun of gay people. They can’t just be gay when it’s convenient. They need to actually be with each other. They’re being assholes” he took a sip of his spiked drink.

“Well said, Izzy” Cat commended.

“Naw, you know they’re at least somewhat legit” Steven shrugged.

“Whatever” Izzy pffft’d.

“I volunteer Steven to go and smooth this all over,” Sam said. “Why me?” he whined. “Because YOU got them into this mess,” Sam said.

“Fine,” grumbled Steven, pushing his chair in after he stood up. He was pouting with his arms crossed as he walked through the halls looking for Slash and his lunatic ginger friend. “Slaaaaash,” he called out. “Slaaaaaash~”

“Yeah?” came Slash’s voice. Steven had made his way outside at this point and saw Axl standing near a tree, consoling Slash, who was evidently sitting behind said tree.

“Slash?” Steve said gently.

“He doesn’t want to talk to you,” Axl snapped.

“Shut up, Ax,” Slash said. “He can talk if he wants. What, Steve?”

“Ummm, I’m really sorry for teasing you guys,” Steve said quietly. “It’s just you’ve been acting really weird lately and-“

“And what?” Axl snapped again.

“And I’m sorry for teasing you,” he finished.

“Just stop, okay?” Slash pleaded. He pulled his hair out of him face and looked at Steven with the saddest, biggest brown eyes EVER.

Steven heard his heart crack and leapt on Slash, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry, bestest buddy!” he rubbed his face in Slash’s hair.

“Okay, OKAY Steven” Slash pushed him off with a small laugh.

“But seriously, what’s up with you two” Steven narrowed his eyes, sitting in the grass across from them. Axl and Slash shared a look before shrugging. “I seeeee” Steven’s smile turned a little creepy and a lot devious. “Syeea guys” he waved a trotted off.

“He wasn’t sorry” Axl stated. “Nope” Slash sighed.

Steven trotted proudly back into the cafeteria. “It’s all cool,” he said, sliding back into his chair.

“I don’t want to hear anymore teasing out of you,” Duff scolded.

“Don’t worry, Duff, you won’t,” Steven said, failing at hiding his shit-eating grin.

“I know you didn’t apologize,” the all knowing Izzy said, “but I seriously want you to stop alluding to their uhm… possible relationship around me. It’s pissing me off.” He glared at Steven with tired looking eyes.

“Just because I love you, Izzy,” Steven said, snickering. Izzy nodded at this. Axl and Slash came back into the cafeteria soon after and sat as far away as they could from Steven.

“You cool, bro?” Duff asked Slash. Slash nodded. “I broke out the bottle of Jack I had stashed in my backpack, and everything’s cool now.”

“Ahhh cheers” Izzy smiled and clinked his unmarked soda bottle with Slash’s.

“So everyone’s all happy now?” Sam asked, just being sure.

“Yep” Axl leaned on Slash, shooting a glare at Steven, just daring him. Steven managed to stay silent. A few girls giggled up to them. Slash moaned and let his head fall to the table. Axl, on the other hand, looked like he was ready and willing to face these demons. “So… are you like… actually together? Because if you’re not, you’re not cool for pretending you are!” one girl, a twitchy big-chested blond, narrowed her eyes.

Axl smiled “Of course we are” he gave Slash’s arm a small squeeze.

“We’ve never even seen you kiss” an obese girl shouted at them. Axl suddenly looked terrified.

“Wellll,” Axl said slowly, avoiding the eyes of all the obnoxious girls, “we prefer to keep this mostly, uh, private.”

“You should love each other enough to kisssss,” hissed the obese girl.

“Yeah, all the official couples kiss,” the twitchy blonde added.

“It’s PRIVATE,” snarled Axl. “If I was going to kiss him, I wouldn’t do it for you.”

“You muuuust be faking then,” another girl said. “You losers.”

The girls grew closer to Axl and Slash, chanting ‘losers, losers, losers,’ and gradually getting louder and louder. Steven was losing his mind laughing, and Axl was trying to get Slash to pry his head off the table. “Cmon bro, you gotta help me out.”

“No. This is more trouble than it’s worth,” Slash said.

“Please help me, Slasher <333” Axl pleaded, shaking him not-too-violently.

Slash did not budge “Axl, these girls are retarded. Just leave me be” he buried his head deeper into his arms.

Axl was starting to get chanted at as the rest of guns and the girls just stared on and had nice conversation with one another. Axl sighed “Saul, please help me” he said, all sincere.

Slash finally lifted his head up, focused on Axl’s eyes, grabbed his cheeks gently and said “Axl. These girls are shallow and they obviously know not how DEEP our love is. They could never understand” his mouth twitched into a smile for a second.

The girls all awwww’d. BUT thennn “I SEE NO LOVE” just one obese girl barked.

Axl got very defensive suddenly. “Do you even know what love is?” he asked angrily.

“It’s when the girly kawaii uke gets the also girly but not as much as the uke seme’s man part put into his you know where,” one of the girls said. Cat and Sam caught this and were trying very hard to not laugh.

“Where’d you learn that?” Axl asked, sounding sort of horrified.

“Why fanfiction, desu, of course!” she squealed.

“What kind of fanfiction are you reading?” Axl asked, eyebrows raised. “coughcoughthekindwereadfortwoyearsduringmiddleschoolcoughcough,” Cat whispered.

“Love,” Axl said, employing his epic songwriting skills, “isn’t about sex or money or anything. It’s about being with someone you really, truly care about. And that is how I feel about Slash,” he finished.

“BAAAAAW KAWAII DESU,” the girls squealed. “THAT WAS SO DEEP.”

“Dude. Even I think that’s kinda sweet” Izzy’s eyebrows were raised to the rafters.

“Shut up Isbell” Axl turned to hiss.

“So where’s the kiss for the deep love?” a girl asked.

Axl grabbed his hair and pulled violently “DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS I CAN’T CATCH A FUCKIN BREAK!” he grabbed Slash’s shirt “Hurry up and kiss me, asshole” he seethed.

Slash held up his hands “Uh-uh. NO way. FUCK YOU” he shook his head violently “I-I mean, not in public, Cupcake” he corrected.

Duff spit his drink out and laughed “CUPCAKE?!”

“It’s all I could think of” Slash mouthed, shrugging.

Axl still had him by the collar. “Slash just one fucking kiss. I mean, it wasn’t SO bad this morning, right?”.

“WHOA. STOP. HOLD UP. HANG ON. WAIT” Steven shouted “THIS MORNING?”.

“Fuck” Axl facepalmed.

“WHERE WAS I?” Steven asked. “WHY DIDN’T I HAVE A CAMERA?”

“Why would you want a camera, fuckhead?” Axl growled.

“To sell the pictures for millions to people like them.” Steven jabbed a thumb at the dithering group of girls.

“Ffffff,” Axl hissed.

“JUST KISS HIM ALREADY,” yelled on of the girls.

“CUS BLONDIE COULDN’T GET US PICTURES,” another yelled. “On the cheek?” they offered.

“Fine,” Axl said. “Fine fine motherfucking fine. If I do, will you leave me alone?” The girls nodded so hard it looked like their heads would snap off their shoulders. So, Axl leaned over, kissed Slash on the cheek and the girls looked like they would faint after the sound of the angels in heaven stopped ringing in their heads.

“That was weird,” Slash said calmly after the girls left. “You-” he pointed at Axl, “-need to be more careful about what you shout out to whole world, since it may or may not be true”

“May or may not!” Axl glared at Steven.

“There’s still the chance” Steven shrugged.

Slash wiped his cheek off “Dude your lips are really wet” he made a face.

Axl glowered “Fuck you, Slash”.

“Any time, babe” Slash chuckled and leaned back in his chair, taking a drink.

“Oh Dear God, Slash” Izzy pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Just playing along” Slash sent a catlike grin Axl’s way. Axl returned it.

“Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re fucking us or the coach over. Your lies are too convincing” Duff sighed.

“Pfft” was all either Slash or Axl had to say.

“Nauseatingly convincing,” Izzy added.

Axl smirked. “I’ll keep being ambiguous, just to piss you off.” He was in the kind of mood where he wanted to be an asshole-ish friend (like every other day). Izzy sent a tired glare his way. The bell ending lunch rang, and they scurried off to whatever their next period was. Then they all gathered in art with their grumpy teacher.

“I haaaaate this class,” Sam moaned.

“I hate this teacher,” Cat added.

“I hate Axl,” Izzy said.

“Don’t be a hater, Iz,” Axl said, blowing Izzy a kiss. Izzy rolled his eyes and tried to focus on the stupid teacher.

“You have a pop quiz,” the teacher grumbled, “on every vocab word in the book I gave you on the first day that you were supposed to have read.”

Duff raised his hand. “We were supposed to read the whole book?” he said, jaw dropping.

“Didn’t you remember that I told you that? Maybe you’d hear better if you didn’t have all that hair covering your ears.”

Duff glared at the teacher “My hair is fabulous and you’re just jealous because you’re bald”.

The teacher turned red and sent him to the office. Everyone sped through the quiz, because they didn’t know a single word. By the time it was over and done with Duff had returned wordlessly and it was time for a new art project. Yay.

“We’re going to be making Valentines since it’s almost February. But these valentines are special- we’ll be making them out of clay. And you can only use this much clay” he held up about half a pound (which is like nothing) “It must include something significant to why you love them and blablabla” he set out about 30 pounds of clay and set everyone to work.

“This SUCKS” Izzy made sure the teacher heard him.

“I agree, Izzy” Axl nodded “Remember in 7th grade when I made that huge dick out of clay and left it on the teacher’s desk?”

Izzy laughed. “That was hilarious. He got so mad.”

“You think I should do it again?” Axl asked.

“Definitely,” Izzy replied.

“That’s kinda gay,” Steven muttered.

“But it’s funny!” Axl argued.

“It’s kinda juvenile,” Cat said.

“This is Axl we’re talking about,” Duff told her. Axl punched his arm. They continued randomly talking as the teacher passed out tiny slabs of clay.

“This is gonna be hilarious,” Axl chortled. He went to work making his clay penis while everyone else made hearts, the standard Valentine. “Heh heh” Axl put his creation in the back with the other, normal valentines to be fired. The teacher looked over all of the clay on the table, assessing each kid’s assignment.

“Alright we’ll grade these one by one in a public forum” he declared, claiming the only chair. He started going through them, asking who they were for, and what represented the person. When he reached Axl, he seemed pissed, but asked anyway “And what is THIS supposed to represent?”

. Axl began to giggle nervously, and Steven yelled form the back “HIS BOYFRIEND’S GIANT COCK”

Everyone in the class cracked up. “And how’d you know how big it is?” Axl asked, crossing his arms.

“Aaaaaaaaxl,” whined Slash. “Shuuuut up.”

“Uuuuuh,” Steven droned. “I… uhhhhh.”

“That’s what I thought,” Axl said, then returned to the teacher to answer his question. “It represents the disrespect I want to direct toward you, you old dildo licker.” He flipped him off and stomped out of the classroom, trying hard to control his laughter.

Duff’s was speechless. “That was the coolest thing ever!” he finally said. “Can you believe he actually did that?” Slash and Izzy nodded.

“It’s the same thing he did in 7th grade,” he said. Steven was too flustered to reply.

“You all have detention because of Mr. Rose, now,” the art teacher growled, going to his desk. “That is the WORST display of disrespect I’ve EVER seen,” he yelled. Cat felt really guilty, like she always does while the teacher yells at the whole class, and Sam rolled her eyes and yawned.

“So … all of us?” some kid asked. “NO. Just the long haired goons over here and their girlfriends” he jerked a thumb at Guns and Girls.

Cat was beside herself “OHGOD NOO! I HAVE A CRIMMINAL RECORD”.

“We have lots of records” Duff joked. Cat shot him a half angry glare.

“I hope Axl comes back” Slash sighed “I don’t wanna be in detention without him to be a troublemaker / scapegoat for us”. Everyone quietly agreed. So after school was dismissed, they stayed after, sitting quietly and doing nothing at their desks.

“This sucks” Sam whispered to Cat, who nodded.

“It’s all Axl’s fault” Duff huffed “And Izzy’s for egging him on”.

“You were all for it, too!” Izzy scowled

“SHUT UP,” the teacher yelled. “I’ll make it an hour and a half if you don’t be quiet.” Everyone shut their mouths.

Axl paraded back into the room fifteen minutes later. “Where WERE you?” he asked. “Why aren’t you driving me home?”

Slash glared at him through his hair. “Because YOU made a cock out of clay.”

“You guys told me to do it,” Axl whined.

“So nice of you to join us, Mr. Rose,” the art teacher grumbled. “Take a seat, there’s forty-five minutes left of detention.”

“Detention? Why?” Axl gasped.

“I just told you,” Slash said dully.

“And shut your mouth, I don’t want to have to stay any longer,” Cat hissed. Axl sat down and folded his hands on top of his desk.

“I hate you,” Steven whispered. Axl shrugged. “You’ve said that before,” he whispered back

“TEACHER” Axl yelled after about ten minutes, making everyone wince. “What?” he grunted. “I don’t think I should be in detention”.

“Why?” the teacher was looking at a magazine.

“Because I’m GAY” Axl said. Everyone facepalmed “And that means YOU’RE PREDJUDICED” he added.

“So is that why you made a homage to Mr. Hudson’s penis?” the teacher asked bluntly.

Slash balked “Hey- I am NOT his boyfrie-“.

“Shut up, Slash. Yes you are” Axl glared at him. Slash was silent. “Yes. I love my Saul very dearly and it was a form of self expression your ruler-straight mind just can’t comprehend” Axl smiled pleasantly.

The teacher sighed heavily “How far are you going to take this?”

“All the way to supreme court” Axl replied without pause.

“Then I guess you’re all free to go” the teacher rolled his eyes.

“He’s been able to put a shine on BS since we were in Indiana” Izzy smirked and lit a cigarette as soon as they were out of the room.

“Gimme one,” Duff said. Izzy handed him the carton and Duff grabbed a cig and lit up.

“You guys are insane,” Cat exclaimed.

“You should apply to be our legal guardians,” Sam snickered.

“I’m a wonderful mother, but I don’t want to make that kind of commitment,” Axl said as they hopped in the car. Cat got the driver’s seat and drove home.

“Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow,” Steven sang as they drove back to the GNR apartment. “I hate school. I remember why I dropped out, now.”

“Ditto, bro,” Izzy said, blowing a little cloud of smoke. “And then we’ll have two whole days of not having to deal with those idiot teachers.”

“The geometry teacher isn’t that bad,” Steven said.

“You’re just saying that because she has huge tits,” Duff said.

“Why else would I like a teacher?” Steve asked.

“The only teacher I liked during high school had huge tits,” Slash said. “She was fiiiiiine.”

“But not as fine as me, right Slash?” Axl asked, batting his eyelashes.

“Of course not, Cupcake. You’re the finest thing ever,” Slash said in a monotone.

“I know,” Axl replied saccharine sweetly. Izzy made a gagging noise.

“Axl and Slash sitting in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G~” Steven sang.

Axl smirked “Well I’ve never fucked anyone in a tree, Steven. Have you?”.

“…No” Steven pouted.

“That’s what I thought” Axl crossed his arms and leaned back. When they got home, dinner was started and homework was brought out. Sam and Cat ate quietly as the boys spilled food and drinks all over their books and other things.

“Hey, are you guys gonna tutor us tonight?” Duff asked.

Sam and Cat sighed “No” Cat replied “We’re pretty tired, I think we aught to go to bed here after we do our own work”

“Yay, lack of responsible people supervision!” Duff cheered. Everyone halfheartedly cheered in response. “Cheer up, it’s Friday tomorrow!” Duff encouraged.

“I wanna go to the Rainbow again!” Steve whined.

“Please noooo,” Izzy moaned. “I’m still kinda hungover from yesterday.”

“I wanna stay home, too,” Slash said as he channel surfed. “Watching TV and drinking Jack sounds good tonight.”

“You guys are losers,” Steven pouted.

“You’re just a hyperactive man-child who needs constant entertainment,” Axl interjected.

“You’re a lunatic ginger singer who needs constant attention or throws a fit otherwise,” Steven retorted.

“Guys, please chill out” Slash stepped in “Steven, you’re my best friend, and Axl you’re my…. well you’re special to me, too. If you’d both just get along, it’d make everyone’s life, especially mine, easier”

Axl and Steven were all up in each other’s face by this point, so Slash pulled them gently apart with one hand on both of their shoulders. Steven and Axl continued to glare hostilely.

“SLASH I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME MORE” Axl shouted.

“HEY, BITCH” Steven yelled back “BACK OFF, HE SAID TO KNOCK IT OFF”.

“BRING IT ON, SASQUATCH” Axl beckoned for Steven to come at him. And Steven did. He flew at Axl and knocked him into the couch, flipping the poor ugly thing in the process.

“BITCH FIGHT” Duff yelled.

“Sweet Jesus,” Izzy moaned. “I’m going to aimlessly drive until they stop fighting.” He walked out the door, grabbing the car keys in the process.

“Guys, please,” Slash said, still trying to intervene, “I love you both. Equally. Just quit fighting!” They didn’t listen. Axl was on top of Steven and the punches were flying in both directions.

“Should we shake a can of coins, like you do with dogs?” Cat asked, panicky.

“I don’t know,” Sam replied, growing just as hysterical as she watched the melee.

“GUYS,” shouted Slash, trying to pry them apart.

Axl had Steven’s shirt balled up in his fists and refused to let go. “LET ME BEAT HIM UP, SLASH,” he screamed. “THAT LITTLE HAIRY FUCKER HAS HAD IT COMING FOR WEEKS.”

“DON’T CALL ME LITTLE,” shouted Steven back, punching Axl’s nose and making him bleed.

“MY GORGEOUS NOSE,” Axl wailed. “HOW COULD YOU STEVEN.” He grabbed a fistfull of Steven’s hair and yanked hard.

“OWWWWW OH DEAR GOD” Steven howled. Duff chuckled.

Axl pulled again, using both fists as much as possible. Steven was still yelping and howling, but managed to roll over so he was on top of Axl, knocking over the coffee table with a full vase of flowers and water over. The vase broke between Axl’s legs and just behind Steven’s butt. Neither seemed to notice as Steven relentlessly plowed his fist into Axl’s nose again.

Axl let go of Steven’s hair, opting for a more effective punch in the gut. Steven stopped punching, gasping for air, and Axl pushed him off into the pile of glass, scrambling to stand. Steven caught his ankles and pulled him down as hard as he himself had fallen, into the sea of glass. At this point it was impossible to tell who was bleeding from where.

“GUYS,” shouted Slash, throwing an empty bottle near to the two fighting boys. “FUCKING STOP IT.” They both paused and looked at Slash, who looked beside himself with anger. “This is fucking ridiculous. I love you both. Now get up, stop beating the shit out of each other, and hug it out like men.”

“Way to go Slash,” howled Duff, clapping.

Axl and Steven stood up, but refused to look at each other.

“I’ll be right back. Let me put on a new shirt, since Mr. Neurotic-Pants decided to get my white shirt all bloody,” Steve growled.

“You had it coming,” Axl said, brushing shards of glass off his pants.

“Axl,” Slash said warningly. “You better quit.”

“Or else what?” Axl asked smugly.

Slash raised his eyebrows. “You really want to try me right now, Rose?”

“Okay, okay,” Axl said, holding up his hands as if he was innocent of anything.

“C’mon, Steve,” Slash said, “lemme find the Band-Aids for you.” Steven stuck out his tongue at Axl as he retreated with Slash into the bathroom to look for Band-Aids.

“SLASH I’M CUT UP TOO” Axl yelled back. Slash ignored him and shut the door behind him and Steven.

Duff plopped down on one of the remaining upright armchairs and sighed “Axl why do you start shit like this?” he asked.

Axl shrugged “Duff, I don’t even know” he sat on the arm of Duff’s chair.

“You know Slash loves you equally” Duff reminded him, taking a swig of the unmarked bottle in his hand.

Axl grumbled “That’s the point. He’s not supposed to”.

Duff cocked an eyebrow “What do you mean by that?”. He handed the bottle to Axl, who chugged about half of it. “Well he’s MY Slash. Not Steven’s. He’s also MY guitarist” Axl scowled.

Duff shook his head “And that’s where you’re wrong. Slash is his own Slash, and he’s all of ours” he took back the booze.

Axl looked on the verge of tears “It isn’t FAIR” he shouted “I hate Steven! he does nothing but torment Slash and me for like two weeks and then Slash helps HIM instead” he snatched Duff’s bottle back, chugged the remaining drink, and threw it across the room.

Duff winced “Dude, maybe you’re taking this fake dating shit too far, you’re starting to get way attached to Slash”.

Axl crossed his arms, out of things to destroy. “Duff you may be right. But I … need to tell you something. That one time in the hotel where everyone was freaking out Slash and I a-” he was cut off as the garage door slammed open and Izzy appeared, taking in the damage.

“I almost feel like leaving again, but I’m hungry,” he said, stepping over all the broken glass. “You’re looking worse for the wear, Axl,” he added.

“Ya think?” Axl exclaimed. “That little sasquatch beat the ever-loving fuck outta me! How do you think I’m feeling?”

“Cat or Sam, get him some Midol,” Izzy teased, walking into the kitchen and coming back with a bag of chips.

Slash and Steven reappeared in the living room a few moments later. Steven was all bandaged up and in a new shirt, though still wearing his bloodstained, holey jeans.

“Your turn, Axl,” Slash said. Axl stepped up from the couch and followed Slash into the bathroom.

“It’s good you weren’t around for that, Izzy, it got nasty,” Duff said.

“Stupid fucking Axl,” Steven said. “He thinks he’s so cool, like he can go around beating up anyone he wants. I can’t wait till he’s in jail and I can laugh at him when he calls the house for his one phone call.”

“Hey, now” Duff snapped, much to Izzy and Steven’s surprise. They both snapped their heads around to look at him. “Axl isn’t as bad as he seems” Duff bit his lip “It just so happens that we had a little talk. I think this thing with him and Slash goes deeper than they let on…. Just, stop teasing about it, okay? And Izzy stop acting like it disgusts you so much” Duff crossed his arms awkwardly. Standing up for Axl was new. Steven and Izzy were speechless. They had just been berated by Duff, of all people. They looked at their shoes and shuffled off in different directions without a word.

In the Bathroom….

“OW” Axl shouted, biting his lip. Slash put the piece of glass into the Tupperware all of the glass he’d removed from Steven was in.

“It’s okay, Ax. Just three hundred more pieces to go” Slash smiled guiltily.

“You should’ve tried to stop it,” Axl moaned, sticking out his bottom lip. “SHIT, OUCH,” he yelped as Slash yanked out a piece of glass that was in particularly deep.

“What do you think I was doing when I said ‘Stop Steven, stop Axl, I love you both equally.’?” He dropped the piece of glass into the Tupperware bowl and moved the tweezers to Axl’s face, where he had a ton of tiny shards embedded in his cheeks.

“You were trying to… I don’t know.” Axl sighed. “Stupid Steven. He acts like the annoying little brother that never lived with me.”

Slash chuckled. “He’s part of the family, though. He cracked a guy over the head with his cast for talking shit about you.”

“That’s true….”

“And you forced him into giving you 5% of his songwriting profits,” Slash added. “You can’t hate on the guy, as annoying as he can be sometimes.”

“I guess you’re right,” Axl said softly.

“There” Axl heard a ‘plink’ as the last on the glass in his face was extracted. Slash rubbed his face off none-too-gently with peroxide and Axl yelped. Steven knocked on the door “I hear cries of paaaain~” he sang “What ARE you guys doing?” he snickered, obviously forgetting what the entire fight was over. Axl seethed and acted like he was gonna go back out and reopen every wound Slash had repaired, and then add more. But Slash intervened.

“Steven, stop being so immature. I just pulled about half the vase out of Axl’s cheek. Unless you want to fight him again, I suggest you go away”.

So Steven did, moping off back to Duff and Izzy, who had cracked open a bottle of scotch. “So what were you saying before I left?’ he asked. Duff cleared his throat “Well Axl and I had a pretty deep chat. He was about to say something about why him and Slash are fucking with whichever side they’re fucking with. I think it was gonna be a srs bznz confession”

Izzy looked intrigued. “Oh really?” he asked, sipping on his scotch and sounding intrigued. Duff nodded. “I kinda want to know one way or the other,” Izzy added. “Just to get it over with.

“You’ll never knoooowww,” sang fourth wall-breaking Sam and Cat from a different room.

“Why?” Izzy asked. Sam cackled and Cat remained silent. Axl and Slash emerged from the bathroom.

“I can has scotch, plz?” Axl asked, flopping down on other couch between Izzy and Duff. Izzy handed him the whole bottle, not even bothering to fetch him a glass from the kitchen.

“Discussing your orientation,” Steven said, then remembering that he was supposed to stop being an asshole and clamping his hands over his mouth.

“Wait, what? Say that again Stevie,” Axl said. Steven shook his head.

“I said nothing,” he replied.

“We were having a pretty deep conversation and Steven got ahead of himself” Duff explained.

Axl shot him a glare, immediately catching on “I’d learn to keep your mouth shut about stuff if you want me to continue talking to you” he hissed.

Duff shrugged “I divulged nothing”.

Slash grabbed the scotch bottle “I need new friends” he muttered “Or I could just hang out with Duff and Izzy only, that’d work too”.

“But you said you loved us EQUALLY” Axl snapped. Slash rolled his eyes

“I am going to bed. See you tomorrow morning” he ruffled Steven’s hair on the way by and gave Axl a playful slap in the head.

THE NEXT DAY.

The boys were up early, not wanting to have either of the girls use the air horn. Cat was trying to get everyone’s crap into their respective backpacks, and Sam was making pancakes. Axl’s was already talking, even though he claimed to be half-asleep.

“Can you believe that no one recognized us yesterday?” he blabbed. “I mean, look at this face! It’s in the top 100 most recognizable faces ever, easily.”

“I think I’m more recognizable than you,” Slash mumbled sleepily. “But yeah, I agree.”

“Why would you say that?” Axl said. “I’m the singer, and you’re only the lead guitarist. Pfffft.”

“It’s because of this,” he held up a handful of his hair, “and this.” He pointed to his hat, which was already perched on top of his head.

“Don’t start boys,” Sam chastised.

“It’s too early.” Duff yawned. “Way too early. Remind me someone, why do we have to do this?”

“Because we’d be being careful of not dropping the soap in prison if we weren’t,” Izzy replied.

Duff chuckled, sipping at his cranberry juice which he had spiked with vodka. “I guess this is slightly better, then.”

“Of course it’s better!” Steve said enthusiastically. “At least there’s hot girls in school!” The boys were silent after he said this, and then said, “Agreed,” in unison.

“I am so ready for first period to start” Izzy grinned “Mr. Sunbeam made us brownies”.

“Izzy” Cat ‘tsk’ed “there better not be drugs in those brownies”. Izzy shrugged, saying no more on the subject.

“Don’t come to us crying then if you passed out after vomiting on the blacktop during gym,” Sam said, crossing her arms.

“That won’t be a problem,” Axl said loudly. “‘Cause we’re DITCHING gym.” Slash facepalmed.

Cat became very disciplining-parent all of a sudden and said, “If you ditch, you’re grounded!”

Axl looked down at her. “Oh yeah? You’re gonna ground me? You’re fifteen and I’m your mother.”

Sam quickly intervened. “You’re supposed to be sorta trying so you don’t get sent to jail, and I don’t think ditching conveys that message.” Axl crossed his arms.

While Axl and the girls were having angry silence time, Steven piped up. “I can’t wait for geometry! I definitely want that teacher to tutor me.” He grinned widely.

Duff gave him an incredulous look. “Dude, teachers can get in trouble for having sex with their students.”

Steven pffted. “I’m >insert age< anyway, and she won’t be able to resist my manly charms.”

“And your shaved back” Axl snapped angrily, unable to keep quiet any longer.

Steven growled “It’s coming back even thicker, thank you”.

“So are you, like, into hair pulling?” Izzy asked casually, a smile forcing its way onto his face. Steven smacked him hard “What is it? Make fun of Stevie hour?” he pouted and crossed his arms.

“Look, lets just get to school without further incident” Duff said reasonably.

AT SCHOOL:

“First period, OH YEAH!” Izzy was out of the car before it completely stopped.

“That’s dangerous!” yelled Axl.

“Says the man who jumped out of Slash’s car and ran down the highway!” Izzy shot back over his shoulder. He was already halfway to the portable.

“Don’t get too high, Iz!” called Stevie. Cat squealed into her parking space and the rest of the boys were out of the car.

“You better not ditch again, Axl,” Sam told him. “I don’t want you getting in any more fights with Kurt.”

“Why not?” Axl asked, rolling his eyes.

“Because it makes everyone you know look bad,” retorted Sam, narrowing her eyes.

Axl glared at her before saying, “Fine. Maybe I’ll go to geometry today just to see how hot this teacher is.”

“Just don’t get in trouble,” Cat warned.

“Please,” Axl told her. “Does this look like trouble?” He was wearing his red leather thong over white tights, and no amount of coaxing from Slash, Duff, or Steve could get him to change.

“I’ll try to get him to change next hour” Slash assured them before wandering off.

“DON’T DO ANYTHING TOO SEXUAL” Cat yelled after him bluntly. She saw Slash hide his face and sprint off.

“That was great. Told you it’d be funny to yell” Sam snickered. They high-fived….

WITH IZZY BECAUSE SAM CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT CLASS ANYONE ELSE HAS FIRST:

Mr. Sunbeam was passing out brownies to everyone. Izzy was serenading a really pretty Punk girl with his acoustic, and everyone was all around happy… until…

“OMG NO FIRE” a girl screamed. Somebody had dropped a lit match they’d been using “NOOOO”

A small fire started where the match had been dropped. All the stoned people were trying to stomp it out with their feet, but were failing miserably.

“Is there a fire extinguisher in here?” Izzy asked calmly.

“Fire extinguishers are for the man,” Mr. Sunbeam told him, totally ignoring the fire.

“Ookaaay,” Izzy said, watching the flames flicker higher. “Someone should do something,” he said.

“We’re trying bro,” a gangster dude told him. “This is really fucking hard!”

Someone yelled ‘that’s what she said’ from the back of the room. Some girl, totally stoned out of her mind, dumped a bunch of nail polish remover on the fire. FFFWOOM. The fire was practically grazing the ceiling.

“What you do that for?” Izzy asked her.

“I thought it was water,” she sobbed.

Izzy marched over to his backpack, grabbed the water bottle Cat had packed him, and poured it near the base of the fire. It did little to quell the flames. “This sucks,” Izzy said flatly. “Mr. Sunbeam, I think we need to ask for-“

“NO. They’ll shut down the class if they find out what we’re doing Izzy,” he said desperately. Izzy sighed. “Everyone out of the classroom,” Mr. Sunbeam said. The class stumbled out of the portable and watched as it was consumed by fire. It was a trippy sight, bro.

WITH AXL IN GEOMETRY:

Axl had decided to listen to the good side of his conscience that morning and went to the new geometry classroom. Much to his chagrin, he saw Kurt sitting in the front row. Kurt grinned and gave him a hello wave, just to piss him off. Axl fumed, and the sight of a red-faced ginger in tights and a thong was quite hilarious. Kurt tried to stifle his snickers.

The teacher sauntered up to him and asked “Are you William Rose?” “Yes,” grumbled Axl, fists clenched.

The teacher smiled and said, “I’m glad you could join us, Mr. Rose. You’re sitting…” she looked around the room, “right next to Mr. Cobain there.” Axl sputtered angrily as he slid into his desk.

“Wazzup, Rosie?” Kurt smiled playfully.

“RAPE OMG” Axl yelled. The entire class turned to face them, different looks of confusion and horror plastered onto their faces.

“HE JUST TOLD ME WHAT HE WANTS TO DO TO ME” Axl sobbed.

“I just said ‘hi’” Kurt argued, starting to panic.

The teacher was extremely confused. She leaned forward to speak to them quietly, her lowcut shirt revealing AWSUM BEWBAGE. Both boys were silent and slowly growing red as her mouth moved. They didn’t hear a word of it.

“Okay, boys?” she scolded. They both nodded, not exactly knowing what they were agreeing to. “So you want to do what we talked about?” they both nodded again. “Alright! Class, all of today’s lesson will be taught by Mr. Bailey and Mr. Cobain”

“Wait, what?” Axl yelled.

Their teacher looked confused. “Didn’t you hear what I just said?”

“Uhhh….”

“I knew I shouldn’t have worn this shirt!” she said, looking down at her HUGE BEWBS OMGFAJK. “You silly teenage boys with your hormones” She smiled as she pushed them up toward the chalkboard… the boys, not the boobs.

“What’s the lesson on?” Axl asked, uncharacteristically nervous for being in front of an audience.

“Read the board, dumbass,” Kurt told him. They were going to be learning about the different types of polygons there were.

“I don’t know shit about math!” Axl whined at the teacher.

“That’s too bad,” she said, tsking and shaking her head. “When you get in trouble in this class, the punishment is to teach and see what I have to deal with. Now teach, boys, the class is listening.” Axl remained angry and silent while Kurt bs’d the whole time.

At last, the bell rang, the kids all leaving stupider than they were to begin with. “That was hell, thanks, douche!” Axl punched Kurt semi-hard in the shoulder. Kurt punched him back “It was your fault, Rosie” they stood in not-quite-hatred for a while until Slash came up to them, a bundle of books in his arms.

“Hey Ax” Slash smiled at Axl, who smiled back.

“Your boyfriend, I take it?” Kurt asked, sounding serious. Axl turned beet red “NO” he punched Kurt harder. Kurt held up his hands defensively “Sorry, man. I assumed you were… you know, since you wear stuff like…that” he gestured to Axl’s very-out-of-dresscode attire.

Slash shrugged “He has a point. By the way, that outfit doesn’t look very good on you, maybe you should change”.

“Why would I change? I love my tights”.

“It makes you look fat” Slash deadpanned. Axl gasped and looked down at himself. He ran off to the bathroom, on the verge of tears.

Kurt stood a moment with Slash, looking from the retreating Axl to Slash. “There is no way you aren’t hitting that”

“Uhhhh,” Slash said slowly. “No. I’m not. I’m straight.”

“Uh-huh,” Kurt said incredulously. “Go comfort your boyfriend. Catch ya round, Curly.” Kurt went off to his next class.

Slash sighed and went to the bathroom, making an effort to console the very PMS-y W. Axl Rose. When he walked in, Axl was standing in front of the mirror, sniffling, and pinching his thighs.

“You don’t really think I look fat, do you Slash?” he asked, soundly like a sad puppy would sound if it could talk. (lol wut XD)

“I was KIDDING,” Slash said. “Couldn’t you tell?”

“No,” said Axl, seemingly fighting back more tears.

“I don’t think you look fat, okay?” Slash told him, raising his hands.

“Say I look sexy, and I’ll forgive you.”

“No.”

“Say it,” Axl said, sounding more like his normal self.

“You look sexy,” grumbled Slash.

“Say it louder, with more feeling.”

Slash blinked. “This isn’t phone sex,” he told him. Axl looked dead serious. “You look sexy,” Slash said at normal volume.

“Thank you,” Axl said. “Now let’s find Izzy so we can ditch gym together. I’m not letting some fifteen year olds boss me around!”

“Alright, whatever you say DEAR” Slash rolled his eyes and followed Axl out.

“Oh bby” Axl laughed. Kurt walked by “Pfff. liars” and he was gone. They both facepalmed.

AT THE GYM:

“Hey Izzy~” Axl waved erratically, drawing the attention of every huge football player there.

“Axl… pot Class burned down” Izzy sniffled. Axl gasped and uncharacteristically comforted Izzy with a hug. “I am sooo sorry” he let go.

“Well if it makes you cheer up, Kurt Cobain thinks Axl and I are gay together” Slash sighed. Izzy cocked an eyebrow “Don’t you mean ‘knows’?”.

“…Wait, what?”.

“Hurry up and get outta here guys, if coach sees us here we wont get to skip” Axl grabbed Slash’s wrist and Izzy’s sleeve and tugged.

The boys managed to sneak behind the bleachers unnoticed. “That was almost too perfect,” Izzy said, wiping his brow.

“What do we do now?” asked Slash, lighting a cigarette. Axl swiped it, leaving Slash to light another.

“We could write a song,” suggested Izzy.

“I’m going to write a song about how much I hate Kurt Cobain.”

“You already wrote that about other people, Axl,” Izzy told him. “It’s called Get in the Ring.”

Slash snorted. Axl smacked him across the back of the head. “I mean, go for it, bro,” Slash mumbled.

Axl took out a pen and piece of paper from his backpack. “How should I start it?” he asked. “You’re the lyrics genius, you tell me,” Izzy deadpanned, rolling his eyes.

“I was thinking aloud, you dildo, I wasn’t being serious,” he snapped.

“I fucking hate you. You’re a son of a bitch who steals all of the attention and your hair is a stupid colour. Your clothes are embarrassing and you’ve resorted to your lonely guitarist because you can’t get any women” Izzy said.

Axl grinned “Perfect, Izzy!” and scribbled it down. Izzy smacked his forehead. Slash glared at him “He did not ‘resort’ to me. And I am not lonely”.

“So you admit something’s goin on then?” Izzy examined his nails, loving himself.

Slash opened and closed his mouth several times before lighting two more cigarettes and stuffing all three into his mouth.

Izzy snickered. “You guys are great,” he said, leaning back against the bleachers.

“Izzy, I’m not fucking lonely!” Slash whined.

“I never said you were. I could’ve been talking about anyone there. Obviously Axl isn’t offended.”

Axl was busy scribbling down what Izzy had said. “What?”

Izzy laughed again. “Never mind, just forget I said anything.” It was quiet for a while before Axl said, “I hope we don’t get sent to jail for ditching.”

“Naaah, man,” Izzy said, waving away the notion with his hand. “We already got all our gym credits in Indiana, they couldn’t be mad at us for-“

“LOOKS LIKE OUR LADIES FROM THE CLASS ARE DITCHING.” It was their coach.

“Shit,” Izzy said. Slash took the three cigarettes out of his mouth and stomped them out.

“What do you ladies think you were doing? Writing your pansy songs and smoking Mary Jane?”

“They were cigarettes,” Slash told him matter of factly.

“I didn’t ask you, curly!” he yelled.

“Actually, you did!” Slash held up a finger. The coach grabbed him by the back of his shirt and hauled him out from under the bleachers. Axl scampered out after him and Izzy lagged behind.

“Well, GIRLIES, it looks like we have three for detention”.

“You’re only doing this because I’m different” Axl seethed.

The coach snorted “Different. And how exactly are you different in a way that you could sue?” Axl, king of suing people, grinned “Because I’m one fourth black”.

Slash glared daggers at him “He means gay” he snapped.

“And Slash is my BOYFRIEND” Axl yelled back, on the ball.

“Way to go, you beat each other” Izzy clapped lazily “And now the entire gym class thinks you’re gay”

They both stared at Izzy. “…What?” Slash said finally.

“You are now Axl’s half black gay boyfriend. Congratulations!” Izzy smiled sarcastically and clapped his hands together.

“FUCKCOCK,” Axl yelled, facepalming. “I was in the heat of the moment, you can’t blame me!”

“That’s what she said,” Izzy said, “and that was the gayest thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”

“I’m not gay!” Axl yelled. “So say your tights and thong combo,” Izzy retorted coolly.

“Shut up Jeffery, you’re not making this better!” Axl yelled, stomping his foot. The bell to go to third period rang. “Have fun walking Axl to class, Slash,” Izzy snickered with a wave, walking to third period which was…. Spanish… I think.

“WE’RE GOING TO THE SAME CLASS ASSHOLE” Slash yelled after him. “Wouldn’t wanna intrude” Izzy waved again, already out the door. Axl and Slash shared a look of despair, but walked off together anyway.

“This could keep us out of trouble though” Axl mused “And it’s not like we didn’t-” he was cut off as Slash put a hand over his mouth.

“Please don’t go there. I was pretty sure we agreed to keep that in a vault that was to never be opened”.

“All it takes is a hissy fit on my part” Axl shrugged “But seriously. NO trouble EVER” he grinned.

“We couldn’t stop this rumor if we tried anyway” Slash sighed.

IN CLASS WITH EVERYONE ELSE (Spanish was everyone, right? XD):

“OMG DID U GAIZ HERE?” a too-preppy girl asked the gunners (minus Axl and Slash) and the girls.

“Hear what?” Sam asked pleasantly.

“Those two new guys are actually going together! The hot half-black guy and the one who dresses like a Japanese prostitute”. Steven, Duff, and Izzy all started cackling.

“They came OUT?” Cat squealed.

“No way” Sam shook her head “I didn’t even actually think”… the whole room was shushed as Axl and Slash came in the room. Slash handed Axl back the books he was carrying, hiding his face behind his hair.

“Why is everyone staring at us, Axl?” Slash whispered. Axl shrugged and snatched Slash’s hand, pulling him into an empty row of desks next to the girls and other gunners. He shoved Slash into the front desk and took the one behind him. Slash pulled his hair more into his face. The teacher started class, but no one could contain themselves.

“Slash, Axl!” Cat hissed. They both turned. “I can’t believe you had the balls to profess your love! After all those times you-“

“It was only once!” Axl snapped.

Cat cocked an eyebrow “What was only once?”.

Axl opened and closed his mouth “Uh… never mind”.

“So the whole school knows you guys are an item now, just so you know” Sam interjected, leaning over.

Slash blushed like crazy “It was Axl’s idea!” Slash whined. Axl rolled his eyes “I believe that you started this”. “HOW?” Slash hissed, verging on too loud.

Axl sighed in the OMG-are-you-really-that-stupid way “Well I believe it was YOU who tried to calm me down after our fight when we were with Dethklok”. Slash opened and closed his mouth.

“Wait… what happened at the hotel?” Cat asked.

“That is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” Slash raised his voice, and fast as lightning the Spanish teacher was there.

“Whats goeenk on?” he asked.

“I-uhh” Slash stuttered. “Go to the ofeece, meester Hudson” the teacher pointed out the door. Slash shot a dirty look at Axl as he trudged out. Axl blew his a kiss in return and laughed.

“How long have you known about this, Iz?” Duff asked, raising his eyebrow. Izzy snickered. “They came out last period,” he replied.

Steven was cracking up. “It was only a matter of time,” he chortled.

Sam shot a look in Axl’s direction. “I hope you realized how much shit you’ve gotten yourself into,” she said. Axl waived it off. “I don’t think it’ll be that bad. How hard can pretending to be gay be?”

“You dress like a drag queen anyway,” interjected Izzy. “Shut up Jeffery!” Axl snapped. “You’ll have to deal with Kurt’s teasing,” Cat said.

“KUUUUUUUUUUUURT NOOOOOOOOOO,” Axl yelled overdramatically into the air. “I didn’t even fucking think of that! Fuck! I need to ungay myself!”

“Yes?” Kurt said. He was right behind Axl. “What is this about you being gay?”

“I’m not gay,” Axl growled, turning around to look at Kurt. “Your outfit says otherwise,” Kurt replied coolly.

“Wait, didn’t we already have this conversation today?” Axl said.

“Not enough can be said about the gayness of that outfit,” Kurt said.

“My gaydar is off the charts!” yelled Sam.

“I SWEAR I’ll kick your ass!” Axl snapped his fingers.

Kurt bit his lip and tried not to laugh “Did you just…. SNAP at me?!” he burst into hysterics.

Axl blushed “Hey- stop laughing! Stop it!” he punched Kurt in the arm, but he couldn’t stop laughing. “HEY ASS HOLE I SAID STOP LAUGHING” he hit him again.

Kurt wiped tears from his eyes “Don’t even try, Rosie. I know your weakness”. Axl laughed “I have no weaknesses!”

“You look OBESE in those pants. I mean look at these love handles!” Kurt pinched Axl’s sides. Axl’s face fell like 3,000 feet below sea level.

“Here it comes again,” Duff said, preparing for the inevitable tantrum. Axl turned bright red, and he started screaming.

“YOU SHOULD SHUT UP,” Axl yelled. “GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND SHUT UP.” He sounded like he was sobbing, but no one was quite sure. Everyone in the room directed their attention toward Axl. “I’M NOT FAT, OKAY!” Axl continued. “I’M PERFECTLY SKINNY. AT LEAST I HAVE A SENSE OF STYLE. ALL YOU WEAR IS PLAID.” Axl was stomping his feet and flailing his arms and Kurt was looking unimpressed.

“You sure you feel that way?”

 Axl narrowed his eyes until they were practically closed. “I’m so sure I could kill a bitch.”

 “Let’s go motherfucker” Kurt grabbed Axl by the scruff of his neck and drug him out into the hallway. The entire class ran off after them, hoping to catch a glimpse of them killing each other. Slash was walking down the hall when Kurt threw Axl across it. He rolled his eyes, pushing his worry away with frustration.

“Dumbass” Slash walked up to join Sam, Cat, and the gunners. “Thought you went to the office” Cat said, gaze not wavering from Axl and Kurt. Slash shrugged “Forgot my backpack”.

“Gonna help him?” Sam asked. Slash shrugged again “Naw, I’ll wait until it gets really bad to do anything” So they waited. Axl was losing pretty bad, Kurt may have been shorter and lighter than Axl, but he was a lot quicker.

The teacher finally made his way back from the principal’s office, and was horrified to see Slash watching Kurt beat up Axl. “You must stop eet now!” he said. He somehow managed to break up the fight, and drug the three of them off to the principal’s office while telling everyone to get in the classroom and stay quiet.

“Thees boy was beating thees girl up!” the Spanish teacher said when they walked inside. “I’m a boy, you dickhead!” Axl growled. He had a bloody lip and nose, and was more grumpy than usual. “Come with me,” the principal said to Axl, beckoning him into the office. Axl drug his feet into the office and sat down in the chair. “Now, Mr. Rose, you have certainly had your share of problems in the past. In Indiana, you got arrested 20 times before you dropped out of school. Are there any problems you want to discuss with me?”

“NO” Axl bared his teeth. The principal didn’t look even slightly surprised. Axl tried growling. Nothing changed.

“Now, William” the teacher sighed, took off his glasses, and leaned his elbow on the table, interlacing his fingers. Axl scoffed, realizing he was about to get a ‘serious’ talk. “I understand you feel the need to act out because of what happened to you in your childhood, but there are people who can help you with this pent up anger” Axl gasped

“NO ONE talks to me about that- I aughtta-” he was cut off.

“The past trauma may also have something to do with your relationship with Saul”.

Axl stood up abruptly “Shut. The fuck. UP” he said dangerously.

“I don’t see why it’s so hard for you to talk about this, it happens to everyone once. You just experienced it a little differently than normal”.

“What? It happens to- What the fuck are you talking about?” The principal sighed in a very old-person-y way. “William, everyone gets caught… pleasuring themselves…you just happened to be caught by a boy your age. It happens and it can confuse you about your orientation”. Axl stood there for a very long time silently before speaking “Dude… what the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about… baybayyyy….”

“YOU,” Axl snarled, pointing his finger at the principal. “YOU’RE THAT BISEXUAL STIPPER/CLOWN/TATTOO ARTIST!”

“In the kah-kah-kah-flesh,” Rockzo/Chett said, grabbing Axl’s hand and petting it soothingly.

“Stop that!” Axl shrieked, his voice jumping an octave. Axl jerked his hand back and ran screaming out of the office.

“What’s with him?” Kurt asked Slash. Slash shrugged in reply. “Well, screw this, I’m leaving.” Kurt left the office. Slash sighed and followed suit. The bell ending third period rang a few minutes ago, and now lunch was in session.

“This school… is insane,” panted Axl as he reached the cafeteria.

“Sounds like someone had a good time in the principal’s office,” Steven said, grinning slyly. Axl smacked him. “The principal is Chett… or Rockzo… whatever the fuck his name is! The dude who has that weird man crush on me. You gotta get me outta here!”

“How’d he get a job as a principal?” Cat thought aloud. “Who knows?” shrugged Sam. “He’s everywhere.”

“Everywhere I AM” Axl sobbed, burying his face in his hands. Slash slung an arm around him and sighed “Dude, it’s okay”. Axl twisted away from Slash

“NO IT ISN’T I DON’T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE SLASH. I HATE IT HERE AND I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF BECAUSE IT SUCKS AND EVERYONE HERE IS AN ASSHOLE AND THAT DUDE IS STALKING ME AND I HATE CLASSWORK AND THIS IS WHY I DROPPED OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE ASSHOLES DICKHEADS STALKER INDIANNA TRAUMA BLABLABLBA” Axl continued his tantrum. Slash held onto his upper arms to keep everyone at the table safe, and Axl was twisting and flailing as he screamed.

“Jeez, Axl’s throwing the biggest fit I’ve seen in a long time” Duff observed, munching on a sandwich Cat had made him the previous night. Everyone quickly agreed.

“I dunno if he’s gonna stop screaming until he passes out” Izzy snickered “he’s done it before”. Axl’s face was turning pale. He hadn’t taken a breath in a while, and he was still screaming. He stopped midsentence and his head hit the table. Everyone in the Guns group stopped eating.

“Woah,” Stevie said through a mouthful of sandwich.

“Told ya,” Izzy said. “What do we do?” asked Duff. “Wait until he snaps out of it. He’s only usually out for a minute or so,” Izzy explained.

“How many times have you dealt with this, Iz?” Cat asked. “Too many,” Izzy chuckled. The cafeteria seemed a lot quieter after Axl’s tantrum, and everyone finished their lunches and sat at the table waiting for Axl to regain consciousness. “He’s usually not out this long,” mused Izzy.

“Dude, I’m a little scared,” Slash said, peering down at Axl. “What if he died?”

“He’s fiiiiine,” Izzy said.

 “Try smacking him,” Sam suggested. Slash pulled Axl’s torso up from against the table and Steven reached over and gave him a good hard slap across the face. Axl blinked his eyes open. “What just happened?” he asked. “Let’s not remind him,” Duff mumbled

“You just passed out” Slash creased his forehead “Are you okay?”.

 Axl held his head and swatted Slash’s hands off his ribs “I… think so” he mumbled.

“Just sit down, we don’t want you to die or anything” he helped Axl sit down in his chair again.

“Speak for yourself” Steven snickered, getting a high-five from Duff and a smirk from Izzy. Axl turned a slight pink color and started getting mad again “Listen here ASSHOLES” he began, standing up “YOU DO NOT SAY SHIT LIKE THAT TO A FRAIL LITTLE GUY LIKE ME WHAT IF I DID DIE WOULDNT YOU FEEL BAD?! I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH YOU ALL SUCK AND EVERY TIME I DO ANYTHING YOU HAVE SOMETHING BAD TO SAY AND I AM AN AMZING PERSON ITS ALL YOUR FAULT EGOCENTRIC YELLING BAD BANDMATES HATRED!!!” Slash facepalmed and everyone began to clear their stuff away from the table, hoping to escape Axl for a few moments.

“Someone’s on their manperiod,” sang Cat.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT,” Axl wailed at Cat. “IT’S YOUR FAULT THAT I HAVE TO GO TO THIS HELLHOLE.” Cat shrugged.

“It’s better than jail,” Sam offered. “Everything’s better than jail,” Slash said.

“You can’t just leave me here,” Axl’s voice was now at a whine. “It’s not my fault I’m in a bad mood.”

“Yeah, it kinda is,” Izzy mumbled. Axl was making puppy dog eyes at everyone, but they turned to go outside and left him in the cafeteria. “You all SUCK,” he yelled, kicking a chair. The group placed their stuff on a table underneath a tree, and everyone sat down with a sigh. “I think school is making Axl’s constant bitchy-ness even worse.”

“Of course,” Duff said matter of factly. “He acts like a bitch whenever he has to do something he doesn’t want to. That’s pretty much rule one of Axl’s personality.”

“Well… Slash could calm him down how ever he did that one time. It had him chill for like two weeks” Steven suggested, being the only one with no first-hand knowledge on the subject. Everyone froze.

“Steven… do you know what you’re saying?” Izzy had turned pale, the memory of his suspicions coming back to him.

“Poor Izzy was so freaked out” Cat cooed.

Steven looked confused “I don’t remember any of this…” he said.

“GEE I WONDER WHY” Duff rolled his eyes.

“Actually he really would be more fun to hang around calmed down” Slash looked thoughtful.

“I still wonder what they did” Cat sighed. “We agreed never to talk about it again” Izzy ground his teeth.

“Sorry” the table was silent.

“Maybe….” Steven said slowly “Maybe Slash could just go and calmly talk to him.

 “Talking it out usually works.” Slash stood up. “I think I’ll go do that. I’ll pull my hair out if Axl keeps acting like a raging PMS monster.” He stalked back to the cafeteria.

“You really think they… um…” Sam whispered. “I don’t know. I have my suspicions though,” Cat said.

“Let’s just never talk about it again after right now,” Izzy said, pinching his brow. A few minutes later, Slash came back with a grumpy looking Axl. “He’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but he’s better.” Axl was scowling deeper than Cat or Sam had ever seen. He refused to sit, and stood by the side of the table with his arms crossed.

“The day’s almost over Axl!” Steve piped happily. “And it’ll be the weekend in two more days!”

“I DONT CARE ABOUT THE MOTHERFU-” Slash was standing in a flash with a hand over Axl’s mouth “Hush” he demanded “Steven, just don’t talk to him. He’s on the verge of homicidal.

“VERGE, MY ASS” Axl yelled quickly. Slash sighed. The rest of the day went by much the same. Axl was pissed at every tiny thing, Kurt was still in detention for ‘hitting a defenseless girl’, and Slash was on constant Axl-Watch. When the final bell rang, Slash looked like he would cry with joy. “Come on everyone; get in the van so we can get home!” Cat said cheerily. Slash and Axl stayed on the ground. “We’re actually gonna go someplace” Slash cast a sheepish look from under his hair. Axl looked pissed, but didn’t seem to want to argue.

“Uhhh… okay” Cat blinked and closed the door.

“Bam chicka wow wooooaw,” Steven whooped as the door to the car closed. Everyone sent a glare his way. “We don’t know that for sure,” Izzy grumbled. “Sorrrrry,” Steve said sheepishly. Sam pressed the pedal to the metal and they sped home.

“Everyone, distract yourselves with homework so you don’t think of what Axl and Slash may or may not be doing!” Cat said, clapping her hands. Everyone, surprisingly, complied. Sam started on homework and Cat played the role of tutor for the evening. About an hour and a half later, Slash and Axl walked in the door. Axl was in a decent mood, and he said, “Hi,” to everyone with a wave before tromping off to his room.

“What’s up, bro?” Duff asked Slash. Slash shrugged. “Nothing really.” He flopped down on the couch and started drinking a bottle of Jack.

“Let the speculation begin,” sang Sam under her breath.

“Slash?” Axl called from their room. “WHAT, AXL?” Slash called back. “WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY OTHER PANTS?”

“OH, THEY’RE ON MY BED” he took a long drink of jack and flipped on the TV.

“They were gone for a long time” Steven raised his eyebrows. Izzy hit him.

“Just shut up, guys!” he hissed. Axl came out of his room wearing a different pair of jeans than he had been and flopped down on the couch next to Slash, who offered him a drink. “It’s too normal” Cat narrowed her eyes “Something’s up”. Steven went “Bam chicka wah wah” under his breath again.

“SHUT UP STEVEN” Izzy yelled. Axl and Slash both wheeled around in shock.

“Izzy man, you gotta chill” Axl said before turning back to the TV.

Izzy stuttered “Did he just- did AXL just tell- tell ME to CHILL?” Izzy’s voice raised in pitch “I’m like a fucking ice cube compared to him, I’m so chill!” Izzy exclaimed.

“Caaaaaalm down Izzy,” Axl held up his hands in defense. “So don’t chill if you don’t want to.” Izzy groaned and went back to his English homework.

“Don’t you have any homework?” asked Mommy Cat, who was trying to help Duff and Steven with geometry. “We finished it all,” Axl said. “Piece of cake,” replied Slash.

“This is too weird,” lamented Sam. “Tell me about it,” Izzy groaned. Dinner was ready soon enough, and after the plates were cleared, Steven cleared his throat. “It’s Wednesday night, do you know what that means?” he asked the table. “Party night!” replied Duff excitedly. “Rainbow and Roxy, here we come!”

“But you have school tomorrow,” Sam said, all srs bzns.

“Buuuuut,” moaned Steven. “Wednesday night is always party night! I think you girls should go too. Lighten up a little, it’s only school.” He pffted.

“I’m good here” Axl yawned, leaning his head on Slash’s shoulder. Slash leaned his head on Axl’s. Everyone froze, including Sam and Cat.

“WHAT?!” Duff squealed. Axl turned his head so he was looking through Slash’s hair at Duff “I said I’m good. I don’t feel like going out tonight, but you guys should. In fact, you should take Cat and Sam with you. We’re cool by ourselves” he turned back to the TV and Slash said something to him too quiet for the others to hear.

“A drink sounds pretty good right now” Sam coughed awkwardly “Well… let’s go guys” everyone shuffled off to the car. As soon as the door shut they heard Axl giggling uncontrollably.

“They’re hot for each other’s balls,” Steven said as soon as they got in the car.

“We’re not talking about this!” Izzy snapped, clenching the armrests.

“It’s hilarious,” Steven snorted.

“Shut up, I’m trying to drive and this bromance talk is distracting me,” Cat said. She cruised down the sunset strip and parked across from the Rainbow. The bouncer, a giant black man named Joe (not Axl’s dealer, Joe, another Joe), let them all in, including the girls, without IDs.

“This is magical,” Cat said, all starry-eyed, upon walking in. “Free shots for everyone with Guns N’ Roses!” yelled the bartender upon seeing them. The six cozied up to the bar and shots of tequila were placed in front of them. “Hey,” the bartender addressed them, “where are Axl and Slash?”

“Uhhhhhm,” Duff said. Izzy gave Steve a preemptive elbow to keep him quiet. “They didn’t feel like coming,” Duff finally said. “We sort of have to go to school after getting in trouble with the law.” The bartender nodded understandingly.

“That sure sucks, bro. Now drink up!” Everyone downed their shots. Izzy asked for three more, while Sam and Cat sat sputtering.

“We can’t go home for at least three hours” Steven said.

“DONT BRING THIS UP” Izzy barked, downing the two new shots.

“Sorry, bro. It’s not my fault they’re all over each other. I mean, Axl does look like a girl sometimes. And who knows, maybe Slash has some sort of fetish. I don’t really care, but if I walk in on them when Slash is-“

“Shut uppp, Steve” Izzy warned.

” –ing Axl’s-“

“SHUT UP Steven”

“And they’re all over the floor…”

“STEVEN FOR CHRIST SAKE” Izzy hollered, dumping a bowl of cashews over his head. Steven cackled.

“You little asshole,” Izzy growled. Steven shook his head, sending cashews flying everywhere.

“You’re the one who’s getting all upset. It’s not MY fault your reaction is so hilarious.” Izzy ordered another round of shots for himself and sat slamming them.

“Well, this is gonna be a weird night, I can already tell,” Cat said, shaking her head sadly. “Weird indeed. At least it’s almost the weekend,” Sam said hopefully. Cat cheered up.

“I get to see little Tokis! And Skwisgaar!”

“And Nathan and Pickles and Charles!” added Sam.

“No love for Murderface,” Cat giggled.

“He’s a misogynist dick, I can’t help not liking him,” Sam said.

“Don’t drink too many of those, Izzy,” Duff said.

“Drowning my annoyance,” Izzy said, “can’t talk.”

“We don’t want you to choke on your own vomit,” Duff returned.

“I’m fiiiiiine,” Izzy assured, sounding slightly slurry.

“Don’t die, Izzy” Cat said “I’d miss you”.

“That may be” Izzy downed another shot and grabbed Duff’s “But I will not miss my misery”.

“That’s really fucking sad” Sam sighed.

“Omh Geez” Izzy looked like he was squinting at something in the distance “Im gonna go and dothisdfhtring…” he face planted into the counter.

“That was a lot faster than usual” Steven snickered, poking Izzy in the head. Cat shoed him away “Go play with the sluts in the corner Stevie” she waved her hands in that direction.

“Psh, yes Ma’am!” he grinned and went to do just that.

“OH FFF NOT LIKE- whatever” Cat shook her head and checked Izzy over. “He’s okay” she said, laying his head down gently.

“Soooo what do we do now?” Duff asked “I’m bored”

“Let’s just sit and talk for three hours until it’s time to go home,” Sam suggested. “Okay.” Duff nodded. “Sooo… what’s up?” Sam asked.

“This isn’t working,” Duff sighed. “I KNOW,” Sam moaned. “We could go watch the band,” Cat pointed in the direction of the stage, where several people where already gathering.

“Sounds good,” Duff agreed. He took the girls and went over in the direction of the stage. The band was doing a sound check behind the curtain, and someone was grumbling about something loudly. “Stupid fucking robot, making us plays at this pansy glam club,” growled a low voice. Cat raised her eyebrow. “Is that who I think it is?”

“IT’S DETHKLOK” Sam shrieked and grabbed Cat before running backstage and glomping Pickles and Nathan in one fell swoop. Pickles went down with her, but the huge Nathan stayed upright. Cat was busy squeezing the life out of Toki.

“GOILS!” Skwisgaar exclaimed, feeling left out. Both of them rushed at him. “Daddies Skwisgaar misseds youuuuu” he said. “What brings you gaiz here?” Pickles asked, sitting up slowly. Duff was suddenly there with them.

“Slash and Axl are busy most-likely fucking each other’s brains out right now, so we had to get out of the house” he explained. Toki and Skwisgaar shared a look before giggling.

“Not you, too!” Sam cried, jaw dropping. Skwisgaar chuckled.

“No, no. It ams funnys because the red heads ams de… de…”

“Homsophobics?” Toki offered.

“Ja, and he goes and puts it ins de guitarist.”

 “Ooooh,” Sam nodded.

“Why are you playing here?” Duff asked. “Aren’t you, like, totally against everything the Rainbow stands for?”

“Yeah,” Nathan said, “but Offdensen was like ‘play a gig, it’s good for you. Work on the record, it’s good for you. And then Pickles goes, ‘Make it a live album! By doing that we can kill two birds with one stone!’ So here we are.” Nathan did not look happy about being at a club called the Rainbow.

“Smart move, dude,” Duff said to Pickles.

“Thanks. It’s a trick I learned back in the Snakes N’ Barrels days.”

“I actuallys don’t thinks Axl woulds puts into Slash” Toki told Skwisgaar. “De ladies lookink ones am de ladies, ja?”.

“Ja, ja. Whatsever why does I cares” Skwisgaar rolled his eyes.

Cat and Sam shared a look “Uh…. can we stop talking about this please?” Cat asked. “Yeah it’s making me a little uncomfortable…” Sam agreed.

The scandies shrugged. “Ja, okies”. So the girls sat backstage while Dethklok went on. Soon enough, it had been two hours and they only had a little time left before they could go back home.

“Don’ts leaves ussss” Toki sobbed, clinging to Cat and Sam’s shirts. They both sighed “Toki we have to go” Cat patted his head “We have school tomorrow”.

“Schools ams dildos!” Skiwsgaar ‘pfft’d from the back.

“Yeeeeah I never graduated from school, and look how good I turned out” Pickles hiccupped and spit up a little down his shirt. Cat and Sam winced.

“Yeahhhh they better get home soon” Duff grabbed their hands like a daddy walking his three-year-olds around “Come on guys” and took them back to Izzy, who was nursing his head with a cold glass of water.

They dragged Stevie out of a booth in the back that he was sharing with about ten girls. “See ya later, ladies!” he called with a grin and wave. The girls all giggled and waved in return.

 “You weren’t planning on sleeping with all of them, were you?” Duff asked, in daddy mode. “Maaaybeeee,” Steven said slowly. “Just get in the car, everyone,” Duff said, shuffling everyone into the van. He decided to drive home. When they walked in, they saw Slash and Axl innocently asleep on the couch. No clothes looked to be messed up, and their hair wasn’t a mess.

“Phew,” sighed Izzy. “This is… this is… yay.” He collapsed on the floor and started snoring. “We’re gonna be wrecks tomorrow,” Cat groaned, pulling her hair into a ponytail. “Nothing exciting ever happens on Thursday, though,” Sam assured.

“I’m getting sick of school already,” Cat sighed.

“We all are,” Duff told her. “I want everyone in bed soon!” he continued with Daddy mode. “Lights out at 1:00”

“That’s so early!” Steven groaned. Duff grabbed his shoulder. “I know, Steve. We’ll have to be strong, though. We can make it through this.”

Axl slowly cracked open his eyes and peeled himself off of Slash’s torso. “Hey guys” he stretched “How was the Rainbow?” he sat up all the way.

“From the looks of Izzy I’d say we had at least some fun” Duff bent over and picked Izzy all the way up “I’ll put him in bed” and walked off.

“How was your night at home?” Steven asked, trying to be suggestive enough to please himself and not get caught.

Axl smiled loftily “Fantastic”.

“Cool, what’d ya do?” Steven asked.

“Just stuff” Axl equivocated.

“What kind of stuff?” Steven tried not to giggle.

“Just stuff, Jeez Steven” Axl yawned.

“But what KIIIIIIIIND of stuff?” Steven’s grin was getting bigger and bigger.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STEVEN” Axl yelled. Slash groaned and rolled over. He grabbed Axl around the waist and pulled him back down where he had been sleeping “Chill, Axl” he muttered sleepily. Axl huffed and glared at Steve who was cackling hard enough that he fell over.

“YOU ARE SOOO HOT FOR EACH OTHER’S BALLLLLS” he had a tear in his eye. Sam came back from her room in her PJs and stuck her hands on her hips.

She saw that Slash was awake, Axl was already pissed, and Steven was laughing. “Steven Adler! Stop that this instant!” she smacked him on the arm. He stifled his giggles after a few minutes.

“But they’re soo” he snickered “Okay, okay I’m done, I’m done”.

“Good. Now go to bed and leave Slash and Axl alone”

“That’s what they want anyway” Steven smirked and went off. “Sorry he woke you up, Slash” Sam sighed, walking over to pat his head “good night” she gave Axl a quick pat, fearing he was still angry, and went to bed.

“We should go too” Axl sat halfway up, shifting so he wasn’t lying on Slash anymore. “Wanna sleep in my room” Slash asked, still half asleep.

“Sure”.

All five of the boys had it together, and Steve and Duff were confused by the absence of Izzy.

“Where’s Izzy, dude?” asked Duff.

“He fell asleep on the track after puking his guts out cus he was high,” snickered Axl.

“Doesn’t sound fun,” replied Steve. “It was gross,” Slash said. Right then, Axl’s newest worst enemy walked through the door. “YOU!” Axl hissed, pointing a finger at Kurt, who shrugged and sat next to Duff.

“This is him?” asked Slash. Axl nodded angrily.

“He doesn’t look that bad.” He felt someone tap his shoulder. It was Kurt. “Is that your singer?” Slash nodded. “He’s a whiny baby,” Kurt said.

“Tell me about it,” replied Slash, grinning. He turned to Axl, who was sputtering wordlessly. “You don’t like him because he tells it like it is and he’s not in your band.”

“EXACTLY!” yelled Axl.

“Axl, dude” Slash sighed “You need to hear shit like this sometimes” he put a hand on Axl’s shoulder. Kurt leaned back and stuck his feet in the basket under Slash’s chair.

“You should come be my guitarist, I don’t have one yet. You any good?”.

Slash grinned “I’m fucking amazing”.  “Slaaaaaaaash” Axl whined “You’re MY guitarist” he shot a meaningful glare at Slash. Slash furrowed his eyebrows “Okay yeah. I actually am his guitarist. We could hang out some time though” Slash turned back around in his seat and the teacher walked in.

He was an old Mexican dude who looked a lot like a turtle and a mariachi band had a kid. “Hola classe, Como están?” he addressed them.

“Buenos dias, Señor Paco” Kurt sang out rhythmically with the class. Gun shared looks of nervousness. “What did he say?” Duff asked.

“I think he asked us to take out pencils” Steven replied.

“He said Good morning class, how are you all” Kurt translated.

“Hola” the teacher addressed guns alone. “New students, sí?” he asked. They all nodded.

“Ah! You must speak Spanish” the teacher told Slash. Slash shot him a quizzical look. “You’re Mexican” the man continued.

Slash fumed “No I am NOT. I’m half black half white. I’m a mulatto,” he said, over-enunciating.

“Oh, sí!” replied Senior Paco. “Por favor, saque sus libros,” he went on, holding up the book that was going to be used for the class, title “Bienividos!” Steven raised his hand. “Sí, Señor Adler?” the teacher addressed him.

“Uhhhh, we didn’t get any books.”

“Están en la estantería,” replied Senior Paco, pointing at the bookshelf.

“Ooooh,” Stevie said, nodding. He stalked over to the bookcase and took out four books.

“Now, turn to page uno, por favor,” the teacher said. He put on his reading glasses and began reading the book word for word.

“This is gonna be a long forty-five minutes,” Duff sighed, cupping his face with his hand. Finally, the bell signaling the end of third period rang.

Axl was off to biology, Steven and Duff to geometry, and Slash to English.

Duff and Steven had the right geometry class number printed on their schedules, and they took their seats in the back. When the bell rang, the teacher, a super-young looking lady, cleared her voice and tried to get the class to shut up but to no avail. “Class!” she said loudly. “Class!” After about five minutes of incessant talking, she managed to calm them down. “First off, I’m Miss Roth. Welcome to geometry.” She smiled warmly.

“Also, I’m wondering if anyone knows where Mr. William Bailey and Mr. Kurt Cobain are. They were supposed to be in my first period but didn’t show up.” She gave a sad sorta frowny face. “If you see them, please tell them that we’re now in room 345, thank you!” She began drawing shapes on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” she asked, pointing at a square. Everyone was silent. “Oh, I’m sure one of you knows!”

“I know what THOSE are” Duff whispered, pointing to her chest. “This entire day has been about boobs” Duff said. Steven grinned “So?”

As Slash entered the English room, the Sergeant was sleeping on his desk. He looked around for any people he may know and instead saw Izzy approaching outside the window, still in his gym clothes. Izzy stumbled in the door, shooting the angriest glare he could muster at Slash.

“You left me out there all by myself” he growled.

“You were passed out cold” Slash shrugged and slid into a desk.

“I’m so sunburned” Izzy whined, pulling at the neck of his shirt to expose his normal skin color. His face was bright red and he had little flakes all over his arms.

“Aw, Izzy, I’m sorry” Slash frowned sympathetically.

“What class is this?” Izzy asked looking around.

“English. It’s fourth period”.

“I’m supposed to be in lunch” Izzy grinned “Thank God, I am so hungry”.

“Seriously?” Slash looked over his schedule “Oh… I forgot about lunch. That must be why the teacher is sleeping”.

MEANWHILE….

Duff and Steven were watching the young teacher walk in front of the board, lulling themselves to sleep. The entire class was filled with freshmen and sophomores besides them.

“I’m hungry” Duff complained to Steven.

“Me too…” Steven whispered back. Suddenly, the fire alarm went off, showering everyone with water. “AHHHCK” everyone ran outside, wondering why it had gone off. Axl was standing under a tree, so everyone converged there.

“What’s going on?” Slash asked Axl, leaning next to him. Axl simply shrugged, a shit-eating smile on his face.

“I feel sick again” Izzy muttered, leaning his head on Axl’s shoulder. Axl nudged him off, being the douche that he was “it’s your own fault”. Cat and Sam came scurrying up to the boys. “Hey guys” Cat waved “What’s wrong, Izzy?”

Izzy had tried again to lean on Axl and succeeded. “He got really really high first period and then spent all of gym puking. Then he started eating chips like five minutes ago and now he feels sick again”

“uhhg” Izzy rolled his head away from the sun and into Axl’s hair. Axl grimaced “I’m so happy we’re all out of class now” his voice had a suspicious tone to it.

“We know you pulled the alarm Axl” Sam said “We saw you”. Axl grunted and crossed his arms. “I needed to get out of bio, man; I think the teacher thought I was a girl.”

Cat grimaced. “The bio teacher is such a perv.”

“Pfft, tell me about it!” Axl exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air. “He asked me if I was working at Hooters during the summer!”

“I’ll tell you who should be working at Hooters,” said Steven. “The geometry teacher. She is FINE. And she said you need to come to class tomorrow, Axl.”

“If she’s hot, then maybe I’ll think about it.”

“I wanna go home,” Izzy moaned, sounding near the point of tears. “This has been the worst day ever.”

“Let’s go to Albertsons and get you some aloe for your sunburn,” suggested Cat. Izzy stuck out his bottom lip sullenly.

“That’s what you get for getting high as a kite, Iz,” Sam scolded. “You can’t blame me! Everyone was doing it!” he cried.

“Baaaw Izzy,” said Cat. “The day’s half over, I’m sure it can’t get much worse from here.”

“If you say so,” he whined.

“You need to get back to normal, Izzy, you’re starting to sound like Axl,” Duff said.

“Like sounding like me’s a bad thing?” Axl said, raising his eyebrows.

Slash coughed “When you’re being a whiny bitch, it is.”

“Well we all know what happens when I’m a whiny bitch” Axl smirked. “What?” Slash asked stupidly. Axl grinned “Oh nothing”.

Everyone was called into the building, and it was lunch time. “I can’t eat” Izzy grumbled, now leaning down about six or seven inches to put his head on Cat’s shoulder as they marched through the lunch line.

“Just drink some water” Cat bought him a bottle. They all met at a table near the edge of the cafeteria, staying as far away from the football team as possible. The lunch for the day was spaghetti and chicken.

“Hey Izzy” Slash nudged him. Izzy looked up. “We should just stop going to gym, you know. It’d be so much easier than not getting high”.

“That logic is shit” Axl was stabbing his styrofoam tray with his fork.

“Shut up, Axl” Slash snapped.

“Don’t snap at me!” Axl threw his saucy fork at Slash. Slash in turn threw Izzy’s entire tray of food. Axl was now covered in spaghetti sauce. “I’M GOING TO GO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC” Axl yelled, drawing a lot of unwanted attention.

Slash groaned “Don’t let this turn into Paris, Axl. I’m sorry I threw food at you”. Axl sprinted off regardless.

“Shit” Duff sighed “Guess we’ll have to do something.

Izzy groaned loudly. “I’ll stay here with you, Iz,” Cat said, patting his head.

“I’m not chasing after him either,” Sam replied, crossing her arms over her chest. So off went Steve, Slash, and Duff.

“Here’s hoping that we don’t get ourselves lost!” Steve said as they stepped outside of the cafeteria.

“I would drink to that if I had a bottle of Jack,” Slash said.

“Would it be better to stay together or split up?” asked Duff.

“Definitely stay together,” Slash said. “It’s better to be lost and together than lost and alone.”

“Good plan,” Steve said with a nod. They began wandering the hallways, looking for Axl.

“We just need to look for a trail of spaghetti sauce,” Duff said.

“Duh!” Slash said, facepalming. They wandered around for a little while longer and they found themselves following a trail of spaghetti sauce leading to the front of the school. When the opened the school’s doors, they found a giant crowd, but no Axl in sight.

Duff stood on his tiptoes, sighed, then dropped down to his normal height. “He’s in a fight,” he announced.

“What else is new?” asked Slash. “Who with?” asked Steve.

Duff went up on tiptoes again then sighed. “Kurt. Figures as much.” The group pushed their way to the front of the crowd, where Axl and Kurt were arguing about something.

“FUCK YOU” was mostly what was said, and no one really knew what the fight was about.

“HEY!” Slash shouted, shoving through the crowd. “Excuse me” Duff followed after him. “Moooove” Steven whined, trying to stay close. Soon enough the three emerged at the center of the circle. “AXL” Slash shouted.

Axl wheeled around. “WHAT?!” he barked. “Don’t fight, please” Slash pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You aint the bossa me!” Axl hurled himself at Kurt just because Slash said not to. Kurt easily dodged and slammed his fist into Axl’s jaw. Axl yelped and twirled into the crowd, who pushed him back up.

“Axl” Slash cursed under his breath and moved in. He grabbed Axl around the waist and pulled him back, being sure to keep his balance as he pulled. Axl struggled to go at Kurt again, but Slash held tight. Duff was hurriedly apologizing to Kurt. Slash glared down at the spaghetti covered, bloody Axl.

“Slash my jaw hurts, fix it” Axl pouted and crossed his arms. Slash took this as a very indirect apology and nodded, touching Axl’s jaw lightly.

Axl yelled and smacked him “FUCKER THAT HURTS”. Slash grimaced.

“You told me to fix it!” argued Slash. “I was only trying to help! C’mon, let’s just calm down and get some spaghetti.”

“NO,” yelled Axl. “I FUCKING HATE SPAGHETTI AND I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU FUCKERS! FUCKFUCKFUCK.”

Duff cleared his throat. “I think you two should stay away from each other.” He was looking down angrily at Axl and Kurt.

“Me? I did nothing!” Kurt said. “He came up to me and started acting like an asshole!”

“Axl you motherfucker, you did it again,” Steven said, facepalming. “Now let’s get out of here, before the principals or cops come or something.”

Guns left, Kurt went his own way, and the crowd dissipated. They reentered the cafeteria to find Izzy snoring on the table and Cat and Sam idly playing with their spaghetti.

“Motherfucker got in another fight,” Slash announced, sitting Axl down next to Sam.

“I am honestly not surprised,” Sam deadpanned.

“It wasn’t my fault” Axl pouted, genuinely sad about something. Slash rolled his eyes.

“Axl you need to stop getting in fights” Sam reprimanded.

“You could hurt someone” Cat added.

“That’s the point” Axl whined “Slash fix my injury” he turned his head so Slash could see his already bright purple jaw.

“Holy shit” Slash winced.

“What?” Axl reached up to touch his jaw and Slash stopped him “I’ll get you some ice”. Soon lunch was over and Axl had a huge pack of ice and had taken something for pain- probably not over the counter- and was almost as asleep as Izzy on Slash’s shoulder.

“Well the day is almost over” Duff sighed happily “We only have two classes left”.

“I have pottery with… all of you” Slash looked down his list.

“Awesomesauce” Duff skipped off to class merrily. Soon they were in the pottery classroom, one of the only rooms with windows.

“Looks nice enough” Slash drug Axl inside and put him in a chair next to Izzy so they could sleep.

But Slash was wrong. Pottery was being taught by an old grumpy man who was super srs bzns about art. The first thing he told the class was “ART HAS RULES.” Then he looked at Axl and Izzy and brought out, funnily enough, an air horn. The other Gunners and girls looked scared for Izzy and Axl. The teacher got about three feet away from the sleeping boys and pressed down the airhorn button as hard as it would go. Izzy and Axl were jolted awake.

“Holy fucking shit,” Axl gasped. “I think I just had a heart attack.” Izzy was glaring daggers at the old man.

“Now that everyone’s attentive… art has rules. You have to follow these rules, or else you will be a failure as an artist and a student.”

“Oh, bullshit,” muttered Cat, rolling her eyes. “Excuse me, young lady?” he said, glaring at her. “Nothing, sir,” she muttered, staring down at the desk.

“Good, good,” he said. He passed out huge heavy textbooks to everyone in the class and said, “Read these, and you’ll succeed. Another key to success in my class- don’t fall asleep, you druggies,” he growled, directing this at Izzy and Axl. Neither looked like they particularly cared.

“I am NOT a druggie” Axl protested, gesturing to himself. “The ten pain pills you just took say otherwise” Izzy retorted, holding his head. “Shut up Jeffery” Axl scowled. “Whatever, William” Izzy replied loftily, leaning on his hand.

“Also! My class is the most important one you’ll take…” the teacher rambled on.

“I hate art already” Steven was covered in clay somehow.

“It’ll be more fun than English” Duff shrugged.

“Someone should draw eyes on my eyelids so I can sleep” Izzy muttered.

Cat snickered “We’ll be out of here soon”.

An hour of reading about the history of clay went by slowly, but eventually they made it out and into homeroom to work on homework and…. whatever else.

The teacher was asleep with his feet on the desk, so the classroom was pretty chaotic. Steven was making out with some random girl in the back of the class, and Axl and Izzy was still trying to sleep off their drugs. Slash was carving his tattoo design into the desk with a pen, and Duff was learning how to make a bong out of a Gatorade bottle from that one kid. The girls were sitting and talking- more like yelling- over the noise.

“THIS HAS BEEN THE WEIRDEST FIRST DAY EVER,” Sam said.

“RIGHT?” Cat agreed. “IT’S TO BE EXPECTED THOUGH , SINCE WE’RE HANGING OUT WITH THOSE GUYS.” She jabbed a thumb at the debaucherous Gunners.

“I THINK STEVE JUST REACHED SECOND BASE WITH THAT SCARY GOTH GIRL.” Sam sighed, loudly.

“FIGURES. HE’S HAD TO CONTROL HIMSELF ALL DAY. IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER.”

“STEVEN PLEASE TAKE THAT INTO THE BATHROOM” Sam yelled over to him

“ESPECIALLY IF YOU GET ANY FUTHER” Cat added, shaking her head.

“I think that I should design tattoos for a living” Slash mumbled, running over the lines again and again, a small pile of sawdust starting to grow next to his pen. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. The bell rang loudly and the entire class was silent immediately, all jamming things into backpacks and grabbing papers strewn over the desk. The stampede just about killed short little Stevie, who Duff had to rescue.

“SCHOOOOOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER~” Axl sang loudly.

“You aren’t Alice Cooper and we have school again tomorrow” Cat grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him out of the back door to the outside.

“Oh thank God it’s over” Izzy grumbled, shielding his eyes from the sun.

“It’s only Monday” Sam sighed. “Noooo” Duff sniffled.

“That’s school for you” Cat smiled brightly. “You’re in there for a few days and you feel like it’s a year.” She sighed.

“Just like prison!” Axl said, smiling. Everyone looked at him. “Noooot that I would know or anything,” he said quietly. Slash rolled his eyes. Soon enough they were at the car, and Cat gave driving home privileges to Sam, who had the radio cranked up as high as it would go. Duff, Izzy, and Axl were not particularly happy.

“HEY SAM,” yelled Axl.

“WHAT?” she yelled back, pausing singing Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.

“TURN IT DOWN.”

“IF IT’S TOO LOUD, YOU’RE TOO OLD,” Sam replied. Axl groaned and closed his eyes. Soon enough they were back at the GNR apartment.

“Time for homework, boys!” Cat said, all motherly.

“No, it’s time for booze!” Slash replied, raiding the booze closet.

“We have school tomorrow,” Sam said coolly. “It won’t be fun if you’re hungover.”

“Trust me,” moaned Duff. “The hair of the dog that bit me didn’t even help me this time.”

“B-but” Slash whimpered as he stared form the large bottle of Jack in his hands to his very full backpack.

“I think you should just listen to her, Slash” Axl said reasonably, to everyone’s surprise. Slash narrowed his eyes “You want something, don’t you?”

“Yes” Axl replied with a nod “Help with biology”.

“Fine” Slash sighed, shoving the bottle back into the cabinet. “Lets go study” Axl grabbed him and drug him off. “Axl… where are we going?” Slash asked, looking over his shoulder quizzically as he was led.

“They forgot the book” Izzy stated, fiddling with the buttons on his shirt lazily.

“Dear FFFFFFFFF” Duff facepalmed. Completely oblivious to what may or may not be happening, Cat was already starting dinner.

“I’ll help you with homework while Cat cooks” Sam slid in in-between Izzy and Duff. Steven scooted in as close as possible. “What’s first?”

“Geometry,” Duff said. “Our teacher may be a babe, but she sucks as a teacher.”

“Yeah!” Steven added. “She spent the whole period going over what a square was, and then gives us this!” He pulled out some very complicated looking homework with lots of variables and equations.

Sam sighed. “I’ll do my best boys,” she said, looking over the homework. It was at least college level. After studying it for a few moments, she put it down. “Looks like you’re on your own with this one,” Sam said. “This is making my head hurt.” While Cat was trying to get water to boil for spaghetti, the phone rang. “I got it,” she yelled out toward the living room.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hello.” It was Charles. “Toki told me to call you and ask how school went.”

“I wants to talk to her!” Toki yelled in the background. Charles sighed and handed the phone to Toki.

“Caitslin!” he yelled.

“Toki!” she yelled back.

“How ams schools?” he asked. Cat sighed.

“Axl- the redhead- got in a fight and Izzy got really high in first period and spent the rest of the day sick as a dog. It was good for me I guess.” She shrugged and dumped a box of pasta in the pot of water, which had finally come to a boil.

“Dat ams good!” Toki could be heard smiling.

“Who’re you talking to Toki?” Pickles was heard in the background.

“NONES OF YOUR BEEZ WAX” Toki yelled back. Cat winced as her ears rang. “Ams you comink dis weekends?” Toki asked.

“Of course” Cat replied, stirring the sauce. She heard a crash in the direction Slash and Axl had gone and sent Sam to check on it.

“YAY! We’s have a sleepinks over! I makes popscorn and den I’s be readink you stories and watchinks movies!” he sounded so psyched Cat had to laugh. A bottle of booze was thrown across the room, directed at the fridge.

Cat sighed heavily and turned around “SHHH I’m on the phone, you guys” she hissed.

“It’s not MY fault Slash knows shit about biology!” Axl seethed, stomping into the living room. Stevie snickered, saying “That’s what she said,” under his breath.

“What did I do?” Slash asked, following Axl out of the room. Axl was sitting at the kitchen table, arms crossed, refusing to talk to anyone.

“Don’t bother with him, Slash,” Izzy said. “There’s no consoling him.”

“What’d you do?” Duff asked.

“I don’t know!” Slash exclaimed, throwing up his arms. “We were talking about the natural world and then he got all pissy and walked out like that.”

“Don’t worry Slash,” Izzy said consolingly. “He’ll be over it soon. YOU of all people should know this buy now.” Cat was silent as she watched the scene unfold.

“Caitslin?” Toki said finally. “Ams you beinks there?”

Cat snapped out of her little trance. “Oh, yeah. Sorry Toki, Mommy Axl and Daddy Slash are fighting, and I needed to be alert in case I needed to referee. Look, I’m a little busy, you wanna talk to Sam?”

“Sure things!” Toki said. Cat covered the receiver and yelled “SAAAAA-AAAAM” out in the direction of the living room.

“SORRY CAT I’M BUSY CLEANING UP AXL’S ROOM. AXL HIT SLASH WITH A FULL FISH TANK” she scurried into the room with a fish in a glass of water.

“I COULD learn more about biology if you’d let me” Slash huffed at Axl “You hogged all the notes”.

“At least you guys were actually studying. I thought biology was innuendo” Steven snorted.

Axl smacked him in the head with a text book. “EVEN IF IT WAS IT ISN’T ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS”. Cat rolled her eyes and handed the phone off to Sam, returning to her spaghetti.

“Hey little Tokis” Sam said brightly, snatching the book away from Axl violently.

“Hey Sam!” he chirped back.

“So what’s up, dude?” Sam asked, trying to stop Axl from beating Steven to death.

“Oh nots much. Justs seeink if you and Caitslins ams comink dis weekends!”

“Of course,” she said warmly. Steven just smacked Axl with something, and she cringed. “The Gunners are gonna make me lose my mind.”

“Dey ams such babies,” Toki scoffed.

Sam laughed. “Like you and Skwisgaar never argue like babies?” she returned.

Toki fell silent as he contemplated this. “That ams different,” he finally said.

“Not really, bro,” Sam said.

“I’s gots to go nows,” Toki said. “Ams times to eat.”

“Okay Tokis, see you on Saturday,” Sam said before hanging up.

When she hung up the phone, she saw Cat frantically trying to stop an impending fight between Stevie and Axl. They were on the floor, and Steven had a clump of Axl’s hair in his hand, threatening to pull. Axl was >thisclose< from kneeing Steven in the groin. “Why aren’t you helping?” she yelled at Slash. He held up his hands.

“I’m learned not to come between Axl and whoever he’s fighting with.”

“Same,” echoed Duff and Izzy.

“Help, Sam!” Cat called.

“AXL STOP! STEVEN STOP!” Sam shouted, grabbing a handful of Steven’s chest hair and the back hem of Axl’s pants. She yanked them both hard. Two yelps sounded through the room and both men were released.

“Slash she hurt me” Axl whined, walking over and leaning heavily on him.

Slash rolled his eyes “One day I’m going to shove you off and you’ll be sorry for being an ass” he shook his head.

“No you won’t. I’m Axl Rose you can’t” Axl muttered.

“Fuckin bitch” Steven scowled, still sitting angrily on the floor.

“S’what ya get, Stevie” Sam patted him on the head.

“Dinner is done” Cat called, holding out four plates. Everyone rushed for food, save for Izzy, who waited until the chaos was over to venture out of his chair at the table.

“God I’m starving” Axl muttered, shoveling spaghetti in his mouth.

“I love spaghetti” Slash sighed happily. Glad that the boys were finally calm, Sam and Cat took a chance to escape to do their homework.

“I think we’re more like their parents” Sam rolled her eyes, shutting the door to their room.

Cat nodded in agreement. “They’re like children, even though they’re like >insert age<”

“And we’re left babysitting them at school, having to make sure they don’t sneak into a chem classroom and burn the school down, or something,” Sam replied.

“It’s better than them being in jail,” Cat said with a shrug.

“That’s true,” Sam agreed, “plus it makes for good fanfiction lulz… even if we’ve had spaghetti for every meal and the same things happens about six times in a chapter sometimes”

“I’m with you there,” Cat said. The two high-fived, and then started getting ready to go to sleep

So they went to the GNR cave and slept until 6:00 that morning until Sam and Cat woke them up. Sam had already prepared breakfast and Cat was busy shoving things into everyone’s backpacks.

“So we know the first day of school isn’t the easiest” Sam began.

“But you guys will be fine” Cat finished.

“Oh dear God I am so hung over” Duff moaned, setting his head gently on the table.

“I need some Irish Coffee” Slash muttered “Skip the coffee”.

“AXL” Cat called “GET OUT OF BED NOW”.

“NOOOO” Axl shouted from his room.

“AXL I’M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE,” Cat warned.

“What do you want, a be able to count to three award?” he shot back.

“ONE,” Cat began.

“AND WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON’T COME OUT,” Axl replied.

“TWO…. THREE.” Cat ran into his room and yanked him out of bed by the arm, causing him to hit his head on the floor.

“Bitch!” he hissed, rubbing the back of his head.

“You are going to listen to me when I tell you to wake up,” she said sternly, looking down at him. She left his room and giggled. “I love feeling like a have authority.”

Every Gunner had his head resting on the table, and Sam was chiding them to eat their breakfast. “There is nothing nastier than cold scrambled egg,” she was telling them, but none of them seemed to be caring. Sam sighed and grabbed a random air horn off the counter. “Don’t make me use the air horn,” she threatened. No one responded. She pressed the button down, and the shriek caused all four boys to jolt up.

“Sweet Jesus!” Izzy yelled.

“OH DEAR GOD MY HEAD” Duff yelped “ITS GONNA EXPLODE” he clutched it tightly. Steven and Slash had actually fallen out of their chairs.

“I’m not hungry” Axl was struggling with Cat, who had him by the hair. “If Axl doesn’t come to the table, I’m using the horn again” Sam said calmly. Everyone shrieked “AXL HURRY UP”.

“Okay okay” he slid in to the chair between Slash and Izzy.

“Okay. So what’s for breakfast?” Steven asked, hoping to avoid further use of the air horn.

“Eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes, and orange juice” she set it all out on the table. It was stared at warily.

“I am sooo hungover” Duff leaned his head on his hands “I can’t eat or I’m going to puke”.

“We all know why I’m not hungry” Axl pushed his plate away. Steven, Izzy and Slash ate without incident, even going as far as to clear their own plates. “I fucking hate school,” Axl whined. “I hate it I hate it I hate it and I hate you-” he pointed at the girls “-for making me go.”

Sam shrugged. “It was either school or spending time in jail making sure not to drop the soap.”

“Now get dressed, everyone,” Cat said, clapping her hands, “and Axl, no thongs.”

“B-but!” Axl stuttered.

“You’ll get beat up,” she said.

“But I’m Axl motherfucking Rose!” Cat sighed.

“Whatever, wear what you want.”

The boys went to their rooms and came back dressed and ready. Axl was wearing that red thong over white tights.

Slash’s jaw dropped when he saw him. “I forgot how disgusting that makes you look,” he said.

“Shut up, Slash. I hate your hat,” Axl returned.

Slash shrugged this off, and started fooling around with his guitar.

“I like your hat, Slash. You’re also right, Axl looks like a tranny in his thong” Izzy shrugged.

“SHUT UP IZZY” Axl punched him half-heartedly.

“Here are your schedules, boys” Cat handed them out.

“And these are our schedules incase you need us” Sam gave them each two extras.

“Axl please change” Slash pleaded “I will not save you if some huge guy starts beating you up”.

“NO” Axl crossed his arms and looked away.

Slash sighed heavily and leaned to whisper something in Axl’s ear. Axl looked both ways and finally sighed and went back into his room. He came out with his pink leather pants on. Slash rolled his eyes “Better. I guess”. So eventually they were all in clothes and had everything they needed.

“Who’s driving?” Slash asked, slipping into the front passenger seat.

“MEEEE!” Cat and Sam both ran into each other racing for the driver’s spot. But, deciding Cat had more experience, Sam was forced to sit in the middle with Axl.

“You’ve been unusually quiet, Stevie,” Cat said from the driver’s seat. Steve shrugged. “I just hate school I guess,” he said. “Join the club,” came the voices of the four other Gunners. When they were halfway to the school, Axl gasped loudly. “OH SHIT,” he yelled.

“What?” Cat shrieked, looking over her shoulder as she slammed on the breaks.

“I FORGOT MY BACKPACK.” Cat groaned, did a u-turn, and drove back to the house.

“That’s unusual for you to care about something like that,” remarked Slash.

“I’m trying to make a good first impression,” he said, sounding sincere. Izzy laughed. “Good luck with that.” Cat tensed and grabbed the steering wheel tighter.

“THIS IS STRESSFUL ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU ARGUING IN THE CAR,” she yelled. “Do NOT make me go back there and slap a bitch.” everyone grew quiet. Cat reached the house with out incident

“Okay go get your bag” Sam shoved him out angrily.

He came back about two minutes later with the huge thing clutched in his arms “jeez what’s in here?” he grumbled.

“Folders, notebooks, pencils, pens, paper, a calculator and protractor, extra clothes for gym, a-“

“WHAT?” Axl snapped, slamming the car door shut.

“Gym clothes” Cat repeated.

“I am not taking gym” he said flatly.

“Oh yes you are” Sam shot him a dirty look.

“Hey, Axl, I have gym too” Slash said brightly holding out his schedule “Do we have it together?”.

“Yes!” Axl replied, his mood instantly lighter.

So finally they made it to the high school and guns piled out. Being stupid and modern, the kids had no idea who the new ‘seniors’ were.

“Okay. Slash you have biology first. It’s right over there” Cat pointed to a large greenhouse and Slash set of sadly, looking over his shoulder with a wave. “Axl you have Geometry” Cat pointed to an outside door marked “Room 445- Geometry” and it had colorful shapes all over it. Axl grimaced, but stomped off anyway. “Steven and Duff, you both have History” Cat scanned for the room number “Go down the hall through those doors and it’s the one next to the girls’ bathroom”. Their eyes lit up and the sprinted off happily. “Izzy… you have Musical studies with Mr. Sunbeam” Cat pointed to a portable.

Izzy shielded his eyes against the sunrise. The portable was fairly small, but there was something about it. He ventured up to it and as soon as he opened the bright yellow-painted door, the smell of strong pot and incense seared through his sinuses. He sneezed, scanning the room. There was a very skinny, hairy man sitting on the desk in a yoga position while the other students lounged on comfy looking stack of pillows all around the room. About half of them had a joint in their hand.

“Welcome to Musical Studies. I’m your teacher, Mr. Sunbeam” the teacher unfolded himself and stalked over to shake Izzy’s hand “Here we take it easy. It doesn’t matter what kind of music you like- we have it all”. Izzy knew he was telling the truth as another scan of the room revealed a group of punk kids, some hippies like Mr. Sunbeam, and a group of trashy looking kids Izzy assumed to belong to the ghetto.

“Cool” was all Izzy said “I’m Izzy Stradlin”.

“Please sit over there, Izzy,” Sunbeam said, gesturing to a pillow by a scary punk girl.

“Cool,” Izzy said, sitting down next to the punky chick.

“Now, we’re going to start off listening to some classical music,” Sunbeam explained. “And we’ll work our way up to modern music.”

“ASDFASDKJH BUT I WANNNNA LISTEN TO JUSTIN BEEEIIIBER,” garbled some random girl.

Sunbeam looked dead serious. “We don’t listen to that here,” he said, glaring at the girl. She nodded quickly, and was quiet for the rest of the class.

With Steven and Duff…

They walked into history late. Their teacher, an old old lady with scary hornrim glasses, was in the middle of explaining something, and stopped right in the middle of a word to glare at the two blondes. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING,” she shrieked.

Duff held his head. “Uhm, we’re new here and we’re late.”

She scowled deeper. “You’re going to be sitting right here, next to my desk, since I already know I can’t trust you.”

Duff sighed and slid into his desk, his head all swimmy as he tried to focus his eyes on the teacher. His head was killing him and he needed a drink now.

With Slash…

He walked into biology just as the bell rang.

“Well, well, well, lookie what we have here,” said the teacher, who was a short creepy Italian man. “Another wannabe rockstar, walking in late to class.”

“But I’m new,” protested Slash.

“Well guess what, curly? I don’t care. What’s your name?”

“Um… excuse me?”

“Ya heard me, what’s your name?”

“Saul Hudson,” Slash said, already feeling pissed off five seconds into first period.

“You sit right… here.” He pointed to a desk in the front row, and Slash noticed he was the only guy sitting among girls, all with huge boobs. He grinned widely as he slid into his desk.

And with Axl:

“Hello?” he asked, peeking into the class. Before entering he took one last look over his shoulder at Duff and Steven leaving. “Hello?” he asked again, louder. The entire geometry class was empty.

“What the hell” he shut the door and wandered around. “HELLO?” he shouted.

“Hello” a small voice said from underneath the teacher’s desk.

“Um…” Axl peered around the desk, only to see a blonde kid about his age crouching under it “Dude what the hell are you doing?” Axl asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Hiding” replied the blonde.

“Oh” Axl nodded “Why?”.

“Well the class was actually moved to a new room today and I’m hiding from the principal” he got up, dusted himself off and held out a hand “What’s your name?”.

Axl took it “Axl Rose”.

“Sweet, I’m Kurt Cobain”

“Cool, bro,” Axl said. “I don’t really wanna be here, so I think I’ll just hide out with you all period.”

“Cool,” replied Kurt. “Cigarette?” Axl took one and lit it with gusto.

“You in a band?” asked Kurt. “Only the biggest band ever,” replied Axl haughtily. Kurt laughed. “Some dinosaur rockband, I presume?” Axl furrowed his brow. “Noooo. We’re loud and dangerous and sleazy.”

“Sounds lame,” replied Kurt. “You’re lame!” yelled Axl.

Kurt shrugged. The two sat alone in the classroom the whole period, Axl angrily smoking and Kurt carving something into the teacher’s desk. The bell rang, and Axl ran out of the room.

“What’s next?” he asked himself, looking at his schedule. “Aw, fuck, it’s gym.” He weighed his two options, and decided that gym was better than sitting in a room with Kurt, who thoroughly pissed him off. At least he’d get to see Slash.

When he got to the gym, he saw a Slash with a shit-eating grin on his face, and Izzy sitting next to him, looking high off something.

“What’s with you?” he asked Izzy.

“Best. Class. Ever,” he replied. “We listened to Bach and smoked pot all period.”

“And you?” he asked Slash. “I’m sitting in the land of giant tits in biology. The teacher may be a pedophile but I’m not a girl, so I don’t care.”

“Well I didn’t go to geometry” Axl plopped down in between them on the bleachers.

“Oh duuuude” Izzy giggled “you- you know… you are in so much trouble if they… if the… if Sam and Cat find out” he trailed off.

Slash shot him an amused look “What did you do all period?”.

“Well I met this fucker named Kurt Cobain and smoked an entire pack of cigarettes”.

“Oh. Sounds fun” Slash shrugged. “I think we have to… get dressed now” Izzy pointed in the direction of the locker room.

“Oh yeah. We prolly should” Slash stood and helped Axl up.

“I hate gym” Axl grumbled “I feel like a male stripper in the locker room”.

“You actually did strip though” Slash pointed out “At that club. Like twice” he opened the door to find that they had gym with what must have been the entire football team. Each guy was about four inches taller than them and twice their weight.

“Oh Jesus” Axl clutched Slash’s arm in fear.

“OhmyGod” Izzy mumbled “they’re like really big, dude”.

“It doesn’t matter. They’re prolly just fine” Slash pulled Axl’s hands from around his arm. Axl latched on to Izzy instead, who immediately fell over from the impact. “Let’s just get dressed and then go hide behind the bleachers like we did when we were in school the first time” Slash pulled Izzy up and helped him over to the only unoccupied row of lockers.

“HEY, GAYBOY,” yelled a football player in the direction of Axl, Slash, and Izzy. No one responded. The football player growled. “I SAID, HEY, GAYBOY.” He marched over to Axl and turned him around. Axl was already sour from his encounter with Kurt earlier and was not to be messed with.

“WHAT,” yelled Axl back, growling up at the 6’5”, 300 pound football player.

“I think your pants make you look like a fag,” he chortled.

“Well, I think your face makes you look like a fag!” Axl replied, punching the guy in the stomach. Izzy and Slash were staring on silently. They knew this was not going to end well. The football coach came marching into the locker room. He was old and leathery.

“What the hell is going on here!” he yelled. The football player Axl had punched was sobbing. “He punched me!” he said, pointing at Axl.

“What boy, I don’t see any-” Axl raised his hand “-Oh sweet Jesus son those pants make you look like a lady.”

“They’re cool,” Axl protested, “and this assface started it! He called me a fag!”

The football coach looked unfazed. “Well son, those pants do make you look like a queer. Listen now boys, I don’t want any fighting. I’ll let you off with a warning, and you son,” he pointed at Axl, “you need to get some new pants.” Axl was scowling with his arms crossed. “NOW ALL YOU LADIES BETTER BE SUITED OUT AND ON THE FIELD IN FIVE, YOU HEAR ME?”

“YES SIR,” the football players replied.

“Duuuuude,” Izzy said, chuckled. “That was… that was… woah.”

“I hate school,” moaned Axl.

Duff and Steven were sitting in remedial English 4, which they were put in due to their prior dropping out. Steven was sitting behind some dude making a bong out of a Gatorade bottle, and the girl sitting next to Duff had her arms covered in prison tattoos.

“I’m loving this” Steven sighed, staring across Duff and down the girl’s shirt.

“At least it’s quiet” Duff muttered, his head in his arms and his eyes closed.

BANG.

Duff winced as the door was thrown open violently and an angry balding man with a red face stomped in. “I AM SARGENT ATWOOD” he shouted. Duff and the bong kid both whimpered pathetically “AND YOU BETTER BEHAVE IN HERE, GOT IT?” he shouted. No one answered. “GOT IT?!” he repeated again.

“Y…yes sir” Steven mumbled.

“Good” his voice was at a normal level now “Today we will be learning about the difference between nouns and pronouns and the difference between adjectives and adverbs…”.

MEANWHILE…

Izzy, Slash, and Axl were running around a track with the football players. Izzy kept tripping and falling on his face, and had gone to puke in the bushes about three times now. Axl was having issues controlling his anger at the FB team, and Slash was trying very hard to keep up with Axl’s fast pace.

“Axl, please slow down” Slash gasped for breath, on the verge of falling over. Axl, oblivious, kept right on running along. Izzy walked onto the track a little ways ahead of Slash, looking terrible. “I feel like shit” Izzy muttered.

“Then don’t get violently high before gym” Slash snapped, leaning his hands on his knees.

“YOU LADIES BETTER PICK UP THE PACE,” yelled the football coach.

“But I feel like I’m going to-” Izzy puked on the track. “Puke,” he finished, wiping his mouth.

“I don’t see how Axl does it,” moaned Slash, trying to push his hair out of his eyes and halfway run at the same time.

“He was a track star in Indiana,” replied Izzy, hiccupping slightly. “I think I need to… uh.. check my thing… with the classes,” Izzy moaned.

“Schedule?” Slash offered.

“Yeah, yeah, and make sure I didn’t get put in football by accident.” Slash nodded. “That’s a good plan, Iz.”

“You should try ta transfer into my Music Study class. We smoke pot all period.”

“With gym afterward? No thanks, bro,” Slash replied. “I don’t want to be sick as a dog, like you.” Izzy smiled wearily before puking again.

MEANWHILE…

“Does everyone understand?” Atwood yelled after he finished explaining about nouns, pronouns, adjectives, and adverbs. No one responded. “I NEED AN ANSWER,” he yelled again.

Duff’s head felt like it was going to explode. “Yes, sir,” he said with a tiny nod.

“THANK YOU MR. MCKAGAN. Now, I want you to all write a sentence using a noun, pronoun, adjective, and adverb.”

One of the gangster kids in the back raised his hand. “Yes, Mr. Gonzalez?”

“What’s a sentence?” he asked.

Steven and Duff moaned and let their heads hit their desks. “Steven, I want to die a quick death… painlessly” Duff said.

“GOOD JOB MCKAGAN” Atwood shouted “THAT SENTENCE USED ALL FOUR. You get an A” he smiled and stuck a star sticker on Duff’s forehead. Steven snickered.

MEANWHILE…

“I can’t go on” Izzy stopped running and sat down in the middle of the track. Slash slowed to a stop about twenty feet ahead “C’mon, Iz. You can do it” Slash encouraged. Izzy was now laying down, fast asleep. “Druggie” Axl chided in passing. Slash made sure to trip him before struggling to pick Izzy up and set him on the bleachers.

“Lucky fucker” Slash sighed.

“HIT THE SHOWERS LADIES” the coach yelled. Slash gratefully smiled as Axl approached him, not even panting that hard. “Wake him up Slash” Axl nudged Izzy’s dangling hand with his sneaker.

Slash wiped his forehead “Naw man, just leave him. He’ll wake up and figure stuff out”. So they did. In the locker room, Axl changed quickly into his pink leathers and Metallica shirt without showering. “You’re gonna stink, dude,” Slash replied.

“I don’t care,” Axl replied, putting his bandana back on and sliding his bangles up his arms. “I’m not showering with them,” his eyes moved in the direction of the showers, where the football players were washing off.

“Good point,” said Slash with a nod. They got all dressed and left the locker room and went to their next class, which was Spanish I.

“YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR BUYING COCAINE,” yelled the drug dealer.

“JOE, YOU’RE AN UNDERCOVER COP?!?!” Axl yelled looking up at him. “MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE.”

A few of the cops had made their way over to the car, and were patting everyone down looking for drug paraphernalia. Turns out, everyone except the girls had something on them.

“Great!” yelled Sam. “Our kinda-sorta-not really dads are fucking going to jail. What the fuck are we gonna do now?”

They were sitting in the head officer’s car while the Gunners were being escorted to the county courthouse. Of course, the officer was T-Pain, who had also arrested them for driving erratically with Ozzy Osbourne. “I’m glad those heathens haven’t started slipping cocaine into your cereal, girls,” he said as they drove down the highway. He tsk’d, and then said “That’s daaaaangerous shit and those failures deserve everything that’s coming to them.”

“Actually I accidentally spread coke on my toast instead of butter once” Cat said, shooting Steven an angry glare out the back window.

“Please let them goooo” Sam cried, hugging the front passenger seat from behind “I miss daddies Duff and Slash and mommy Axl!”.

“They screwed up” Cat said reasonably “But… if you could let Izzy and Stevie go…” she muttered.

“None of them are going anywhere. They’ll all be in separate cells with very large cellmates”.

“Can’t we make a deal or something?” Sam took a deep breath, not believing whose example she was about to follow “He’s motherfucking AXL ROSE! He can’t go to JAIL. And he needs his friends!”. She knew that if she could get AXL out, the others were easy picking.

T-Pain rolled his eyes “No, girls”. So they arrived at the station, took fingerprints, and their records were reviewed. Height, weight, eye/hair color, and school history (for the punishments received there) was read out loud.

“What’s this?” said officer Pain, looking over their school records after he had read all of them out loud. “None of you finished school? You’re even more pathetic than I thought you were to begin with.”

“But we’re still more talented than you,” muttered Izzy.

“I HEARD THAT ISBEL,” yelled Pain, pointing at Izzy, who shrugged nonchalantly.

A light bulb blinked over Sam’s head. “Officer Pain,” she said sweetly, making her eyes huge and sparkly, “since they never finished school, maybe they could just… come to school with us and finish their education.” She sniffled. “We’re only fifteen, Mr. Pain, and we would have such a hard time surviving on our own out there, in the jungle.” She pointed out the tiny window in the jail, where whatever kind of debauchery was taking place outside of.

“We’ll sign them up for health class so they learn that drugs are bad,” Cat added, sounding just as ASDFMARYSUREKAWAIIDESUUUU.

“Pleeeease?” they said in unison, looking up at him like they were going to start sobbing uncontrollably at any minute. All of the boys looked miserable at the thought of being sent back to school, since they thought they were done after dropping out in the first place.

“I’ll… I’ll consider it. They have to stay in jail for forty-eight hours and then you can post bail, but I’ll talk to the judge.” As the Gunners were led off into their cells, Officer Pain shook his head sadly. “Such nice girls,” he said.

“DOUCHEBAG” Axl yelled as he was drug off. Thankfully, as it would not have helped their case at all, he went unheard by Officer Pain.

“It’ll be SO much fun if daddies and mommy can go to school with us” Cat sued to Sam. Sam giggled and nodded.

“Well let’s go girls, you need to be kept safe for the next 48 hours. We’re taking you to a fancy hotel uptown.

Sam and Cat looked thrilled. “Wowee” Cat said to Sam, grinning.

“Yeah. I wonder why guns never took us to one. They’re pretty rich” Sam shrugged.

Cat tapped her chin “Maybe because they like living in their own bodily fluids and grime?” she suggested. Sam agreed that this was very likely. So they bunked up for two days in a hotel room on the 16th floor of a four star hotel, passing through the most peaceful 48 they had ever had.

Aaaand then they had to call Charles two mornings later, asking him to send them enough money for them to post bail. A klokateer came by the hotel some time later, and handed them a briefcase filled with bail money. So they jumped in the car they were given by DK, and illegally drove their drivers permit bearing selves to the county jail. All of the Gunners looked irritable, tired, and bloodshot. Officer Pain was manning the front desk.

“We’re here to post bail, Mr. Pain,” Cat said in her KAWAAAIIIIDESSSSUUUU voice.

“Their court date is in two weeks, so make sure that they attend,” he told her, and went around to all five cells and unlocked the door.

“I need to shave,” groaned Izzy, rubbing his stubbly cheek.

“I need to shower more than you need to shave,” Steven said.

“You smell like ass, dude,” Duff told him.

“Why else would I need to shower?” Steve returned.

Sooo they left the jail, drove to their apartment, and tried to keep their noses clean until their court date arrived. On the morning of the court date, Sam and Cat insisted that all five of them wear suits, since “You look better behaved when you wear a suit.”

They drove to the courthouse, sat through the hearing, and at the end, the judge said, “You will not be serving any jail time.” The Guns sighed. “Instead, you will be completing a semester of high school with your… uhm… daughters.” Steven big noooooo’d. “Court adjourned.” He slammed his gavel down, and Guns and the girls left the courtroom.

“What grade will we be doing?” Slash asked Officer Pain in the lobby.

“Whatever grade you dropped out of” he replied.

“Uhg” Slash groaned, facepalming.

“Too bad our year-long summer is over” Cat sighed “Skool is nawt kool”.

“But we get to go to tenth grade, Cat!” Sam said chipperly.

“I guess you’re right” Cat shrugged. “So school starts…” she checked her phone for the date “Tomorrow morning”.

“NOOOOO” Steven shouted again. But, the law is the law, and though the gunners didn’t follow it too closely, they were just going to have to go to school.

The line to get into Wally World was stretching around the corner. “Lets me handles this,” Toki said. He pushed his way to the front of the line with holding both of the girls’ hands and dragging them behind him. “I’s Toki Wartooth,” he told the ticket person. “I ams from Dethklok, and my band and Guns N’ Roses wants to gets into the park. Twelve tickets please,” he dropped the girls’ hands and held his hands out.

The teenager working the ticket booth did not look impressed. “You need to wait in line like everyone else, bro,” he said. “But I ams Toki Wartooth!” protested Toki.

“He’s starting to sound a little like Axl,” snickered Cat. “Don’ts makes me call my manager!” “Bro, you gotta wait in line like everyone else!” the ticket booth dude argued. Toki pulled out his phone and called Charles. “He’s not lettinks me into the park for free!” he yelled into the phone.

Charles sighed. “I’ll be right there. Let me see what I can do.”

Less than 3 minutes later Charles was beside them with an army of Klokateers. “I believe my guitarist-” he was cut off by a yell from the group standing ten feet away.

“RYTHM GUITARIST”

 “…wanted to get into your park. Is there a problem?” he pushed up his glasses and three klokateers cocked their guns. The scared, zitty boy opened the gates and let the twelve plus Charlie through the gates. “Thank you” Charles smiled placidly and followed his band in.

“Thanks you lawyers-man!” Toki flung himself into Charles in a violent hug.

“Yes, Toki. Please, ah, let go” he attempted to push Toki away but Nathan had already forced him off to push him towards the map.

“CHOOOOOOOSE” he pointed at the rides list.

“I want to go on…”Toki scanned the list “THAT ONE!”

“Looks brutal,” replied Nathan. “It’s the biggest, fastest roller coaster in the world with the most turns.”

“Let’s use our fame to get to the front of the line!” Steve yelled. “And make children cry?” Slash asked. “Yesssss,” hissed Axl.

“You’re a cruel man,” replied Slash, chuckling. They went to the front of the line, got on the ride, and were given pain waivers as soon as they got in the seats. “This is like a Dethklok concert, practically,” said Pickles, skimming the waiver.

“This clears you for suing for potential loss of intestines!” Nathan exclaimed. “This is really brutal. Just start the ride already!”

“ummmmm…” Sam and Cat shared a look before the Scream Queen rocketed off. Everyone, especially Toki, Sam, Cat, and Axl began screaming as soon as the cars broke 170 miles an hour. As the track of 90 degree drops, turns, and quadruple loops slowed to a halt, Axl was clinging to Slash like he was going to die, Toki was still yelling happily, and Skwisgaar was fussing over his hair, which was now sticking straight back.

“HOLY CRAP” Cat exclaimed. “AGAIN AGAIN” Sam demanded. “NO WAY” Axl shouted “You crazy fuckers!”

“I can see why someone would lose their intestines on that thing,” Pickles said, wobbling slightly as he stepped off the ride.

“That was both terrifying and awesome,” replied Slash. “It was just fucking terrifying!” Axl yelled. “Look! I’m shaking!” He held out his hands, which were indeed trembling.

“Let’s take the baby back to hotel!” yelled Duff.

“No! I’m not a baby!” protested Axl. “Let’s go on something else!” He scanned the park. “That!” it was one of those rides that took you straight up in the air then dropped you down superfast.

“Ja!” yelled Toki. “It looks real funs!”

“Ams you crazy, you dildo?” Skwisgaar replied. “No. I’s not going.” He was still trying to smooth down his hair.

“Hey, Rapunzel,” Izzy said, handing him a ponytail holder. “This’ll help.” Skwisgaar quietly tied his hair back, and off they were to the drop zone.

“NOOOO” Sam screamed as Toki, who was too excited to hear her, drug her off. “I’ve never been on one before! Release meeeeee”.

“YEAH! And I’ll stay down here with her… Skwisgaar nodded enthusiastically, running a hand through his tied back hair.

“Babies” Axl snickered. Sam cocked an eyebrow “I’d like to see you ride THAT again” She pointed to the Scream Queen. Axl gulped and hid behind Slash. “Never mind” he muttered. Slash pushed him off “Just get on Axl” he shoved him into a seat.

“Sam, you should gooo” Cat insisted.

“Nope. Nope nope nope” Sam sat firmly on a bench and waited for everyone. Skwisgaar was forced on by Toki, who threatened him with the “I’m better than you argument”

Everyone was buckled in, and then the ride shot about 200 feet up into the sky. Skwisgaar was sitting next to Toki, and was screaming and holding onto him for dear life. Toki was just smiling away. The ride stalled for a little once it reached the top, and then descended, going fast at first then slowing down once it got closer to the bottom.

“You’s baby Skwisgaar,” chortled Toki as they stepped off the ride.

“No I’s not!” argued Skwisgaar.

“You did act like a pansy on that ride, hugging Toki like that,” argued Axl.

“Like you was hugging Slash on the Scream Queen?” retorted Skwisgaar coolly.

“Guys,” said Cat, “we don’t need a repeat of the aquarium. Separate yourselves. Now.” They grudgingly walked away from each other, growling and crossing their arms.

“Where to next?” asked Steve.

“Well, if we can control Queen Axl and Queen Skwisgaar then we should go to the house of mirrors” Nathan replied, his finger following a path on his map “it’s only a little ways that way” he pointed off to the right.

“Sounds nice and relaxing” Izzy sounded relieved as he tromped after Nathan.

“Here it is” Nathan looked up. The House of Mirrors was a five story building. The outside was solid black with no windows, save for one at the top floor. The door was propped open with a halloween-esque gargoyle statue.

“It looks…. dangerous” Duff mumbled.

“Uhhh…” Axl nodded slowly. However, as Guns stood outside, Dethklok rushed in like madmen, taking the girls with them.

“Shit” Slash groaned, hesitantly stepping in. He was already lost one step in.

“This is noooot good” Steven said.

“They’re gonna fucking lose the girls,” Duff groaned.

“Guys?”

“I’m here!” said Axl.

“Where? I can’t see you?” Duff yelled back.

“Follow the sound of my sexy sexy voice!” replied Axl.

Duff facepalmed. “This isn’t phone sex, Axl. Ummm, do you have a lighter?”

“I think,” Axl said, digging through his pockets. “Here we go!” He flicked on the lighter and everyone saw that they were a couple of steps away from each other.

“Well… I feel lame,” Slash said finally.

“We need to find Sam and Cat before that hyperactive Norwegian drags them straight into a mirror and breaks their faces or something,” Izzy said.

“Well, I’m putting my lighter away,” Axl said. “It’s almost out of juice and I might need it later.”

“WAIT!” yelled Steve. “How are we gonna know where we are?”

“Uhhhmmmm… we can hold hands,” shrugged Duff.

Axl raised an eyebrow. “Are you serious? Holding hands is for girls and pansies. I’m not holding hands with anyone.”

Izzy grinned deviously. “You certainly had no qualms about holding Slash’s whole body on the Scream Queen,” he said.

“Shut up, Stradlin, okay? Will you guys stop mentioning that?”

“It’s just that you’re really hilarious when you get all pissy like this,” Steve said.

Axl stuck out his lip sullenly. “Fine.” He held out his hand. “I feel so gay saying this, but everyone grab hands before I put away the lighter.” They complied. “One…two… three.” Axl closed the lighter and it was dark again.

“Let’s try to work our way through this mess,” Slash said.

Meanwhile with the girls and DK….

They were just as lost as the girls were. “I ams pretty sure we ams goink in the loops,” Skwis said. “I feel like I’s been here before.”

“How do you know that?” Murderface grumbled. “We don’t know where we are cause we can’t fucking shee! Way to go, Nathan, you choshe an attraction that got ush losht. Way to fucking go.”

“I thought there’d be lights!” Nathan argued.

“Did you figure that out from the all black building, or what?” Murderface said with a roll of his eyes.

“Let’s just calm down,” Pickles said. “I’m sure we’ll find the mirrors sooner or later.”

“Oh we reached the mirrors forever ago. That’s what we keep hitting” Nathan grumbled.

“Jeez” Sam rolled her eyes, turning a corner. “Cat, come on. Let’s go THIS way” Sam drug Cat off.

“But….uhhg fine” Cat sighed, grabbing the hem of Sam’s shirt “this is a real bad idea, Sam”.

“Whatever” Sam brushed it off and continued on, running her hands along the walls of mirrors they couldn’t even see themselves in.

“We are SO lost” Cat whined after a while “…did you hear that?” they heard someone off in the distance.

“WHO’S THERE?” Cat called excitedly. Together Cat and Sam rushed towards the voice.

“Hello?” Sam finally shouted.

“OW! We’re right here!” Izzy snapped, letting go of Axl and Duff’s hands to cover his ringing ears.

“IZZY!” Cat exclaimed, latching on to him “Ohjeez I thought we were lost forever”.

“Don’t get your hopes up yet, hun” Axl sighed “We’re lost too”.

“Oh way to go, Axl” Sam grimaced “You got everyone lost”.

“ME?!” Axl yelled, yanking his hand from Slash and aiming to slap Sam. he managed to smack Izzy’s cigarette out of his mouth, knock off Slash’s hat, and punch Steven in the head.

“Missed me” Sam snickered.

“Axl! What the fuck!” yelled Steven.

“Yeah, Axl, what the fuck was that for?” Slash asked, patting his hands along the ground trying to find his hat.

“Clam down, Axl,” Izzy said. “You shouldn’t let people piss you off like that.”

“I can’t help it!” whined Axl. “It’s in my nature.”

“Well, calm down, and let’s try to get everyone out of here, okay?”

“I say that he should break out the lighter again,” Duff said.

“No!” protested Axl. “I need it!”

“Axl, they cost like 5 bucks at every gas station in America. We’ll buy you another lighter.”

Axl scowled, then said “Fine” and flipped open his lighter. The light given off by the tiny flame didn’t help the situation much. “Fuck! It’s almost out of fucking juice!” yelled Axl.

“Well, let’s try to make the most of it, find those deth metal guys, and get ourselves out of here,” Izzy said, rational as always.

“Can’t we just… leavethemhere?” Duff asked quietly. Everyone was quiet for a long time.

“But…” Sam protested.

“Toki ams my buddy” Cat sniffled.

“But they’re also huge motherfucking DOUCHEbags” Axl snapped, the three different kinds of irony apparently not visible to him.

“We can’t leave them” Izzy sighed.

“But we hate them” Slash offered.

“WE DON’T” Sam and Cat argued.

“I agree with Duff” Steven could be heard giving Duff a high-five.

“They won’t be able to get out without us,” Izzy said finally.

“Fine,” grumbled the other boys.

So they finally met up with DK after stumbling around in the dark for a while, and then after a longer while they all made it out of the magical house of mirrors~ And they spent the rest of the day palling around Wally World, going on every ride at least twice. By the end of the day, it was become more and more obvious that the Gunners and the boys from Dethklok were getting more sick of each other by the minute.

“ohGod” cat whispered to Sam as they exited the park “They fucking hate each other”.

“Inorite” Sam whispered back “This will NOT end well…”

“Well” Charles addressed them all, waiting at the entrance to the Dethcopter “I am suggesting a band divorce. Dethklok will get the girls on weekends and Guns can have them during the week”.

“BULLSHIT” Axl snapped, throwing a beer bottle at Ofdensen “They’re fukin’ UNFIT PARENTS”.

Charles easily dodged the glass and pushed up his glasses, using his middle finger. “Well, what is a better plan?”

Axl thought it over for a long time, feeling the nervous stares of his bandmates, the hateful glares of Dethklok, and the miffed/ worried stares of Sam and Cat on his back. “Well, ya see, it’s like this!” Axl held up a finger “Sunday is hangover day, so we’re out of it on that day… and” Axl turned and bolted, scooping up Sam and Cat on his way. Guns all looked at each other once before sprinting off after him.

“Kidnapping in progress” Ofdensen murmured into a little walkie talkie.

“No ones gets away froms de Klok” Skwisgaar said darkly, following the retreating form of Axl with his gaze.

“He aint gettin’ nowhere” Pickles agreed.

“Wes gonna gets de goils backs” Toki assured everyone.

“Eventually” Nathan promised.

“OHH LOOK. That doushhey Axshl guy jusht got schot!” Murderface pointed.

“MAN DOWN MAN DOWN!” yelled Duff. Axl had dropped the girls and was writhing around overdramatically on the floor. He had gotten clipped in the shoulder. “YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME I’M-” he hissed.

Nathan cut him off. “You’re Axl Motherfucking Rose, we get it. Listen, ginger, it’s not a good idea to mess with Dethklok.”

Charles took over. “We’ll give you medical care free of cost for your shoulder if you agree to the terms of the band divorce.”

“I think it would be better if we just went with it Axl,” said Steven through his teeth. “We get them during the week anyway.”

“FINE,” spat Axl. “Now fix my motherfucking shoulder!”

“Very well,” Charles returned.

Two Klokateers appeared and took Axl off to the Dethcopter infirmary. After Axl’s shoulder had been stitched up and bandaged, the two bands sat in the Dethcopter’s office, with Cat and Sam on either side of Charles.

“By signing this,” he was explaining to both bands, “you are saying that you agree that Guns N’ Roses gets the girls during the week with Dethklok getting visitation rights on weekends. Everyone gets together on holidays and birthdays so the girls grow up in a stable family environment.”

“Like anything about hanging out with those guys is stable,” Axl muttered angrily. He slid a copy of the divorce papers toward both sides of the table, and everyone in both bands signed.

“Thank you very much, gentlemen,” Charles said, collecting the papers in a manila folder and leaving the room. “Guns N’ Roses, you will get escorted back to your apartment with the girls. Good day.”

“TWO CHRISTMASES!” Sam shouted enthusiastically. Cat was in the designated emo corner with Izzy, both of them moping over the situation.

“This will not end well” Izzy grumbled, getting up and following his band out of the room (but not before offering Dethklok the middle finger. Twice).

“You said it, Izzy” Cat agreed.

“It’s been so long since we’ve been home” Duff said, piling into the large, black car Charles had ordered them.

“Yeah” Slash nodded “We were there in the GNR cave for the aging process of Cat and Sam, and then we never went back. It’s been, like, a year”.

“I hate home” Axl said. “Well I don’t wanna hear about it” Steven replied curtly, scooting in next to Duff.

Soon enough they were on their way back to the apartment/ GNRcave/ whatever they lived in in LA.

“Divorce isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be” Sam sniffled. Slash patted her shoulder “It’s okay, kid. Both of us still love you and it isn’t your fault…”

“Yes it is” Axl argued pointlessly.

“Except Axl. He doesn’t love you”.

“SHUT UP SLASH,” yelled Axl, temper flaring. “I DO TOO LOVE HER. I love them both. I,” he held his hand to his chest, “am an excellent mother.” Izzy pffted. “Whatever,” Axl said, acting as if his little argument with Slash had never happened. “Let’s go get some cocaine.”

“That sounds really good actually,” Steve said, smiling widely. The driver drove to the part of LA where all the drug deals take place, and Axl stepped out of the car. There was a giant black man with Kanye West sunglasses and a wifebeater t-shirt standing under a highway overpass.

“This must be his dealer,” Cat said, raising her eyebrows.

As soon as Axl bought the cocaine, fifty cops came jumping out of nowhere. “WHAT’S GOING ON,” yelled Axl, sticking his hands straight up in the air.

The line to get into Wally World was stretching around the corner. “Lets me handles this,” Toki said. He pushed his way to the front of the line with holding both of the girls’ hands and dragging them behind him. “I’s Toki Wartooth,” he told the ticket person. “I ams from Dethklok, and my band and Guns N’ Roses wants to gets into the park. Twelve tickets please,” he dropped the girls’ hands and held his hands out.

The teenager working the ticket booth did not look impressed. “You need to wait in line like everyone else, bro,” he said. “But I ams Toki Wartooth!” protested Toki.

“He’s starting to sound a little like Axl,” snickered Cat. “Don’ts makes me call my manager!” “Bro, you gotta wait in line like everyone else!” the ticket booth dude argued. Toki pulled out his phone and called Charles. “He’s not lettinks me into the park for free!” he yelled into the phone.

Charles sighed. “I’ll be right there. Lemme see what I can do.”

Less than 3 minutes later Charles was beside them with an army of Klokateers. “I believe my guitarist-” he was cut off by a yell from the group standing ten feet away.

“RYTHM GUITARIST”

 “…wanted to get into your park. Is there a problem?” he pushed up his glasses and three klokateers cocked their guns. The scared, zitty boy opened the gates and let the twelve plus Charlie through the gates. “Thank you” Charles smiled placidly and followed his band in.

“Thanks you lawyers-man!” Toki flung himself into Charles in a violent hug.

“Yes, Toki. Please, ah, let go” he attempted to push Toki away but Nathan had already forced him off to push him towards the map.

“CHOOOOOOOSE” he pointed at the rides list.

“I want to go on…”Toki scanned the list “THAT ONE!”

“Looks brutal,” replied Nathan. “It’s the biggest, fastest roller coaster in the world with the most turns.”

“Let’s use our fame to get to the front of the line!” Steve yelled. “And make children cry?” Slash asked. “Yesssss,” hissed Axl.

“You’re a cruel man,” replied Slash, chuckling. They went to the front of the line, got on the ride, and were given pain waivers as soon as they got in the seats. “This is like a Dethklok concert, practically,” said Pickles, skimming the waiver.

“This clears you for suing for potential loss of intestines!” Nathan exclaimed. “This is really brutal. Just start the ride already!”

“ummmmm…” Sam and Cat shared a look before the Scream Queen rocketed off. Everyone, especially Toki, Sam, Cat, and Axl began screaming as soon as the cars broke 170 miles an hour. As the track of 90 degree drops, turns, and quadruple loops slowed to a halt, Axl was clinging to Slash like he was going to die, Toki was still yelling happily, and Skwisgaar was fussing over his hair, which was now sticking straight back.

“HOLY CRAP” Cat exclaimed. “AGAIN AGAIN” Sam demanded. “NO WAY” Axl shouted “You crazy fuckers!”

“I can see why someone would lose their intestines on that thing,” Pickles said, wobbling slightly as he stepped off the ride.

“That was both terrifying and awesome,” replied Slash. “It was just fucking terrifying!” Axl yelled. “Look! I’m shaking!” He held out his hands, which were indeed trembling.

“Let’s take the baby back to hotel!” yelled Duff.

“No! I’m not a baby!” protested Axl. “Let’s go on something else!” He scanned the park. “That!” it was one of those rides that took you straight up in the air then dropped you down superfast.

“Ja!” yelled Toki. “It looks real funs!”

“Ams you crazy, you dildo?” Skwisgaar replied. “No. I’s not going.” He was still trying to smooth down his hair.

“Hey, Rapunzel,” Izzy said, handing him a ponytail holder. “This’ll help.” Skwisgaar quietly tied his hair back, and off they were to the drop zone.

“NOOOO” Sam screamed as Toki, who was too excited to hear her, drug her off. “I’ve never been on one before! Release meeeeee”.

“YEAH! And I’ll stay down here with her… Skwisgaar nodded enthusiastically, running a hand through his tied back hair.

“Babies” Axl snickered. Sam cocked an eyebrow “I’d like to see you ride THAT again” She pointed to the Scream Queen. Axl gulped and hid behind Slash. “Never mind” he muttered. Slash pushed him off “Just get on Axl” he shoved him into a seat.

“Sam, you should gooo” Cat insisted.

“Nope. Nope nope nope” Sam sat firmly on a bench and waited for everyone. Skwisgaar was forced on by Toki, who threatened him with the “I’m better than you argument”

Everyone was buckled in, and then the ride shot about 200 feet up into the sky. Skwisgaar was sitting next to Toki, and was screaming and holding onto him for dear life. Toki was just smiling away. The ride stalled for a little once it reached the top, and then descended, going fast at first then slowing down once it got closer to the bottom.

“You’s baby Skwisgaar,” chortled Toki as they stepped off the ride.

“No I’s not!” argued Skwisgaar.

“You did act like a pansy on that ride, hugging Toki like that,” argued Axl.

“Like you was hugging Slash on the Scream Queen?” retorted Skwisgaar coolly.

“Guys,” said Cat, “we don’t need a repeat of the aquarium. Separate yourselves. Now.” They grudgingly walked away from each other, growling and crossing their arms.

“Where to next?” asked Steve.

“Well, if we can control Queen Axl and Queen Skwisgaar then we should go to the house of mirrors” Nathan replied, his finger following a path on his map “it’s only a little ways that way” he pointed off to the right.

“Sounds nice and relaxing” Izzy sounded relieved as he tromped after Nathan.

“Here it is” Nathan looked up. The House of Mirrors was a five story building. The outside was solid black with no windows, save for one at the top floor. The door was propped open with a halloween-esque gargoyle statue.

“It looks…. dangerous” Duff mumbled.

“Uhhh…” Axl nodded slowly. However, as Guns stood outside, Dethklok rushed in like madmen, taking the girls with them.

“Shit” Slash groaned, hesitantly stepping in. He was already lost one step in.

“This is noooot good” Steven said.

“They’re gonna fucking lose the girls,” Duff groaned.

“Guys?”

“I’m here!” said Axl.

“Where? I can’t see you?” Duff yelled back.

“Follow the sound of my sexy sexy voice!” replied Axl.

Duff facepalmed. “This isn’t phone sex, Axl. Ummm, do you have a lighter?”

“I think,” Axl said, digging through his pockets. “Here we go!” He flicked on the lighter and everyone saw that they were a couple of steps away from each other.

“Well… I feel lame,” Slash said finally.

“We need to find Sam and Cat before that hyperactive Norwegian drags them straight into a mirror and breaks their faces or something,” Izzy said.

“Well, I’m putting my lighter away,” Axl said. “It’s almost out of juice and I might need it later.”

“WAIT!” yelled Steve. “How are we gonna know where we are?”

“Uhhhmmmm… we can hold hands,” shrugged Duff.

Axl raised an eyebrow. “Are you serious? Holding hands is for girls and pansies. I’m not holding hands with anyone.”

Izzy grinned deviously. “You certainly had no qualms about holding Slash’s whole body on the Scream Queen,” he said.

“Shut up, Stradlin, okay? Will you guys stop mentioning that?”

“It’s just that you’re really hilarious when you get all pissy like this,” Steve said.

Axl stuck out his lip sullenly. “Fine.” He held out his hand. “I feel so gay saying this, but everyone grab hands before I put away the lighter.” They complied. “One…two… three.” Axl closed the lighter and it was dark again.

“Let’s try to work our way through this mess,” Slash said.

Meanwhile with the girls and DK….

They were just as lost as the girls were. “I ams pretty sure we ams goink in the loops,” Skwis said. “I feel like I’s been here before.”

“How do you know that?” Murderface grumbled. “We don’t know where we are cause we can’t fucking shee! Way to go, Nathan, you choshe an attraction that got ush losht. Way to fucking go.”

“I thought there’d be lights!” Nathan argued.

“Did you figure that out from the all black building, or what?” Murderface said with a roll of his eyes.

“Let’s just calm down,” Pickles said. “I’m sure we’ll find the mirrors sooner or later.”

“Oh we reached the mirrors forever ago. That’s what we keep hitting” Nathan grumbled.

“Jeez” Sam rolled her eyes, turning a corner. “Cat, come on. Let’s go THIS way” Sam drug Cat off.

“But….uhhg fine” Cat sighed, grabbing the hem of Sam’s shirt “this is a real bad idea, Sam”.

“Whatever” Sam brushed it off and continued on, running her hands along the walls of mirrors they couldn’t even see themselves in.

“We are SO lost” Cat whined after a while “…did you hear that?” they heard someone off in the distance.

“WHO’S THERE?” Cat called excitedly. Together Cat and Sam rushed towards the voice.

“Hello?” Sam finally shouted.

“OW! We’re right here!” Izzy snapped, letting go of Axl and Duff’s hands to cover his ringing ears.

“IZZY!” Cat exclaimed, latching on to him “Ohjeez I thought we were lost forever”.

“Don’t get your hopes up yet, hun” Axl sighed “We’re lost too”.

“Oh way to go, Axl” Sam grimaced “You got everyone lost”.

“ME?!” Axl yelled, yanking his hand from Slash and aiming to slap Sam. he managed to smack Izzy’s cigarette out of his mouth, knock off Slash’s hat, and punch Steven in the head.

“Missed me” Sam snickered.

“Axl! What the fuck!” yelled Steven.

“Yeah, Axl, what the fuck was that for?” Slash asked, patting his hands along the ground trying to find his hat.

“Clam down, Axl,” Izzy said. “You shouldn’t let people piss you off like that.”

“I can’t help it!” whined Axl. “It’s in my nature.”

“Well, calm down, and let’s try to get everyone out of here, okay?”

“I say that he should break out the lighter again,” Duff said.

“No!” protested Axl. “I need it!”

“Axl, they cost like 5 bucks at every gas station in America. We’ll buy you another lighter.”

Axl scowled, then said “Fine” and flipped open his lighter. The light given off by the tiny flame didn’t help the situation much. “Fuck! It’s almost out of fucking juice!” yelled Axl.

“Well, let’s try to make the most of it, find those deth metal guys, and get ourselves out of here,” Izzy said, rational as always.

“Can’t we just… leavethemhere?” Duff asked quietly. Everyone was quiet for a long time.

“But…” Sam protested.

“Toki ams my buddy” Cat sniffled.

“But they’re also huge motherfucking DOUCHEbags” Axl snapped, the three different kinds of irony apparently not visible to him.

“We can’t leave them” Izzy sighed.

“But we hate them” Slash offered.

“WE DON’T” Sam and Cat argued.

“I agree with Duff” Steven could be heard giving Duff a high-five.

“They won’t be able to get out without us,” Izzy said finally.

“Fine,” grumbled the other boys.

So they finally met up with DK after stumbling around in the dark for a while, and then after a longer while they all made it out of the magical house of mirrors~ And they spent the rest of the day palling around Wally World, going on every ride at least twice. By the end of the day, it was become more and more obvious that the Gunners and the boys from Dethklok were getting more sick of each other by the minute.

“ohGod” cat whispered to Sam as they exited the park “They fucking hate each other”.

“Inorite” Sam whispered back “This will NOT end well…”

“Well” Charles addressed them all, waiting at the entrance to the Dethcopter “I am suggesting a band divorce. Dethklok will get the girls on weekends and Guns can have them during the week”.

“BULLSHIT” Axl snapped, throwing a beer bottle at Ofdensen “They’re fukin’ UNFIT PARENTS”.

Charles easily dodged the glass and pushed up his glasses, using his middle finger. “Well, what is a better plan?”

Axl thought it over for a long time, feeling the nervous stares of his bandmates, the hateful glares of Dethklok, and the miffed/ worried stares of Sam and Cat on his back. “Well, ya see, it’s like this!” Axl held up a finger “Sunday is hangover day, so we’re out of it on that day… and” Axl turned and bolted, scooping up Sam and Cat on his way. Guns all looked at each other once before sprinting off after him.

“Kidnapping in progress” Ofdensen murmured into a little walkie talkie.

“No ones gets away froms de Klok” Skwisgaar said darkly, following the retreating form of Axl with his gaze.

“He aint gettin’ nowhere” Pickles agreed.

“Wes gonna gets de goils backs” Toki assured everyone.

“Eventually” Nathan promised.

“OHH LOOK. That doushhey Axshl guy jusht got schot!” Murderface pointed.

“MAN DOWN MAN DOWN!” yelled Duff. Axl had dropped the girls and was writhing around overdramatically on the floor. He had gotten clipped in the shoulder. “YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME I’M-” he hissed.

Nathan cut him off. “You’re Axl Motherfucking Rose, we get it. Listen, ginger, it’s not a good idea to mess with Dethklok.”

Charles took over. “We’ll give you medical care free of cost for your shoulder if you agree to the terms of the band divorce.”

“I think it would be better if we just went with it Axl,” said Steven through his teeth. “We get them during the week anyway.”

“FINE,” spat Axl. “Now fix my motherfucking shoulder!”

“Very well,” Charles returned.

Two Klokateers appeared and took Axl off to the Dethcopter infirmary. After Axl’s shoulder had been stitched up and bandaged, the two bands sat in the Dethcopter’s office, with Cat and Sam on either side of Charles.

“By signing this,” he was explaining to both bands, “you are saying that you agree that Guns N’ Roses gets the girls during the week with Dethklok getting visitation rights on weekends. Everyone gets together on holidays and birthdays so the girls grow up in a stable family environment.”

“Like anything about hanging out with those guys is stable,” Axl muttered angrily. He slid a copy of the divorce papers toward both sides of the table, and everyone in both bands signed.

“Thank you very much, gentlemen,” Charles said, collecting the papers in a manila folder and leaving the room. “Guns N’ Roses, you will get escorted back to your apartment with the girls. Good day.”

“TWO CHRISTMASES!” Sam shouted enthusiastically. Cat was in the designated emo corner with Izzy, both of them moping over the situation.

“This will not end well” Izzy grumbled, getting up and following his band out of the room (but not before offering Dethklok the middle finger. Twice).

“You said it, Izzy” Cat agreed.

“It’s been so long since we’ve been home” Duff said, piling into the large, black car Charles had ordered them.

“Yeah” Slash nodded “We were there in the GNR cave for the aging process of Cat and Sam, and then we never went back. It’s been, like, a year”.

“I hate home” Axl said. “Well I don’t wanna hear about it” Steven replied curtly, scooting in next to Duff.

Soon enough they were on their way back to the apartment/ GNRcave/ whatever they lived in in LA.

“Divorce isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be” Sam sniffled. Slash patted her shoulder “It’s okay, kid. Both of us still love you and it isn’t your fault…”

“Yes it is” Axl argued pointlessly.

“Except Axl. He doesn’t love you”.

“SHUT UP SLASH,” yelled Axl, temper flaring. “I DO TOO LOVE HER. I love them both. I,” he held his hand to his chest, “am an excellent mother.” Izzy pffted. “Whatever,” Axl said, acting as if his little argument with Slash had never happened. “Let’s go get some cocaine.”

“That sounds really good actually,” Steve said, smiling widely. The driver drove to the part of LA where all the drug deals take place, and Axl stepped out of the car. There was a giant black man with Kanye West sunglasses and a wifebeater t-shirt standing under a highway overpass.

“This must be his dealer,” Cat said, raising her eyebrows.

As soon as Axl bought the cocaine, fifty cops came jumping out of nowhere. “WHAT’S GOING ON,” yelled Axl, sticking his hands straight up in the air.

“YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR BUYING COCAINE,” yelled the drug dealer.

“JOE, YOU’RE AN UNDERCOVER COP?!?!” Axl yelled looking up at him. “MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE.”

A few of the cops had made their way over to the car, and were patting everyone down looking for drug paraphernalia. Turns out, everyone except the girls had something on them.

“Great!” yelled Sam. “Our kinda-sorta-not really dads are fucking going to jail. What the fuck are we gonna do now?”

They were sitting in the head officer’s car while the Gunners were being escorted to the county courthouse. Of course, the officer was T-Pain, who had also arrested them for driving erratically with Ozzy Osbourne. “I’m glad those heathens haven’t started slipping cocaine into your cereal, girls,” he said as they drove down the highway. He tsk’d, and then said “That’s daaaaangerous shit and those failures deserve everything that’s coming to them.”

“Actually I accidentally spread coke on my toast instead of butter once” Cat said, shooting Steven an angry glare out the back window.

“Please let them goooo” Sam cried, hugging the front passenger seat from behind “I miss daddies Duff and Slash and mommy Axl!”.

“They screwed up” Cat said reasonably “But… if you could let Izzy and Stevie go…” she muttered.

“None of them are going anywhere. They’ll all be in separate cells with very large cellmates”.

“Can’t we make a deal or something?” Sam took a deep breath, not believing whose example she was about to follow “He’s motherfucking AXL ROSE! He can’t go to JAIL. And he needs his friends!”. She knew that if she could get AXL out, the others were easy picking.

T-Pain rolled his eyes “No, girls”. So they arrived at the station, took finger prints, and their records were reviewed. Height, weight, eye/hair color, and school history (for the punishments received there) was read out loud.

“What’s this?” said officer Pain, looking over their school records after he had read all of them out loud. “None of you finished school? You’re even more pathetic than I though you were to begin with.”

“But we’re still more talented than you,” muttered Izzy.

“I HEARD THAT ISBEL,” yelled Pain, pointing at Izzy, who shrugged nonchalantly.

A light bulb blinked over Sam’s head. “Officer Pain,” she said sweetly, making her eyes huge and sparkly, “since they never finished school, maybe they could just… come to school with us and finish their education.” She sniffled. “We’re only fifteen, Mr. Pain, and we would have such a hard time surviving on our own out there, in the jungle.” She pointed out the tiny window in the jail, where whatever kind of debauchery was taking place outside of.

“We’ll sign them up for health class so they learn that drugs are bad,” Cat added, sounding just as ASDFMARYSUREKAWAIIDESUUUU.

“Pleeeease?” they said in unison, looking up at him like they were going to start sobbing uncontrollably at any minute. All of the boys looked miserable at the thought of being sent back to school, since they thought they were done after dropping out in the first place.

“I’ll… I’ll consider it. They have to stay in jail for forty-eight hours and then you can post bail, but I’ll talk to the judge.” As the Gunners were led off into their cells, Officer Pain shook his head sadly. “Such nice girls,” he said.

“DOUCHEBAG” Axl yelled as he was drug off. Thankfully, as it would not have helped their case at all, he went unheard by Officer Pain.

“It’ll be SO much fun if Daddies and mommy can go to school with us” Cat sued to Sam. Sam giggled and nodded.

“Well let’s go girls, you need to be kept safe for the next 48 hours. We’re taking you to a fancy hotel uptown.

Sam and Cat looked thrilled. “Wowee” Cat said to Sam, grinning.

“Yeah. I wonder why guns never took us to one. They’re pretty rich” Sam shrugged.

Cat tapped her chin “Maybe because they like living in their own bodily fluids and grime?” she suggested. Sam agreed that this was very likely. So they bunked up for two days in a hotel room on the 16th floor of a four star hotel, passing through the most peaceful 48 they had ever had.

Aaaand then they had to call Charles two mornings later, asking him to send them enough money for them to post bail. A klokateer came by the hotel some time later, and handed them a briefcase filled with bail money. So they jumped in the car they were given by DK, and illegally drove their drivers permit bearing selves to the county jail. All of the Gunners looked irritable, tired, and bloodshot. Officer Pain was manning the front desk.

“We’re here to post bail, Mr. Pain,” Cat said in her KAWAAAIIIIDESSSSUUUU voice.

“Their court date is in two weeks, so make sure that they attend,” he told her, and went around to all five cells and unlocked the door.

“I need to shave,” groaned Izzy, rubbing his stubbly cheek.

“I need to shower more than you need to shave,” Steven said.

“You smell like ass, dude,” Duff told him.

“Why else would I need to shower?” Steve returned.

Sooo they left the jail, drove to their apartment, and tried to keep their noses clean until their court date arrived. On the morning of the court date, Sam and Cat insisted that all five of them wear suits, since “You look better behaved when you wear a suit.”

They drove to the courthouse, sat through the hearing, and at the end, the judge said, “You will not be serving any jail time.” The Guns sighed. “Instead, you will be completing a semester of high school with your… uhm… daughters.” Steven big noooooo’d. “Court adjourned.” He slammed his gavel down, and Guns and the girls left the courtroom.

“What grade will we be doing?” Slash asked Officer Pain in the lobby.

“Whatever grade you dropped out of” he replied.

“Uhg” Slash groaned, facepalming.

“Too bad our year-long summer is over” Cat sighed “Skool is nawt kool”.

“But we get to go to tenth grade, Cat!” Sam said chipperly.

“I guess you’re right” Cat shrugged. “So school starts…” she checked her phone for the date “Tomorrow morning”.

“NOOOOO” Steven shouted again. But, the law is the law, and though the gunners didn’t follow it too closely, they were just going to have to go to school.

“That was… surprisingly fun,” said Nathan.

“And we gots moneys!” Toki chirped. “And I gots to kiss an Italian goils!”

“Good for yous, little Toki,” congratulated Skwisgaar, patting him on the back.

“I feel like I need to get back into character and do something impulsive and dangerous,” said Axl, inspecting the money he earned. “Let’s steal a car.”

“Let’s steal a car made by that dude who’s related to me,” suggested Cat. “It’ll get me in lots of trouble.”

“You are being unusually dangerous,” Sam pointed out. She smiled widely. “Congratulations.”

“Now let’s do this thing,” Axl commanded.

“Your drama suddenly makes me happy” Slash chuckled mysteriously “Damn right we should steal a car” he grabbed Axl’s wrist and led him into danger for once. Soon they were at the>Insert Cat’s last Name Here< car maker place.

“WOOOOO stealing cars is fuuun!” Steve grinned. He was shushed “woooo” he whispered.

They went through about thirty cars before picking a bright red sports car that was surprisingly roomy. “EPIC” Axl jumped into the driver’s seat.

There were, surprisingly enough, keys stuck in the ignition. He turned on the car, slammed the gas, and then yelled “FUCK! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE STICK!”

“Wing it!” yelled Cat. Axl was wiggling the stick shift around, and the car started going around in circles. A bunch of fancy Italian men started to panic.

“At least we can bail Axl out of jail if he gets arrested,” said Pickles.

“Thank Gods for amateur night,” Toki said. Axl jumped out of the car, with it still running, and hightailed it out of the building, leaving everyone behind.

“Thanks for leaving us!” yelled Slash.

“WELL FUCK YOU” Axl yelled back at him, being chased by two men who looked a lot like Mario and Luigi. Slash considered saying ‘please do’, but then felt a wave of compassion for the uncomfortable situation that would bring on. So he was quiet. The group watched as Axl was chased around the auto factory over and over until he was so tired that he fell over. And of course, he was drug off to jail.

“Well there goes our extra cash” Duff sighed, pulling the wad of money out of his pants, where he claimed it would be safest.

“We should bail him out” Steven nodded “it’s the right thing to do”.

“Or we could let him suffer and get all mad again” Slash shrugged. Everyone shot him a disgusted glare. “Whaaat?” he asked. Everyone ignored him.

“So bail is…?” Nathan asked the jail clerk guy when they got there. When they received the answer, they realized that Amateur Night money would not be accepted. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT ENOUGH?” Nathan roared. “We have at least,” he quickly did the math in his head, “$1000 between us.”

“Is all in American money,” the jail clerk replied. “Except for his.” He pointed at the money Duff had in his hands, which was Italian. Duff grinned proudly as he handed over the money. “You need Italian money to bail your friend out. Now leave.”

The group left the jail, with Nathan fuming. “I can’t fucking believe that they wouldn’t take our money!” he exclaimed angrily. “Money’s money, right?”

“Why don’t ya just go to da… da… place where they give you Italian money in exchange for American money?” suggested Pickles.

“If we can find one,” Nathan huffed.

“I thinks I’s saw one overs there” Toki pointed off to the left.

“Well lezzgo” Pickles gestured out the door.

“YOU ASSHOLES BETTER NOT LEAVE ME HERE” Axl shouted. He was ignored by everyone- Slash included. “NOOO”. But they were gone.

“Coins place ams dere!” Toki pointed to a building clearly labeled “Children’s Clothing” in English and everything.

“Dlido, dats ams not de coins place. Ams clothes store” Skiwsgaar crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

“I’s sorry!” Toki whined. “English ams still hard for me to read.” He pouted slightly as the group walked on.

“Did you try using the ‘he’s Axl Rose’ card?” Duff asked. “Maybe that’ll get him out of jail.”

Izzy pfft’ed. “It’s never gotten him out before. And didn’t you hear him screaming ‘YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME, I’M AXL FUCKING ROSE!’ as they carried him off?” Izzy shook his head. “He never learns.”

“Is that the money place?” Steve asked, pointing to an official looking building that said ‘centro di scambio monetario’ on the front. “It looks like it might have something to do with money,” Pickles replied. So they went in, and found that the inside was very much like a bank on the inside.

“I think we’re in the right place,” Slash said, observing his surroundings.

“Now what do we do?” asked Nathan.

“We ask for money exchange is what we do” Duff stalked up to the counter and slammed down 900 American dollars “Please make this into Italian money”.

The man looked at him like he was crazy. Steven yanked the Italian money out of Duff’s pocket and held it out. “Make THIS” he gestured to the American money “into THISSS” he waved the Italian money around.

“Ohhhhh” the man nodded and did the exchange.

“That was uneventful” Slash sounded disappointed.

“Where are Sam and Cat?” Izzy asked, looking around. THEY WERE GONE OMGBBQ!!!!!1324A! “Shiiit” Slash facepalmed.

“Well let’s go get dat Axl guy and den we cen go look fer um. Nothin bad’ll happen, bad stuff never happens in feriegn countries” Pickles assured everyone.

“That’s the worst logic ever” Nathan scoffed “Remember our trip to Finland?”.

“Oh yeah” Pickles scratched his head. So they went back to the jail and bailed out Axl, who was whining about something or other the whole time they went back to the area of the money exchange center. “Where are we going?” he asked, trailing along behind Slash and slumping his shoulders.

“You probably haven’t noticed since you’ve been whining since you got out of jail, but the minors we’re halfway responsible for are missing,” Izzy explained.

“Well, where do ya think they ran off too?” Axl asked. “Knowing the weird stuff that happens around us, someone probably, I dunno, kidnapped them or something.”

And kidnapped they were. By Dr. Rockzo. Oh my.

They were sitting the backseat of a car, probably stolen, as Rockzo tore through the streets of Venice. “Where are we going?” shrieked Cat. “More pressingly, why did you kidnap us?” wailed Sam. Rockzo cackled as they sped away.

“I’m taking you to train you to be my backup dancers/ guitarists/ tattoo artists/ clowns” he declared, running through about six red lights all in one go, almost killing an old woman, George Clooney, and a bus of school children.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” they wailed “Come rescue us, Dethklok and GNR”. But their cries were unheard.

WITH THE GUYS *magical cliche superhero cartoon scene change* 

“Okay guys” Slash was at the head of a huge conference center in their Italian BatCave (like the one at the beginning of the story- but Italian). “We have to find the gurlz” he paced back and forth in front of a huge screen displaying all of their known enemies.

“The most likely suspect is Dr. Rockzo/ Chett” Axl added, suddenly next to Slash wearing a short skirt, heels, and square glasses. His hair was pulled back into a neat bun with chopsticks.

Slash did a double take. “Where… did you get those clothes?” he asked, looking Axl over.

“They’re my secretary clothes,” Axl explained, placing his hands on his hips. Slash shook his head, then continued.

“He probably wanted to get revenge on you,” he paused to point at Dethklok, “for firing him as the pilot of your Dethcopter and probably getting him beat up.”

“What yer saying is that he tried to get revenge by kidnapping the girls?” Pickles asked.

“Exactly,” confirmed Slash, nodding.

“Your friend is crazy, Toki,” muttered Nathan.

“He’s just-!” began Toki, but Nathan cut him off.

“Misunderstood, we know we know. You know that him kidnapping the girls isn’t giving us any points in our book, don’t you?” Toki nodded, looking halfway sad.

“Where do you think he took them?” asked Duff.

“Here,” Slash said, pointing at the screen.

“It… looks like a carnival,” said Steven.

“It’s the International Clown Convention. It’s in Rome this week. It’s the most probable place.”

“Agreed” Nathan nodded, suddenly dressed in a general’s uniform.

“This is turning into a comic book” Steven whispered to Duff. But Duff didn’t hear him.

“We’ll need someone to get up to a vantage point so they can observe the situation” Nathan stroked his chin.

“Exactly” Slash agreed “they’d need to be small and stealthy”. All eyes were on Steven. “Fiiiine” Steven crossed his arms, cursing his 5’7”-ness.

“Next, we need someone BATSHIT motherfuckin crazy to go in and distract everyone by causing a scene” Slash elbowed Axl “That’s where Ms. Rose here comes in”.

“MR” Axl snapped.

“Well you’re wearing a skirt” Slash snickered. Axl rolled his eyes.

“Alright. Then we’ll need a team of soldiers to go in and recover the victims” Nathan was checking things off a list.

“Skwisgaar ish a shtrong and brave little soldier,” suggested Murderface.

“I’m strong and brave, too!” Pickles said.

“Fine. Skwisgaar and Pickles, you can be the soldiers.”

“Toki, too!” Toki shouted, flailing his arm and hitting Murderface in the… face.

“And lastly, we need a team who can get the victims to a safe area,” Slash said.

“I guess that’s me and Duff,” Izzy said. “I can drive stick, so I think I’ll be good driving an Italian car.”

“Let’s roll,” Slash said, putting on his sunglasses.

——-

“KKKCSHH GuitarGod1 to GuitarGod 2, over KKKCSHH” Slash whispered into a walkie-talkie, surveying the scene from under a bush.

“KKKCSHH Whats, overs KKKCSHH” Skwisgaar yelled back.

“We need to move inwards towards the middle of the fair, the clown isn’t where he’s supposed to be” Slash stood and exited the bush “He’s in the central tent, I can see him now, over”.

“Okays, over” Skwisgaar, Pickles, and Toki all moved out. “You haves to be very quiet… Toki!” Skwisgaar addressed the group in a whisper.

“Whats did I do?” Toki said loudly. He was shushed by Pickles and Skwisgaar. “Sorrys,” he whispered. The group stalked among all the clowns to the central tent, trying to look as inconspicuous as they could. They were almost there when they noticed that Toki wasn’t with them.

“Where ams that little dildo?” growled Skwisgaar. Pickles squinted and looked behind them. He was buying a balloon animal from a clown. “Toki!” Pickles yelled, waving him over.

“Sorrys,” Toki told the clown, grabbing his balloon animal and running back toward Skwisgaar and Pickles.

“What ams you doing?” Skwisgaar exclaimed. “I boughts a balloon animal! Look, Skwisgaar, it ams a real cool cat” He smiled as he held out the pink and green balloon cat.

“Yes, yes, ams very cool,” Skwisgaar said, pushing the cat out of his face “We haves more imporktant things to worry about now.”

“Fines” Toki pouted, letting his balloon animal float away. “Good, now lezzgo!” Pickles rushed them along, realizing with a grimace that they were being watched by an awful lot of clowns now.

“KKKCSH GuitarGod2, what’s going on, over? KKKCSH” Slash whispered.

Skwisgaar tossed the walkietalkie to Pickles. “Uhhh dis is Irishman2 here, and uhh we gaht noticed… laihke real bad, cheif…uh, over”. The line was silent for a long time until Slash finally sighed

“Well continue on as normal. Steven, what’s the deal up by you, over”

“Why don’t I get a cool nickname?” Steven whined.

“You’re sposed ta say over, ya douchebag, over!” Pickles interrupted.

“SHUT UP” Steven wailed “I wanna be LittleDrummerBoy!” they heard the leaves of the tree he was hiding in rustle.

“Steven, for the love of God SHUT UP” Axl shouted into his walkie-talkie “oh, OVER”.

“IrishGuy1, please commence distraction NOW, over” Slash instructed.

“You got it, Slash, over” Axl hung up. He walked up to a group of balloons and started popping them relentlessly. The chatter of the clowns stopped, and the tent grew dead silent. Every eye was focused on Axl. “What do you think you’re doing?” a clown with a rainbow afro wig asked.

“I’m popping these balloons,” Axl said, putting his hands on his hips. “And you know what?”

“What?” another clown asked.

“There’s nothing you can do to stop me, because I’m AXL MOTHERFUCKING ROSE!” He ran out of the tent and started knocking over everything in his path.

“He is too good at being destructive,” Slash said “Now roll out and get them!” he continued, addressing the soldiers. Pickles, Skwisgaar, and Toki ran into the tent, only to find that one clown had remained. Dr. Rockzo.

“Where ams the girls?” Skwisgaar asked angrily.

“Your distractions didn’t work on me, buh-buh-buh-baybeeeey,” Rockzo said, dodging the question. “Damn it” Pickles snapped his fingers.

“Gives dem backs!” Skwisgaar demanded.

“No k-k-kah wayyyy” Rockzo laughed “They’re gonna be my k-k-k-back up singers”.

Suddenly the tent burst open, a tear in the side. Axl sprinted through with no pants on “I HAVEN’T AHD THIS MUCH FUN SINCE FOREVER” he laughed manically as he sprinted past Chett/ Rockzo, whose attention was now fully on Axl.

“K-k-kyeahhhh buhbuh baybeeeey” he started to follow the mob chasing Axl.

“SAMS, CAISLIN” Skwisgaar called. “WHERE AMS YOU WERE?” Toki added.

“Here!” they shouted. They were in plain sight, about ten feet away.

“Ohhhhhh” Pickles smacked his forehead “Well I feel stupid now”

“Can we leave?” Cat asked. “We’ve been on a destructive roadtrip through Italy, and I’m tired.”

“Yous ams always tired,” Toki pointed out.

“We’re teenagers,” Sam yawned. “Need our sleep.”

“KKKKSCHK GuitarGod1 to GuitarGod2, overs,” Skwisgaar said into his walkie-talkie.

“KKKKSHCK, what? Over,” Slash replied a few moments later.

“We gots the girls, but you needs to come down here and control your lead singer. He ams being chased around nakeds by a cocaine loving clown, over.”

Slash growled on the other end and said, “Take the girls out of there. I’ll be down there shortly, over.” Slash sighed.

“You seriously need to consider getting a babysitter for him,” Nathan said.

“What does it look like I am?” Slash moaned.

“A babysitter” Nathan grunted back.

“Exactly. Though that’s not the greatest word for it” Slash grimaced. They trudged out of their hiding place and over to Axl, who was standing on the top of a hotdog stand, still Naked, and still angry.

“C’MON MOTHERFUCKERS, JUST TRY TO GET ME” he shouted, half laughing.

“AXL” Slash cupped his hands around his mouth. Axl stopped yelling long enough to look at Slash and wave.

“I CAN’T GET DOWN” he waved wildly at Slash, who tossed him a pair of jeans. He pulled them on and attempted to calm the crowd with “APRIL FOOLS EVERYONE!”. The clowns weren’t having it. One particularly burly midget clown on another’s shoulders grabbed his ankle and pulled, being sure Axl’s head hit something hard on the way down. 

Slash cringed “C’mon people” he tried “He’s high, I’m not lying! Just give him a break” he forced into the crowd, Nathan’s violent tactics helping him out.

“ALRIGHT,” roared Nathan as soon as they got to the front of the crowd. “HAND OVER THAT GINGER, OR THERE’S GONNA BE BLOOD.” He sneered and cracked his knuckles for effect, and coupled with the general’s uniform he was still wearing, it made for a pretty terrifying scene for clowns. The clown the midget had been standing on top of handed Axl to Nathan, who slung him over his shoulder. “Good,” Nathan said, backing away. Axl was pounding on his back with both fists, screaming, “LET ME DOWN! I CAN FUCKING WALK!”

“You can’t be trusted,” Slash replied. Axl was surprisingly quiet as they made their way through the rest of the convention to the entrance where Izzy was behind the wheel of a Mazarrati and Duff was riding shotgun, with everyone else piled in the back.

“Finally,” Izzy said. “We’ve been waiting here forever.”

“Iz smoked his way through a pack and a half of cigarettes,” Duff added, pointing to the full ashtray. Nathan, Slash, and Axl managed to squeeze in the backseat, and they sped off to the hotel where Izzy was staying.

“Man, I’m really homesick,” Steve groaned when they walked inside. “I wanna go back to LA.”

Sam had a bright idea. “Let’s go to LA, and we can go to Wally World while we’re there. After all, Skwis and Toki have never been.”

“Wally World sounds pretty good, actually,” Duff said, nodding.

“But what about Iiiiiiirelaaaaaaaand?” moaned Axl and Pickles.

“We’ll get there eventually,” Nathan told them.

“Pffffft. No we will not” Slash said skeptically “It just will not happen”.

“Oh shut up Slash” Axl snapped, slapping him in the arm. “I liked your good mood better” Slash huffed.

“STOP FLIRTING BEFORE YOU START” Izzy raised his voice, turning a hairpin turn without slowing down.

“Jeez fine” Axl crossed his arms crankily. “Good” Izzy sighed “because otherwise I may wreck, and no one wants that”. Eventually they all got back to the hotel, gathered up their shit, and headed for the airport. Including Charles, they had to get thirteen tickets to LA.

“Ahh good ol’ LA” Pickles sighed “I miss the place. Ever since Tony sorta-kinda-died, I’ve been wantin’ ta go back n’ take a trip down memory lane” he seemed sad.

“Tony was a dick” Nathan said insensitively.

“You didn’t even know ‘im” Pickles snorted.

“His top hat made him look like a dick” Nathan replied. Slash shot him a glare.

“It’s been almost 80 pages since we were in LA” Sam said to cat.

“I know, Sam. It’s horrible!” Cat agreed.

“I miss LA so bad,” Steve said.

“I miss the sleaze,” Duff replied. “There’s nothing quite like hookers willing to blow you for free.” Axl started singing It’s So Easy as Duff and Steve highfived. The plane ascended into the sky, and so began the very long flight to Los Angeles.

“I’m tellin ya,” Pickles said to Charles, “flyin on a plane may take longer, but it sure is a lot more reliable den da Dethcopter. Have you found a new pilot, yet?”

“I’m working on it, Pickles,” Charles replied, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Thirteen or so hours later, the arrived in Los Angeles.

“Home sweet home!” Stevie exclaimed, getting all giddy as they stepped off the plane.

“I’s going to ride all the rollings coasters at Wally World!” Toki said, getting just as giddy.

“AHHHH HOOKERS” Duff, Steven, Skwisgaar, and Nathan were immediately gone.

“What do we do now?” Cat asked. “This is boring” Sam agreed.

“Wallys World” Toki shouted, jumping up and down.

“Okay, but not until the others get back from screwing hookers” Sam nodded.

“I wish I was banging a hooker right now” Axl sighed, glaring at Slash accusingly.

Slash seemed confused “What’s stopping you? Or me for that matter?” they glared for a long time before sighing.

“Hookers are disease ridden anyway’ Slash kicked something on the dirty LA ground. “YEAH” Axl actually took up a chunk of concrete with his boot.

“IDK what they’re talking about, but lets get a hotel” Izzy led Sam, Cat, Toki, and Pickles off.

They were in the sleazy section of town right off the sunset strip, and Pickles and Izzy looked like they were at home while the girls and Toki were sort of nervous and jumpy. The girls were getting eyed by every vagrant on the street.

“I can see why the girls who hung around you guys ended up becoming crack whores,” Sam told Pickles and Izzy. Pickles sighed loftily. “Goood times,” he said dreamily.

“And here we are!” Izzy announced. They were standing in front of a broken down hotel whose sign was half falling off the building.

“Guns stayed here for a little while,” Izzy explained.

“Funny,” Pickles said, “because Snakes n’ Barrels did, too.” Izzy shrugged. “It’s weird how we never ran into you.”

“I know” Pickles nodded “We’re like so similar…. were anyway” he stalked in purposefully along with Izzy.

“AXL” the person behind the counter opened his arms for a hug, stopped, and corrected himself “PICKLES! Sorry about that, Kid”. The man was at least 90.

“Hey Jim-Bob” Pickles hugged him.

“And Mr. Stradlin!” the man motioned for Izzy to give him a hug too. Izzy stayed stationary “hey JB” he waved slightly.

“Are these your kids?” JB inspected Sam and Cat “That one looks like ya” he said to neither man in particular.

“Nope, they’re technically married to our best friends, but Caitlin was supposedly mine first” Izzy shrugged, but JB seemed extremely confused.

“…Anyway, what are you two doin here? You both have enough money to stay at those fancy hotels”

“We’re in LA on a vacation from our vacation, and we decided to come here fer old time sakes,” Pickles explained.

“Of course,” Jim-Bob said, not really seeming to understand what Pickles was saying.

“Well, here’s your room keys, gentlemen,” he finished, handing them an old-fashioned key and not one of those keycards that most hotels have.

“Thanks, JB,” Izzy said, with a slight salute. The group went down the hall from the reception desk to their room. Izzy stuck the key in the lock and opened the door, and it was by far the nastiest room either girl had ever seen. There were all sorts of stains all over the wall, peeling paint, and roaches scuttling across the floor.

“AHWMAHGAWD” Cat screamed, hiding behind Izzy “I cannot stay here” she panicked. Sam was busy trying to smash the roaches.

“Ahhh, c’mon, it’s naht… dat bad” Pickles didn’t seem to believe himself.

“Oh looks, it ams havink only one beds!” Toki pointed “We can haves slumber parties!” he raced over to it a flopped down, immediately retracting “Dere ams sticky stuff heres”.

“And that’s why these hotels never have blacklights in them” Izzy snickered.

“That is SO GROSS” Cat screeched. “I refuse to sleep here”. “Same” Sam held up her hand.

“Weellll,” Pickles said, rocking back and forth on his heels. “You can stay up all night. I really don’t want to leave, ya know, since JB is an old friend and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by leaving.” “Same,” Izzy replied.

“Sooo, why don’t ya go to IKEA or someplace and get yerself a blanket and sleep on the floor,” Pickles concluded.

“I can see your point,” Cat said. “We could get an inflatable mattress,” suggested Sam. “Sounds like a plan to me,” Cat replied.

“Tos IKEA!” Toki yelled.

So they went to IKEA: the end <3

Of course, it wasn’t really the end. Cat and Sam will be writing this story till they’re old ladies writing about palling around with the Golden Girls. Anyway, they went to Ikea, bough some inflatable mattresses, and went back to the hotel. On the way in, Pickles remarked to JB about the condition of the rooms, to which he just shrugged and said that he stopped bothering cleaning them a looong time ago.

As they were blowing up the mattresses, Toki asked “When ams everyone else gettinks back? I want to go to Wally World.”

“Dey should be back soon, Toki,” Pickles told him, “Hookers are usually pretty fast screws.”

“They’ve been gone for like an hour,” added Izzy.

“Maybe dey ams lost?” offered Toki

“I think they got AIDS and are ashamed to come back” Sam snickered.

“How would they even know if they had AIDS at this point?” Cat rolled her eyes, spreading a sheet over the IKEA mattress.

“I bet they’re lost” Pickles shook his head. “Looks like good ol’ Pickles is gonna have ta bale um out agen”.

“You are NOT leaving us here” Cat scowled.

“Yeah, besides. It’s impossible for Guns to get lost in LA” Sam added.

“Whatever” Pickles flopped down on Sam’s mattress heavily, bouncing up and falling down a few times before settling.

“Looks likes fun” Toki grinned before beginning to bounce up and down on his mattress.

“It is fun,” replied Sam. “Haven’t you ever bounced on a bed before?”

Toki shook his head. “I hads old mattress in Norway; ams not bouncy. I ams never feelink like it at Mordhaus,” he replied in midair.

“So are we just gonna wait for those dirty horndogs to get back, or what?” Izzy wondered aloud.

“Just leave em alone. Dey’re not babies, I’m sure dey can take care of themselves just fine.” Meanwhile, the rest of the boys were at a brothel, arguing with the pimp about prices per hour. “LOOK,” yelled Axl. “If you think I’m gonna pay a hundred dollars to screw that dirty whore, you’re insane.”

“Like it or leave it, bub,” replied the pimp.

“Well I’m LEAVING IT” Axl shouted, crossing his arms.

“Psh your loss” everyone else disappeared behind the velvet curtains hiding the ladies, leaving little Axl upset and alone in the “lobby”. The huge pimp was staring at him intently. “Um…” Axl looked back, initially brave and fading into fearful fast. “I’ll just… sit here and wait” he coughed and took a seat in a leopard print armchair.

“Well stay there” the pimp disappeared back where his bandmates and recently acquired tour group had gone.

“THIS SUCKS BALLS” he shouted angrily, kicking the coffee table.

“DID SOMEONE SAY SUCKING BALLS” Chett ran around the corner, fully dressed in a pimp outfit (fedora and all).

“GOD NO,” Axl screamed. “NOT YOU AGAIN. I HATE YOU.”

“Your hate only makes my love grow stronger,” replied Rockzo/Chett.

“HELP!” Axl yelled.

“You shoulda gone inside, b-b-b-baybayyyy,” replied Rockzo/Chett, sitting next to Axl in the one person arm chair.

“I will rip your balls off if you even think about touching my dick,” growled Axl, staring Rockzo/Chett right in the eyes.

“I like it when you get mad,” he replied. Axl looked ready to smack a bitch

“I’m ready to smack a bitch!” Axl held up a hand, srs about it.

Chett/ Rockzo giggled madly “Oh b-b-b-baaaaybyyyy daddy likes it when you-” he didn’t get a chance to finish as an enormous, dangerous looking black man burst out from behind the curtains.

“WHO SED HE WUZ GONNA SMACK MY BITCHES?” he snarled. Axl pointed at Chett/ Rockzo immediately. Rockzo/ Chett was chased from the room just as every band member came back.

“That was not worth 100 bucks” Slash grumbled.

“I’s getsink better from 80 year-olds ladies” Skwisgaar agreed.

“I guess we should go find the others and go to Wally World so Toki gets it out of his system,” suggested Nathan.

“Sounds good to me,” replied Steve. And so back to the hotel they went. “Are you sure they’re here?” asked Nathan. Duff nodded. “We ALWAYS stayed here back before we were famous. JB is like a third grandpa.”

“I hope you’re right,” said Nathan. They walked in, and JB almost cried with joy at the sight of Axl, Slash, Duff, and Steven. “You looking for Izzy?” he asked after hugging all of them. “Yeah,” Slash told him.

“He’s in that room,” replied JB, pointing down the hall. They knocked on every door down the hallway, and most of the occupants who opened the doors were druggies or hookers. Finally, they got to the last door in the hallway, which was where the girls, Izzy, Pickles, and Toki were. Skwisgaar knocked, and Toki opened the door.

“Skwisgaar! You ams back!” exclaimed Toki. “Did you kiss the naked goils?”

Skwisgaar shook his head disgustedly. “They ams all dirty, ugly whores. GMILFs ams much better.” Toki’s face fell. “Dats nots very nice, Skwisgaar” he waved his finger disapprovingly.

“Pfffft. Packs up, we’s goinks to Wally World for you and de goils” he shoved Toki into the room where Izzy, Pickles, Sam, and Cat were playing Go Fish while jumping on the beds.

“We’re going to an amusement park” Slash said, peeking in the room. Everyone froze. “FINALLY!!!!!!” Cat yelled, jumping extra high and almost hitting the low ceiling.

“YAYYY” Sam repeated. So they all packed up, called a couple of bags and went to WW.

“Are you fucking serious?” Pickles asked as they deboarded the hateredcopter.

“I’m not surprised,” Duff said, “because weird shit happens to you more than it happens to us.”

“I’m gonna get sunburned like you wouldn’t believe,” Axl moaned.

“It’s called sunscreen,” Slash said, throwing a bottle of SPF 50 at him. “For you weird almost albinos.” he grinned.

“I never sunburn!” Cat proclaimed. “Yay for being 1/4th Mexican.”

“And yay for being half black,” Slash added. The two high-fived.

“I wants to scuba dive!” Toki said. “And swim with my underwaters friends!”

“You and the fish must’ve really bonded while we were in the Mariana trench,” Nathan said. “You knows it,” Toki replied, nodding.

“When I was in fifth grade I wanted to die just so I could have my burial the way I wanted it” Sam said, receiving a martini as soon as her feet hit the ground. Duff snatched it and gulped it down in one “And how was that funeral gonna go?”

“I wanted to be fed to the sharks” Sam replied, eying a shark tank across the way. “Brutal” Nathan approved.

“That’s terrible” Cat sighed “Sam you are strange”  “Meh”.

“So what do we do now that Little Miss Sunshine over there’s told us about her deathwish?!” Axl demanded “We have to go see the hula people”.

“I wanna play bongos” Steven was ecstatic.

“I demand to see the aquarium FIRST” Cat raised her hand, sprinting towards the aquarium as fast as she could.

“Underwater friieeeeeeends!” Toki yelled, sprinting behind her. The rest of the group trailed behind. When they got to the aquarium, they were immediately given little stickers signifying that they had paid and were given full access to every exhibit in the aquarium.

“Wow-wee!” Toki said. “We don’t have to pay!”

“When’s da last time we payed for anything?” Pickles told him. “We’re muthafucking Dethklok.”

“What should we see first?” Slash asked, looking at the little pamphlet all about the aquarium they’d been given.

“Sharks,” Nathan said. “They’re fucking brutal.”

“Sharks it is,” Slash replied, and they began walking toward the shark tank, with Toki practically vibrating with excitement the whole way there.

“Dey ams just fish!” Skwisgaar told him. “Nothink to get exciteds about.”

“SHUTS UP SKWISGAARS” Toki stamped his foot and ran off somewhere near the manatees. No one tried to go after him until ten minutes later a woman came over the intercom “Someone has lost an overgrown child. He’s been attempting to swim with the killer whales for the last five minutes. If Toki belongs to you please come retrieve him” click.

“SKIWSGAAR LOOK WHAT YOU DID” Axl yelled from over by the turtles with Sam.

“BITCH YOU DONTS KNOWINK ME” Skwisgaar shot back. “OH IT IS ON” Axl started rolling up the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Skwisgaar stormed towards him. “Lets be fightinks now”

“GET IN THE RING, MOTHERFUCKER, AND I’LL KICK YOUR BITCHY LITTLE ASS,” Axl yelled.

“Does he yell that every time he gets in a fight?” Nathan asked.

“Yuuup,” Izzy replied “We usually just ignore him.”

“That’s sort of brutal. It’s like a fucking battle cry,” Nathan returned. Izzy shrugged.

“GO SKWISGAAR!” yelled Sam. Axl was too preoccupied to notice and whine “What about meeeeeeeeee?” Skwisgaar took one step toward Axl with his fist balled, and Axl punched him in the gut. Skwisgaar was doubled over clutching his stomach.

“I won a fight!” Axl exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. Skwisgaar reached over and gave Axl a kick in the knees.”OW!” yelled Axl.

“Quit it, guys,” growled Nathan, not actually feeling like stepping in and intervening. “We gotta find Toki before some shark eats him or something.”

“I DONT CARE” Axl kneed Skwisgaar in the crotch. He fell over with a curse in Swedish. “Okay now I can go help- OW” Axl screeched as Skwisgaar pulled his hair hard enough to send him into the wall… of glass. The wall started cracking.

“Oh dear sweet Lord” Nathan said quietly. “RUN” shouted Duff. They all started running. As soon as they were safely outside the entire aquarium, including sharks and starfish all poured out onto the street. The entire group minus Skwisgaar and Axl started running around dunking animals in cups of water or throwing them into the ponds located outside.

“YOU DOUCHEBAGS” Pickles yelled.

“You killed so many animals” Cat was sobbing.

“And you might have killed people and Toki too!” Nathan was trying to wrestle a hammerhead shark into a hot tub.

“We should put them back into the ocean,” Cat said, picking up various fish and dropping them into the ocean.

“Tokiiiiii,” yelled Pickles. “Have you drowned?”

“We really need to stop Axl when he wants to start a fight,” Izzy said, sounding very stressed.

“I think I see Toki!” Duff said, pointing at a figure lying facedown in a puddle with floundering fish. Nathan squinted.

“It looks like him,” he said slowly. He threw the shark into the hot tub and started walking over to where Toki supposedly lay.

“Toki, is that you?” Nathan asked, gently shaking the person’s shoulder. They coughed, then rolled over. It wasn’t Toki, but a tourist who had brown hair and was wearing navy and brown. Nathan big no’ed.

“Did he die?” Pickles asked, wringing his hands.

“It’s not Toki,” Nathan said, sighing. He turned to Slash. “Your singer is fucking out of control.”

“Tell me about it,” Slash said, wringing out his hair.

“Don’t you like, put someone in charge of him?” Nathan continued, anger rising

“Well he’s like 30… I think. He could also be 19 or 45. The authors haven’t decided” Slash shook off like a dog “He doesn’t need a baby sitter”

“Toki does and he’s 25” Nathan crossed his arms.  Slash blinked slowly “In retrospect, an Axl babysitter is a good idea” he nodded approvingly.

“Yeah. You aughtta get one. Also” Nathan punched him in the shoulder hard “You’re a dumbass and I hate your band” he walked off to help Pickles with a particularly PMS-y octopus that seemed to think Pickles’ head was its baby.

Slash’s jaw was practically on the floor”You’re a fucking douchebag and I hate your band even more!” he yelled.

Duff was walking around where the aquarium was, yelling “Tokiiiiiiii, Tokiiiiiiiii,” like he was trying to find a dog. Sam and Cat walked over to where Slash was standing. Sam had managed to talk Cat out of putting fish back in the ocean, saying there were just to damn many. “What’s wrong Slash?” Sam asked.

“That giant,” he said giant like it was the dirtiest word in the world, “said he hated Guns and that I was a dumbass!” He was sputtering with anger.

“He’s probably just taking his anger about Axl being a little asshole out on you,” Cat offered “People tend to do that.”

“And he punched me!” Slash whined.

“Quit your whining and let’s go find Axl. You can then take your anger out on him.”

Slash smiled a little. “That sounds pretty nice right now “WILLIAM ROSE” Slash yelled, cupping his hands over his mouth “PREPARE TO MOTHAFUCKIN DIE”

 “SAME GOES OUT TO YOU SKIWSGAAR” Nathan added somewhere off in the distance. But Axl, Skwisgaar, and Toki were nowhere to be found.

“This vacation thing seriously sucks” Pickles complained, seating himself on the edge of a fountain. Steven and Izzy joined on either side of him. Izzy offered him a cigarette and Steven offered him a beer. He took both and the gunners took out some of their own.

“There’s always that one diva” Izzy muttered.

“Gahd, Skwisgahr is such a prick” Pickles scowled.

“Axl is so much worse. He actually tried to kick me out of the band!” Steven exclaimed.

“Ouch, dood”

“And he also had sex with his girlfriend at the time and put the moans in a song,” Izzy added, puffing on his cig.

“Dood,” Pickles said. “That really sucks.”

“I didn’t even know!” Steven yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Sooo, what do you think happened to Skwisgaar and Axl?” Pickles asked, changing the subject once he saw how upset Steven was becoming.

“Who knows?” Izzy said. “Probably got eaten by a shark,” Steven contributed. “Just like Axl to go and do something like that,” Izzy sighed with a shake of his head “He was always doing stuff like this, ever since we were kids.”

“I give ya props for sticking around so long,” Pickles chuckled.

Izzy just sighed again. “He’s a douche, but I really hope he didn’t get eaten by a shark.”

“HEY GUYS” Sam called, waving her arms. She was standing next to an upside-down 1,000 gallon fishtank. Skwisgaar and Axl were sitting in it, close together, seemingly having a staring competition. “YOU FOUND THEM!” Slash exclaimed, running over. With the help of Duff and Nathan, they had the tank tipped over and off their bitchy divas.

“Where ams Toki?” Skwisgaar asked, scanning the group.

“He’ssh dead” Murdeface said.

“We don’t know for sure!” Cat interrupted.

Skwisgaar’s jaw fell open. “Tokis nots deads!”

“As Cat said, we don’t know” Duff said.

Slash helped Axl up “You alright?”

“NO I’M NOT A FUCKING AQUARIUM JUST EXPLODED ON ME” Axl screamed, drawing even more attention than the large ocean of dead fish and water did from tourists.

“He’s fine!” Slash announced. “He’s bitching about something, so he’s okay!” Axl responded with slap to the back of Slash’s head.

“I guess we better look for Toki,” Nathan said sheepishly. He turned to Axl. “I hope you know how much shit you might’ve caused,” he growled.

“It was him!” Axl said, pointing a finger at Skwisgaar.

“But you started the fight!” Nathan said.

“And I’ll fight you, too!” Axl snarled, looking up at Nathan.

“You really want to do that?” Nathan scoffed, looking down his nose at Axl. Nathan had at least four inches and a hundred pounds on Axl.

“Just calm down guys,” Cat said slowly, ever the peacemaker. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“I FOUND SOMETHING” Steven called from way off in the distance

“I LOOKS LIKE YOUR RYTHM GUITARIST” Izzy shouted, somewhere near Steven. Everyone rushed over, thankful for the break in the tension.

“TOKIS” Skiwsgaar bent over to pull Toki out of… whatever he was trapped under. “It’s useless” Pickles shook his head “that ____ is so heavy”.

“Lets all do it… TOGETHER!” someone cheered. So everyone gathered around and lifted the __ off. It was magical. But Toki was dead.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” everyone sobbed. But then a magical voice slowly floated down to them form the heavens.

“IS IT YOU, OH NATURE SPIRIT” it was Cat’s inner fangirl channeling its chakra through the avatar dimension.

“NO!” Duff shouted. “THE FANGIRL HAS TAKEN OVER.”

Cat had become super skinny, skimpily dressed, and even bigger boobed than she was before. “OH, NATURE SPIRIT,” Cat said, batting her superlong eyelashes. “Please bring this Toki back from the dead, because he needs to impregnate me so we can have magical guitar-playing half-Scandinavian sexy sexy babies.” Everyone was speechless, save for Sam, who was laughing her ass off. “Dearest Nature Spirit, please restore life to my favorite Scandinavian.” She stepped over to Toki and threw herself over his body, then ripped off her shirt to reveal bandages that were somehow keeping her huge boobs lifted.

“Does this happen a lot?” Pickles asked, totally freaked out by the spectacle taking place in front of them.

“Only in every fanfiction we ever wrote ever,” Sam replied, still laughing.

“YOU NEED TO HAVE ONE MORE PERSON HELP YOU” the voice demanded, suddenly sounding very angry

“WE HAVE TO HURRY!” Sam exclaimed “Cat won’t last much……” she winced as Cat turned to her.

“JOIN ME SAM, AND TOGETHER WE CAN BRING TOKI BACK TO LIFE” she held out her hand dramatically. Sam started sliding towards her. No one tried to help “NOOOOOO” Sam screamed, her body transforming from toes up.

Sam’s hair grew long and turned BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK TIMES INFINITY!!!!111!! Her eyes went from bluish gray to startlingly bright, totally unnatural blue. She was wearing a short skirt, fishnet tights and fishnet shirt, and a black tanktop underneath. She pumped her fist in the air.

“Okay Catteh-chan, let’s get ready to save a little Tokis!” The two high-fived while Duff faceplamed and everyone else looked on horrified.

“WHATS GOINKS ON?” Skiwsgaar yelled.

“I think dey jus turned inta hookers” Pickles stroked his chin.

“No, they’re just Mary-Sues now” Izzy explained lazily and horrified at the same time.

“Merry Stews?” Skwisgaar cocked his head.

“No, dude. MARY SUES” Duff over pronounced.

“Teenie-bopper whores with attitude” Slash added.

“Oh, I sees” Skwisgaar nodded. “Dude this is fucked up right here” Nathan muttered.

“It’s normal for us at this point, but it still sucks” Steven shrugged. The girls were still sobbing over Toki’s body. “NATURE SPIRIT,” gasped Sam between sobs. “I NEED TO HAVE TOKI’S BABIES, TOO. YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.” She continued wailing.

“That ams… pretty fucks up,” Skwisgaar mused.

“Tell us about it,” replied Izzy.

“YOU HAVE MADE A CONVINCING POINT,” boomed the nature spirit. “I CAN SEE THAT THE FRUIT OF THIS MAN’S LOINS IS OBVIOUSLY NEEDED IN THIS WORLD. I SHALL RESTORE HIM TO WHAT HE WAS.”

There was a magical noise, and then Toki blinked open his eyes lazy and yawned. “Whats… whats happeneds?” he muttered.

“OH, TOKI,” cried the girls, throwing their arms around his neck. “YOU’RE ALIVE.”

“I ams beink dead before?” Toki cocked his head innocently. “The last things I ams rememberinks was a bunch of water exploding everywhere and everything going black… I needs a drink.”

“Here ya go” Slash, Duff, Steven, and Pickles all produced choices. Toki chose all four.

“Dis ams so weird” he muttered, taking a swig of Slash’s Jack.

“Tokis, you ams live!” Skwisgaar exclaimed, hugging Toki and a bromanitc display of fluffy goodness. “I ams,” Toki replied with a nod.

Cat and Sam, who were still feeling the high of their Mary-Sue moment, were practically bouncing off the walls at this display. “AHMG WILL YOU CAN KISS NOW?” garbled Sam. “YES. YES PLZ DO,” Cat added giddily.

“What ams with you?” Skwisgaar asked, sounding extremely annoyed.

“YOU LUV EACHOTHER, NOW KISS,” commanded Cat. She went up behind them and tried to smush their heads together so their mouths touched, but ended up getting them so their cheeks were squished up against each other.

“How the FUCK do you get them back to normal?” Nathan asked, eyebrows raised high.

“Ash if they weren’t annoying enough already,” Murderface piped.

“HURRIES I nots wants Herpes from Skiwsgaar” Toki swatted at Cat. Sam growled and jumped up to help Cat until their cheekbones were in danger of breaking.

“Dude this is so fucking weird” Nathan muttered “I need a vacation from our vacation”.

“How about… y’know, IRELAND?” Pickles yelled.

“I concur!” Axl piped up after being unnaturally quiet for an unnatural amount of time.

“Can we please just goooo?” Pickles whined at Nathan. “Yeah, Slash. Can we just goooo?” Axl joined it. Soon the redheads were going “Please Nathan Please Slash please please pllllllllleassssse?!” over and over again.

“FINE” Slash and Nathan both shouted, earning two satisfied smirks as Axl and Pickles shared an EPICWIN high-five.

“Girls,” Slash said with a snap. The two sues instantly looked in his direction expectantly. “We’re going. C’mon.”

“NOT UNTIL THEY KISSSSSSS,” whined Sam.

“I feels like I ams getting gonorhea from Skwisgaar!” Toki yelled.

“YEAH,” said Cat in agreement. “WE’LL HUNGERSTRIKE.”

“Gawd, you’s voices ams like nails on de chalksboards,” Skwisgaar moaned.

“Good luck with that,” said Slash with a wave, turning in the other direction.

“We’re not falling for that,” Nathan added, turning in the same direction as Slash.

“FOMG WAIT,” yelled Sam. “WE NEED FOOD TO SUSTAIN OURSELVES. WE’LL GO.”

“GOOD. Now get your ass in the Dethcopter, you preteen hormone bombs” Nathan growled “We have places to be or my drummer is going to throttle me”.

“OMG THROTTLE” Sam chortled sexily. “YOU CAN DO THAT IN BED” Cat hissed goffikly. “S AND EMMMM” Sam sang brutally.

“OMG PLEASE STOP TALKING” Axl screeched, slapping his hands over his ears with a chortle of sexiness.

“OMG YEW GAIZ IT’S RUBBING OFF” Slash squeaked mightily.

“LOL RUB OFF” Sam cackled. Cat snickered goofniklay “more like RUB OUT LOL”

“Will you guys quit?!” Izzy snapped.

“I think it’s pretty funny, actually,” Steven laughed.

“Yes, that’s because you are always horny,” Izzy returned.

“OOH BBY,” Sam said with a smirk.

“Don’t even think about it, Steve,” warned Slash. Steve’s face fell slightly.

The girls were merrily and goofnikallysasdfsad skipping along to the Dethcopter, whistling merrily and making poor, early teenage innuendos about everything. The guys looked like they wanted to shoot themselves. Finally, finally, finally they got to the Dethcopter. The girls were acting like puppies on a sugar rush, still.

“Toki, I’m going to kill you again for offhandedly bringing this on,” Nathan growled menacingly.

“Whats did I do?” Toki moaned.

“LOOK IRELAND” Pickle shouted, interrupting the conversation.

“That was unnaturally fast” Slash muttered.

“GAHHHH LOOK I SEE KILTS” Axl lied. They were still like wayyyy high up.

“I can’t wait to eat me some bland, nasty Irish food!” Duff grinned sarcastically.

“Mmmmm whiskey” Slash sighed, leaning heavily on the window.

“Mmmmmmh kilts” Axl jumped up and down, wanting to land so he could buy himself a kilt.

“You have enough kilts” Steven snapped.

“I ONLY HAVE ONE” Axl screamed.

“AND THAT’S ENOUGH” Steven yelled back. They began to wrestle on the floor.

“NO UR WITH SLASH” Cat screamed dramatically.

“AXL, SCREWING STEVIE ON THE FLOOR WON’T FIX THINGS BETWEEN YOU TWO” Sam added. They got up and separated themselves immediately after Sam said that.

“ON SECOND THOUGHT,” shrieked Cat like a banshee, “KEEP GOING AT IT. IT’S SO SEXY LOLOL.”

“Are you in heat or what?” Nathan yelled. She whimpered a little before saying, “No.”

“We need to fix this,” Izzy said, gesturing with his hands toward the two girls, who were now trying to get Axl and Slash to make out. “It’s just not right.” The girls hissed at this.

“What could we do to get them back to normal?” though Duff aloud. He said “Aha!” and a little lightbulb dinged over his head. “Anyone have a copy of Appetite for Destruction?”

“ALWAYS” Axl shouted, pulling out a full-sized original record of AFD. The girls’ attention was immediately on the record. Axl demanded a record player and one was rushed in immediately. He played it and the girl’s bodies slowly changed back. They were left in their clothes, Sam’s way baggy and way tight in different places. Cat shielded her chest and sighed “We did it again”.

“I wonder if that’s what a trip is like” Sam shook her head in disgust.

“Can we have some new clothes?” Cat whimpered. A klokateer brought them each a pair of jeans, a hoodie, and a t-shirt. They were left shoeless however, something about “the yard wolves ate them all”. So they landed, of course, everyone a lot more comfortable and less sue-ish. They were in… “SCOTLAND?!” Axl shrieked, tearing off his shirt just for something to destroy. Just for the kicks, he tore of Slash’s as well.

“Fuck you, man” Slash held out his hand as a klokateer brought him a new one.

“No!” hissed Axl, “FUCK YOU!” He pointed a finger at the guy who was driving the Dethcopter. “HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DIRECTION? CAN YOU NOT DO FUCKING ANYTHING RIGHT?” He marched right up to the pilot and tore off his mask.

Everyone behind was watching intently, and Dethklok, save for Toki, winced as they heard “KAKAKA YAY-UH, BAYBAY~!” It was Rockzo.

“How the FUCK did he become a klokateer?” seethed Nathan, suddenly just as angry as Axl was.

“Bein a tattoo artist wasn’t working out to well for me, baybay,” explained Rockzo.

“Then you should’ve gone back to being a party clown who does cocaine!” added Pickles. “Back off, jack off,” Rockzo snarled.

“Maybe we should take care of this ass-hole once and for all” Nathan cracked his knuckles.

“NOES, he ams my friend!” Toki shielded Rockzo from Nathan. Nathan punched Toki anyway.

“Get out of the way, Toki” he warned. Toki shook his head. Skwisgaar grabbed him and yanked him out of the way. Suddenly Charles was there.

“DUDE what are ya, a ninja?” Pickles gasped, holding his heavily rising and falling chest. Charles was apathetic.

“Gentlemen, and young ladies, I will take care of this” two klokateers grabbed Rockzo. Cat, Sam, and Toki all looked warily at Charlie.

“Please donts hurts him” Toki begged “He ams mis-underk-stoods, dat ams all!.” Charles promised that Rockzo wouldn’t be hurt and he was drug away.

“Well we might as well get some scotch while we’re here” Pickles sighed, rubbing his neck.

“Hell yes, I need a good strong one” Duff agreed.

Axl was still seething. “BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM FOR MESSING UP MY TATTOO!” he yelled in the direction Charles went. Toki was up in Axl’s face and pouting in no times.” Didn’ts you hears me? He’s mis-underk-stoods,” Toki whined.

“Does it look like I care?” Axl growled.

“Guys, let’s calm down and get a drink. I’m sure that’ll make everyone happy.” Duff pushed Axl and Toki apart, and the group left the Dethcopter. They walked for a few minutes before they found a pub. “This place is as good as any,” Pickles said, looking up at the sign. They walked in, and no one was asked for an ID.

“Scotland’s looking pretty good to me at this point,” said Sam with grin. “Indeed,” agreed Cat.

“Now let’s get some scotch!” yelled Pickles as they sat down at the bar.

“FUCK SCOTCH” Axl shouted, crossing his arms. Slash rolled his eyes and shoved the top of a beer bottle in Axl’s mouth. “Drink up, Axl. You’re way more fun drunk”.

Sam snorted her drink up into her lungs laughing and laughed even harder. Cat caught on to the joke and fell off her stool. Slash was left with an embarrassed and pissed Axl.

Duff and Pickles were racing through scotch after scotch until both of them were a mess. “DOOD, yur laihke… ahhhsome!” Pickles grinned.

“BESTEST PALS FEREVER” Duff “woo”ed.

“Don’t get alcohol poisoning, boy-ohs,” Izzy warned, a cigarette between his fingers.

“And don’t get lung cancer, ya chain smoker,” returned Duff.

“I have my poison picked,” Izzy shrugged.

“I’m ready to get fucking sloppy,” Nathan exclaimed, pounding his fist against the top of the bar and sending several of Duff’s and Pickle’s empty shot glasses rattling over. The bartender placed a bottle of brandy in front of him.

“Hey,” Slash said to Cat and Sam, nudging Cat with his foot. She was still cackling on the floor. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Surrre ya didn’t,” Sam said with a wide grin.

“They’re probably just still a little off from the whole mary-sue experience,” Stevie offered. Axl had his arms crossed and was oddly silent.

“Don’t be a HAHA downer Axl— HAHAAA” Cat giggled. “We’re sorryyyyy heeeeheee” Sam added.

Axl blushed deeper red. “You guys are asses” he hissed. “Don’t be like that” Slash muttered, taking a gulp out of his drink.

“WELL I’m SOOOO sorry!” Axl snapped “I don’t like being made fun of by CHILDREN” he sneered at Cat and Sam, who had gone from cackling to a sparse giggling.

“We can’t help our dirty teenage girl minds” Sam defended their fangirly honor.

“This is too much” Slash sighed, opening another bottle and chugging it.

“YOU AND YOUR BOOZE” Axl yelled, not unlike Maria from All My Children. “YOU’RE MARRIED TO YOUR GUITAR AND YOU HAVE WOMEN OVER EVERY DAY”.

“And welcome to this episode of “Who Givesh a Pish” Murderface made an appearance for comedic effect. Suddenly a real camera crew was there.

Slash took off his sunglasses and shoved his hair out of his eyes. “What the FUCK is going on,” he said, observing the camera crew, complete with sound man, who had just popped into the pub.

“It’sh for my new TV show,” Murderface explained.

“Because you ams given up on Planet Piss?” Skwisgaar coughed.

Murderface glared at him before saying ,”NO! Thish is only to exshpand my brand.”

“What brand?” Nathan asked.

Murderface scowled deeper. “Who Givesh a Pish is about people arguing about shit that no one should give a pish about. Then we air the argument, take a vote, and find out who givesh a pish.” There was a clapping sound effect.

“What’s that?” Axl asked.

“Live studio audiensche,” replied Murderface. “Keep arguing, we’re gonna see who givesh a pish.”

“So many title drops, dude,” Stevie said, shaking his head and sounding critical.

“PISS OFF IM HAVING RE-LATION-SHIP ISSUES” Axl howled, suddenly very OOC and very in character at the same time. He tossed an empty bottle at the camera and it exploded, killing the klokateer wielding it. Toki began to ring his dethbell. The rest of the crew was swept out of the room.

“Whatever, we can jusht doctor the footage later” Murderface grumbled, his ten sentences of fame over.

“YAY RELATIONSHIPS” Toki did a random prancy thing, but was swatted down mid-prance by Skwisgaar.

“Relations-hips ams not metals, Toki” he chided. Toki nodded sullenly “Okies Skwisgaar”.

“I NEED A STRIPPER” Axl sobbed. A pole was brought to him, along with a pair of pink chaps.

“Where’s the stripper?” Axl asked.

“You are, guest of my lords,” replied the klokateer who provided the stripper pole.

“IF YOU THINK THERE IS ANY CHANCE IN HELL-” Axl roared.

“It’s not that different than those black chaps you used to wear on stage,” Duff pointed out.

“PISS OFF MCKAGAN I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T.” Cat snorted at this and fell over in another fit of laughter.

“I think everyone is just really drunk and very tired,” Izzy said, stepping in as Guns N’ Roses’ band daddy. “Let’s get these guys some coffee.”

“I think you should put on the chaps, Axl,” Sam chortled.

“SHUT UP, SAM,” he yelled.

“Someone needs a naaaap~” sang Slash. Axl growled wordlessly and Slash snickered.

“He’s on the verge of a total hissy fit,” Pickles whispered to Nathan.

“He acts like a PMS-y teenager,” replied Nathan, also in a gravely whisper.

“I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU” Axl stamped his foot “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME” he sobbed, sitting down on the floor. Slash bent down and patted his back “That’s not true. I understand you”.

“REALLY?” Axl looked up hopefully. Slash snorted “No chance in hell, baby. The day I understand you is the day hell freezes over and the Kardashians vacation down there”. Axl slapped Slash’s arm violently “FUCK YOU AND DON’T CALL ME ‘BABY’ YOU ASS”.

Cat and Sam were growing more and more sleepy “CAN WE GET A HOTEEEEEL” they whined. “I’ll calls Charles,” Skwisgaar sighed, pulling out his dethphone. He was quite unimpressed with the women at the pub and was very bored, not having his explorer with him. The phone rang and the other line pickled up.

“Hello?” Charles deadpanned.

“Charles,” Skwisgaar said, “gets us a hotels, please. The goils are very whiny and the singer and guitarist from the others bands are acting like the olds marryinks couple.”

“I’ll arrange for something,” Charles returned, then hung up.

“We shoulds have the hotels momenk-tarlies,” Skwisgaar said, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. “Thank youuuuuuuuu,” the girls replied.

Axl and Slash were still bitching at each other a few stools away, trying to get Izzy, Duff, and Stevie to pick sides. “I’m gonna be totally neutral, bro,” Izzy told to Axl.

“THEN WE AREN’T FRIENDS ANYMORE,” Axl cried. Izzy shrugged. “JEEEEEEFF” Axl whined “Don’t you careee?”

“DON’T FUCKING CALL ME THAT” Izzy snapped uncharacteristically. “THEN PICK MY SIDE” Axl snapped right back. Izzy groaned, running a hand over his face “Fine, fine. Slash, I’m picking Axl’s side. I beg insanity”.

“Fair enough” Slash muttered, tight-lipped “STEVEN. You and I have been BESTEST FRANZ forever, so pick my side. Plus he slept with your girlfriend… coughRECENTLYcough” Slash grinned as Steven stepped over to him, glaring at Axl. Duff was standing there awkwardly. “Dufffff” Axl whined. “Duff…” Slash’s tone was warning. “I think you two should just kiss and make up” Duff scoffed. “Not literally, of course” Slash corrected. Duff shrugged with a giggle.

“OMG DUFF” Axl slapped him. “Sorry dude” Duff snickered. “I’m gonna have to go with Slash,” Duff said finally.

“BUT WHYYYYYYYY,” Axl moaned, shoulders slumping. He looked pathetic. “Because you act like too much of a whiny prick a lot of the time, and you’re usually the reason these fights start,” he explained.

“Ohohoho,” Steven said. “You tell him, Duff.” Axl was sputtering wordlessly.

“Will we ever get a hotel?” moaned Pickles, sliding his face along the surface of the bar table thing. “Charles ams busy man,” Skwisgaar told him.

“I hope it gets here soon, because that jackoff is gonna make me lose my mind,” Nathan said in reference to Axl. “He is pretty annoying,” concurred Pickles.

Charles walked into the pub. “There’s a limousine waiting outside to take you to a hotel,” he said before walking right back out again. “WOOOO” Sam and Cat sprinted out.

Everyone save Axl and Slash walked out. “COME ON YOU GUYS” Duff yelled. Axl and Slash glared at each other for a moment longer before turning on their heels and walking out. The limo took them to the biggest hotel in the area. They split off into pairs for rooms. Duff and Stevie, Axl and Slash, Cat and Sam, Pickles and Nathan, Skiwgsaar and Toki, and Murderface and Izzy. Izzy didn’t want to share a room with MF so he decided to share with Sam and Cat instead, the drama of they day had him sacked out in a matter of minutes anyway.

“Poor Izzy,” Cat sighed, looking down at him passed out on the bed. “I don’t see how he’s still alive after dealing with Axl for all these years. Or at least without a head full of gray hair.”

“They need some more marriage counseling, me thinks,” Sam said. “I concur,” replied Cat with a nod. The girls walked off to Axl’s and Slash’s room. They knocked and waited a few moments before Slash let them in. His hair was uneven, with one side being longer than the other.

“Axl attacked me with a pair of safety scissors,” he sighed. “What do you want?”

“You need marriage counseling,” Sam said. “Yeah, Skwisgaar and Toki are getting along better than you two.” Cat added.

Slash sighed. “You can try, but Axl is acting like he’s three and refusing to talk to anyone.” The girls walked into the room to find Axl sitting on one of the beds, arms crossed, facing the wall.

“Axl” Cat said softly. She ducked immediately, a beer bottle thrown at her face. “AHHHHCK” she screamed, running off. Sam was left to cower by herself. “AXL BE NICE” she yelled before following Cat.

Slash rolled his eyes “Okay Axl… Caaaalm down” he muttered, closing the door.

“OMG THAT WAS SO SCARY” Cat screamed, sitting down on the bed next to sleeping Izzy. Sam huffed in agreement, shutting their door. “We can recheck on them in the morning, Axl’s too dangerous”. “If that helps us sleep at night” Cat agreed. So they did.

“Axl, Slash?” Cat rapped on the door that morning, two cups of coffee and two plates of breakfast on a tray in her hands.

Slash opened the door slowly. He looked like hell, but pleased with himself all the same. His hair was a disaster, but it appeared to have been evened out.

“Where’s Axl?” Sam peered around the door. Slash blocked the view “Sleeping” he examined his nails. Sam and Cat cocked an eyebrow.

“We brought you guys breakfast” Cat handed him the tray “So we can discuss your counseling” she grinned.

“No longer needed” Slash shrugged.

Sam and Cat exchanged glances again. “Excuse me?” Sam cocked an eyebrow “Did you just say you’re getting alo-” the door was shut in her face.

“Holy Muffins” Cat gasped.

“Bizzareeee” Sam nodded.

“Well Axl’s either dead and he was blocking the mess… or….” Cat gasped.

“OMG NO WAI” Duff gasped as the told the other gunners what had happened. “Weird” Izzy agreed.

“They Slaxl fangirls are having a ball right now speculating what’s going on,” laughed Sam. “You know it,” Cat said in return. “Maybe one of you should go talk to them,” Sam said to the Gunners. “Maybe they’ll feel comfortable talking to another dude about how they… uh… sorted out their differences.”

“It’s worth a shot,” sighed Izzy. “I should probably go in there first. Axl feels comfortable talking to me.”

“Good luck, Izzy!” sang Cat.

Izzy stumbled the short distance down the hallway, having just woken up. He gave a gentle knock on Slash’s and Axl’s door and it opened a crack. All Izzy could see was Slash’s eye. “What’s up,” Izzy said coolly.

Slash raised his eyebrow. “Nothing… you’re not prying for Cat and Sam, are you?” he asked hesitantly.

Izzy, king of cool, said, “No, man, just checking to see how Axl is. He was pretty weird last night.” Izzy could tell that Slash didn’t quite know what his ‘motives’ were, but he let him in, anyway. Axl was sitting on the edge of the bed, having just woken up.

“Oh hey Izzy” he legit smiled.

Izzy balked “…Excuse me?” he asked incredulously.

“I said good morning, Izzy” Axl repeated, his voice staying calm and cool. He stretched and gave a huge yawn.

Izzy looked from Slash to Axl “uh… Good morning Axl” he replied. Axl smiled, waiting for Izzy to state why he was there. “So… your fight is over I see” Izzy cleared his throat.

Slash nodded “Yep, we’re on pretty even ground” he smiled. Axl rolled his eyes “Slash was right and I was wrong of course”.

Izzy choked “WHAT?!” he screeched.

“I said-” Axl began.

“I HEARD YOU” Izzy shouted, trying to calm himself down “Okay… so… What the hell is going on?!” he blurted. Slash scratched his head and Axl cocked his.

“I mean… only one of the beds is made and uhhh” Izzy stuttered lamely “Anyway bye” he mumbled, bolting

The little group of the girls and the other two gunners was standing where they were when Izzy left. “That… was really weird,” he said as he approached them.

“What happened?” Steve asked.

“Axl said he was WRONG,” Izzy gasped. His jaw was practically on the floor.

“Woah, dude,” Duff said, looking pretty taken aback.

“And it was WEIRD,” he continued. “Axl was all happy and smiley and lalala instead of being grr, I’m Axl fuckin Rose, like he normally is. And only one of the beds was made.” The girls’ jaws dropped. “I know,” Izzy went on, “I don’t know if it’s just me being a perv or what, but my mind keeps wandering to one possible reason that everything is all hunky dory between them.”

“NO,” Duff exclaimed. “I mean, you don’t really think they… uh…”

Izzy nodded once. “That’s sorta what I’m thinking, bro.”

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude” Steven whistled. They heard Axl and Slash’s door open and shut as they exited their room. The rest of Guns and the girls all hid in Sam, Cat, and Izzy’s room until they passed. They heard laughing.

“Hoooooly shiiit” Sam gasped.

“But we don’t KNOW-” Duff tried desperately.

“Then go ASK them” Steven pushed Duff out the door.

“But-but-buuut” Duff stuttered lamely.

“GOOOOOOO” Izzy hissed, looking miserable.

“Fine” Duff held up his hands defensively “FINE. I’ll GO” he shouted.

“But don’t be insensitive!” Cat called.

“I won’t!” Duff called back. Axl and Slash were still conversing in a friendly manner when Duff caught up them. “Hey, Duff,” Axl said personably with a wave.

“Hey, dude,” Duff replied, giving a ‘hello’ nod to Slash, who returned the notion. “You guys seem to be in a good mood this morning,” Duff began awkwardly.

“Yup,” Axl said, still smiling.

“You’re like, really freaking me out, man,” Duff said. “You’re so… happy.”

“When you’re not arguing with your best friend, you are happy, yeah,” Axl returned.

Duff was freaking out. HowdoIsaythishowdoIsaythishowdoIsaythis, he was thinking. “Anyway, the guys and me were wondering how you smoothed over your fight,” he said.

Slash raised an eyebrow. “Why do you guys wanna know?” he said, tiptoeing around the question.

“Uhh… For future reference!” Duff had a lightbulb pop over his head “Those Scandinavian guys are in it real bad this morning and Cat and Sam really need to know how to smooth that one over” he replied coolly.

Slash seemed satisfied, but Axl was suddenly icy “Why don’t they come ask us themselves?” he narrowed his eyes, looking more like normal Axl. Duff bit his lip, but then remembered that he was a genius “They tried, but you shut the door in their faces” he crossed his arms. Slash and Axl’s faces paled a little. “Oh” Slash muttered “Uh…okay then” he cleared his throat.

Axl began to seethe “What’s it to you anyway? Those Scandinavian DICKWEEDS can go FUCK THEMSELVES” Axl huffed.

Slash put a hand on his shoulder. Duff grimaced as Axl calmed down a little.

“Dear God” he shook his head “you two are so DEFENSIVE” he snapped. They started bickering back and forth.

“JEEZ OKAY” Slash held his hands up “If you keep going on like this I’m gonna have to calm Axl down again” he leaned against the wall.

“I wouldn’t mind that” Axl snorted like there was an inside joke. Duff’s jaw wanted to drop very badly.

“Anyways, just go away” Slash grumbled “you’re making things worse”

He ran back to the girls’ and Izzy’s room. “Woah,” was all he said when he walked in. “They were, like, flirting with each other.”

“No wai,” Sam said.

“Yes way,” Duff replied. “They started bickering and Slash was all ‘I’m gonna have to calm you down Axl’ and he leaned against a wall, all seductive-like, and then Axl was like ‘I wouldn’t mind that.’”

Stevie, who was usually pretty crude first thing in the morning, said, “They’re totally doing each other” then snorted.

“Looks like you’re gonna have to ask them yourselves, girls,” Duff said.

“We tried!” stammered Cat.

“That’s what Slash said to do,” Duff replied, shrugging. “I’m just glad my job is done.”

Cat and Sam looked at each other, and then Cat said, “We must be strong.” They both took deep breaths and went on; trying to solve the mystery of what Axl and Slash did last night.

“Slash, Axl” Cat and Sam peeked around the corner. They were sitting in an armchair. Just one. Sam cleared her throat and Axl shot off the chair like he’d be electrocuted.

“OHAI” he breathed “I didn’t see you there”.

Sam and cat nodded slowly. “So Duff said we had to ask you how you solved your little squabble” Sam started.

Slash twisted his mouth a little “We reached a mutual understanding” he equivocated.

“How?” Cat piped.

“Well we just… like… found common ground” Slash raised his eyebrows.

“I give up” Sam shook her head.

“Agreed” Cat sighed loftily “How ever you two solved you problems is your business”.

Slash and Axl shared a creepily sweet smile “Thank you” Slash nodded in appreciation Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be going back to our room” The two groups went their separate ways amicably.

“They came to a ‘mutual understanding,’” Sam announced when they got back.

“Works for me,” Izzy said. “I’m hungry, let’s go down and get breakfast.”

The gunners minus Slash and Axl and the girls walked down to the first floor of the hotel, where the continental breakfast buffet was. Dethklok was already down there eating, save for Pickles, who the girls presumed was nursing a hangover after all those shots. Everyone was still in their pajamas with their hair looking like rats nests.

“Hello,” Sam said with a wave. She got no response. “Heeellllooo,” she said again, this time way exaggerating her wave.

“They ams not used to being up this earlys,” Toki explained.

“But, it’s like 9:30,” Cat said.

“Exactly,” Toki replied with a nod.

“We’re soooo hungsing over” Skwisgaar moaned, leaning his head on the table and downing three motrin over the recommended dose.

“I didn’t know that rockstars got hangovers,” whistled Cat. “I though high alcohol tolerance prevented that.”

“You’s dead wrong,” moaned Skwisgaar.

“Hair of the dog that bit you, man,” Duff said. “Start the day with a drink and everything’s a-okay.”

Skwisgaar shook the bottle of motrin in Duff’s general direction. “It says “Do nots be takinks with alcohals,” he said.

“Screw the rules,” Duff said nonchelantly.

“But you cans die!” Toki cried.

“I never said I was going to actually take any motrin.” Duff rolled his eyes. Toki pulled the girls away from the group and shoved them into the line to get breakfast. “Before it all be runninks out,” he said.

“Thanks I guess” Sam replied, still off from the morning’s already drama-filled-ness…. or lack of drama…. which just created more.

“Nomnommmm pancakes” Cat garbbed some. Sam settled for a cappuchino and a croisant.

“So are we going to leave to Ireland this morning?” Steven asked, sitting down next to Nathan and Toki. They both shrugged.

“Yes. Please go wake your drummer Nathan” Charles ninja-d his way into the group silently yet again.

“We gots a new pilots?” Skwisgaar asked, slowly turning his head to look at Charlie.

Charles nodded “Yes, Skwisgaar, we did. He’s a five-star general in the airforce”.

“Fantastic” Duff grinned. Nathan came back downstairs with pickles. Someone had to go get Axl and Slash…. which turned out to be pretty uneventful. Soon they were on their way, Scotand forgotten. But of course, they didn’t end up in Ireland. Because that would be silly.

“Oh look, it’s Venice” Axl smiled.

“Lets go on a boat ride <3<3” Slash drug him off.

“WHAT THE HELL?” Nathan bellowed.

“Italy ams so romantic!” Toki sighed. “Maybe I be findinks goils to kiss and falls in love with!”

“He’s too adorable,” chuckled Cat.

“Are we never going to get ta Ireland?” moaned Pickles, who was very hungover and irratable. “Apparently not,” Nathan grumbled. “We’re also never going to find a pilot who has any sense of direction.”

“Let’s go eat sagpetties, Skwisgaar,” Toki urged.

“Sapgetties is… not dildos, acutallys,” Skwisgaar said.

“Maybe yous find Italian GMILFS,” Toki continued.

“That soundinks really nice,” Skwisgaar replied dreamily.

“I’m gonna go tell people I’m related to a guy who makes fancy cars,” Cat proclaimed.

“I wonder how people will react to that,” Sam said nonchelantly.

“I think I’m gonna find a hotel and sleep,” Izzy sighed.

So Izzy went off to find a hotel. Not much was left to do for the gunners and Dethklok (what remained of them), only Steven and Duff were left without anything to do.

“I’m really fucking bored,” Steven moaned. “Hmmmm,” Duff said, “maybe we could go around picking up on random women. That’s always fun”

“That is fun, but I’m not in the moood today” Steven grumbled. “Well we need extra cash” Duff shrugged “We could go do something to get some cash” They began wandering the streets of Venice, looking for an easy way to earn quick cash. They found a strip club having amature night.

“Again, duff?!” Steven whined. “Yessss” Duff rubbed his hands together “Pay attention and you may just get some pointers from me.

“This is sort of gay,” Steven moaned as Duff pushed open the door. “It’s fun!” Duff yelled over the thumping bass of the dance music pumping through the speakers. “Gayyyyyy. Gayyyy gayyy gayyy” Steven argued, sticking out his tongue, earning an eyeroll from Duff.

“C’mon, don’t be insensitive to the gays. We have some friends that are gay” Duff chastized. “We don’t know that for sure,” Steven argued, signing Duff’s and his name on the amature night sign in sheet.

“And next on the pole,” called the announcer dude, “Duff McKagan!” The place went wild at mention of Duff’s name.

“OMG ITS REALLY HIM” screamed a few girls. Duff positioned himself on the pole and began to spin around it wildly, his hair flying everywhere. A girl stuck a hundred dollars worth of Italian money in Duff’s pants. “That doesn’t look all that bad,” mused Steven.

“TRY IT” Duff panted, twirling himself upsidedown Steven hesitantly lined up behind Duff, looking around nervously at the girls

“But I’m so hairy” he whined girlishly. “They don’t care!” Duff exclaimed. “Show some pride!” Steven ripped off his shirt and jumped on a pole.

The girls went crazy, some even threw their underwear at them. Steven was grinning like a madman before ALL OF DETHKLOK AND GNR WALKED IN!!!1123oneelevensixteeeeen.

“What ams he doink?” Toki asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Stripping,” said Skwisgaar. “Looks sort of fun, actuallys. Where cans I sign up?”

“I think over there” Pickles pointed “I may join ya” he wandered over with Skiwgsaar.

“C’mon, I wanna try it! Izzy declared, oddly energetic.

“Right here!” the owner of the club said, waving the sign up sheet in their direction. Everyone put their names down. “Jump on a pole, gentlemen,” the owner said, gesturing to the floor. Everyone did. In their epic display of bromance, Slash and Axl shared a pole.

END ACT 2

“Oh fucks” Skwisgaar gasped “dat ams my moms”.

“Your mom ish shooooo nishe” Murderface sighed.

“That lady’s tits look like they’re gonna fall off” Axl twitched. Skwisgaar looked like he was gonna cry.

“It’s okay, Skwisgaar” Cat patted his back “Everyone thinks their mom is super embarrassing”.

“My moms is da most promiscs-you-ous woman in all of Swedens!” he exclaimed.

“At least she didn’t make you carry boxes of fish up a hill,” muttered Toki, sounding slightly sad.

“Skwisgaar, why ams you here? And who ams these people?” Serveta asked, looking over the group. Skwisgaar was slumping his shoulders angrily and pouting. “Dis ams my band, moms. Ands some girls from a concert. And another band.”

“Where ams your manners, you should invite them home!” Skwisgaar glared at his mom, lip curling up in an angry sneer. “I don’ts live with you anymore, Moms.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think we’ve found someone with bigger parent issues than Axl ,” Izzy said.

“Maybe so” Cat agreed, shrugging “Maybe not”. So they were all introduced to Serveta one by one, Skwisgaar growing antsier by the second. “Okays mom we can visitsing the houses now” he ushered her along.

“So why ams you visit after alls dem years?” Servetta asked her son.

“I don’t knows” Skwisgaar sighed.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs….” Steven was right up next to Murderface.

“Ms. Ms. Skwigelf” Servetta corrected.

“Oh, I’m sorry. MS Skwigelf…” Steven grinned. “You have huge-” Sam elbowed him. They were coming up on the house “…tracks of land” Steven corrected himself.

“This lands ams been in the Skwigelf family for hundreds of years,” she explained.

“I see,” Steven said, a huge shit-eating grin on his face. His eyes were fixated on her chest. Murderface elbowed him, harder than Sam had. “Watchs it blondie, she’sh mine!” he growled. Serveta seemed to be enjoying the fact that two men were fighting over her.

Skwisgaar’s face was bright red and his hands were covering his face. “Quit fighting over his mom, you horndogs!” Izzy said.

“I don’t minds the attention,” Serveta said, smirking at Izzy, who was unfazed.

They arrived at the Skwigelf house soon enough, and Serveta told Skwisgaar to show his friends to his room. “I ams not ten anymore, moms!” Skwisgaar snapped. “I knows what I ams fucking doingks!”

“Ja. Ands your room has nots changed since you was tens” Servetta snapped back. Skwisgaar’s mouth shut instantly and he scowled. So he had to squeeze two bands and two girls into his tiny bedroom. It looked a lot like Toki’s current one, but cleaner.

“Nice” Sam said, climbing on the bed to make room. Cat followed suit. They just kinda stood there, waiting to be told to do something.

“Dis… ams awkward,” Toki said finally.

“Ja, just wait until she brings home two mens and fucks dem on the couch in front of everyones!” Skwisgaar yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.

“We can leave Sweden soon, ya know,” Pickles reminding him, prompting a “NO!” from Steven and Murderface. “Or, ya know, just stay in a hotel or sometin.”

“This is too entertaining,” Axl said with a laugh.

“Let’s see who’d be laughing if you got dropped in your house in Indiana,” Izzy said cooly, lighting a cigarette.

“Gives me those,” Skwisgaar said, grabbing the pack out of Izzy hand and sticking three in his mouth. “I hates my fucking mom,” he moaned. Toki patted his back sympathetically.

“Izzy… you’re an asshole” Axl muttered, also in a bad mood suddenly. “Glad I could help” Izzy muttered back.

“SKWISGAAR, I MAKES FOOD, JA?” his mom called.

“JA, MAKESINK FOOD. WES NOT WANTS TO STARVE” he yelled back, causing everyone to clamp their hands over their ears.

“We need to find a hotel” Duff demanded “We can use this to pay for it!” he started pulling the cash out of his pants. Everyone’s hands switched from their ears to their eyes.

“DUFF I DO NOT WANA SEE YOUR DICK” Axl shouted.

“You only wana see-” Sam cut off Steven’s snide comment with a smack.

“I have underwear on, chill” Duff rolled his eyes.

“I’m starting to think you have to have a tragic life to be a rock star” Cat sighed heavily.

“Shinedown had a great life as far as I know” Sam said.

“Oh” Cat replied “Then to be as good as GNR”

“That may be true”.

“Tragedy equals better songwriting, period,” Nathan said.

“That’s why my songs are so amazing,” Axl said, placing a hand on his chest.

“Fuckin egomaniac,” muttered Slash.

“Does yer mahm keep vodka in the house?” Pickles asked.

“Probablys, ja,” Skwisgaar said. He was sitting at the foot of the bed, busily playing away on his explorer.

“I’ll go get it, den. Maybe that’ll cheer ya up.” Skwisgaar pffted and continued playing.

Pickles walked in the room about five minutes later. His top combed-over dreadlock was hanging in his face. “Yer mom just tried to make out with me,” he sputtered.

“Dude!” Skwisgaar cried, and then started sobbing “MY LIFE SUCKSES” he cried. Pickles sat down slowly.

“We need to get outta here. Let’s go visit Axl’s parents” Slash elbowed Axl teasingly, but got smacked instead of smiled at.

“NO. I FUCKING HATE INDIANA,” he yelled. “Jeez dude, I was just kidding,” Slash said, shrugging. “Not funny,” Axl pouted.

“Let’s just eat and then we can go to Ireland,” Steven suggested.

“The only reason you wants to stay is because you ams hot for my mom!” Skwsigaar sobbed.

“Your mom’sh pretty fucking hot,” Murderface added. Skwisgaar glared at him, and Nathan said, “Dude, you aren’t fucking helping.”

“It’s okay Skwisgaar,” offered Sam, patting him on the back. “When we eat you don’t have to talk to your mom.”

“Ja I ams have to. You don’t know my mothers”. “Okay then, but how bad can it be?” Sam shrugged. Skwisgaar glared. When they got to the table, they all didn’t fit.

There were only six chairs, and there were thirteen of them total. So Sam, Cat, Skwisgaar, Pickles, Steven, Axl, and Toki sat on the floor.

“Dinner is… good, Ms. Skwigelf” Cat choked out through the silence, forcing herself to swallow a mouthful of the only thing that wasn’t unidentifiable meat- overcooked peas.

“Thanks you. What was your names again? ” Servetta replied.

“I’m Caitlin” she answered. “Thanks you, Caitlins” “Anytime” Cat dumped her peas into a pet food dish while she wasn’t looking. Everyone else did the same if they were in reach. The people at the table were left staring at their gross food.

“So Skwisgaar, how long have you known these girls?” Servetta asked.

“Since three days ago. They ams just showed up at da concerts backstage.

“They ams your girlfriends, ja? ” Cat coughed on the water she was drinking, and Toki slapped her on the back to try to get her to stop coughing. Sam giggled.

“No, moms. Dey ams… uh…” Skwisgaar grumbled, at a loss for words, not sure what to call the two girls who had been palling around with Dethklok for the past few days. “Friends?” he said feebly, making it sound like a question.

“With the benefits?” Serveta asked. Skwisgaar let his head hit the table. “Dey ams fifteens, mom.”

“I think I’d go insane if that was my mom,” mumbled Sam.”She makes everything sexual,” Cat whispered in return.

“Da most promscs- you- us womans in all of Sweden!” Toki said, filling in for Skwisgaar. Steven was glaring up at Murderface, who had beat him to a spot at the table and was sitting right next to Serveta, much to Skwisgaar’s dismay.

“Ams you sure yous ams not havinks benefits?” Servetta eyes Sam and Cat. “The one with shorter hair looks most fertile, and the one who looks likes she’s Swedish ams gots child-bearing hips”

“You alreadies haves manies grandkids” Skwisgaar muttered “you just don’t know it”. Servetta acted like she didn’t hear him “So ams you girls havink de boysfirends?”

“No” they answered in unison. “Ams shame. You’s make most exellent prizes”

“Prizes…?” Slash dared to ask.

“At de wifes-winning tournament. In fact, I should sign you up”

“Wife… winning?” Sam said slowly.

“I’m only 15,” Cat said, sounding very freaked out. “The legal marrying age in Texas, redneck capital of the world, isn’t even that low.”

Sam snorted at this. “Dude, if the guys were hot and young, it wouldn’t be THAT bad.” Duff glared at her. “How old are the guys trying to win wives, anyway?” she asked out of curiosity. “

At least thirties,” Skwisgaar answered. “Most of them are old and fat.” Both girls looked utterly repulsed.

“Think about it,” Slash said. “If they have to enter a contest to even try to get a wife, they’re probably not the best catches.”

“But it ams fun!” Serveta interjected. “If you ams a slut,” Skwisgaar muttered.

“Hey! Don’t speak that way around your mother!” Murderface and Stevie said in unison.

“Shuts up” Skwisgaar hissed. “I tinks contests ams fun!” Toki grinned “As ams girls”.

Sam and Cat exchanged frightened glances. “Toki we don’t need you help right now” cat said delicately.

“I signs you up, it be funs” Servetta got up from the table. “Shouldn’t we, like, stop her?!” Sam hissed. Cat shrugged “I’m a little scared of her to be honest…”. Sam gaped “I DON’T WANNA MARRY A FAT OLD GUY”. “Okay then, lets stop her before she-” Cat was cut off

“You ams signed ups, I texts de manager of de contest. Now we must go gets you ready, it ams tonight”

“What does getting them ready entail?” Slash asked.

“Makeups, hair, your knows,” Serveta said, talking with her hands.

“It sounds almost like a beauty pageant,” Cat said, sticking out her tongue. “But we’re gonna be competing in front of fat old men,” Sam replied miserably, her face in her hands. The girls were practically sobbing as Serveta pushed them toward her bedroom. When they got there, she threw them both a couple of skimpy outfits. “From my Miss Sweden days,” she said proudly.

“Ms. Skwigelf, what happens if we don’t show up to the um… wife winning contest?” Sam asked. “Ams very dis-respects-fuls,” she replied, sounding very serious. “No ones ams never shows up to wife winning contest.” Cat tried her hardest to stifle a groan.

“And here ams my makesup,” she tossed a box in their general direction.

“This all looks like hooker makeup!” Cat exclaimed upon opening the box.

“Hooker? Like fishes? Whatevers” Servetta cut off Cat’s half-formulated reply. “Yous havink smaller breasts den I did” she looked down at Sam. Sam cowered. “My gowns not fittinks you, you needs new one.” Cat was looking down at the tiny thing in her hands “Uh… Ms. Skwigelf? This is too small for my uh… chest. Yeah too small for my boobs” she held it up to her. “Fines we get you boths new clothinks” she took them back out through the living room/ dining room. “Ams needink new clothes” she said curtly to the boys “be backs in 2 hour” she drug them out into the snowy landscape.

“So NO one has ever NOT shown up?” Cat asked, looking around nervously as Servetta unlocked the car.

“No ones” she repeated.

“Is there a punishment?” Sam asked.

“Oh ja. Ams sekrit, though”

“Secret punishments are never good,” Sam said.

“It probably involved something really gruesome,” Cat replied. Serveta started the car, slammed the gas pedal to the floor, and they sped off. Cat and Sam were screaming as they tried to put on their seatbelts.

“One of yous should marry my little Skwisgaar,” Serveta yelled at them over their screaming. “He ams needings a wife. Stabilikties, you knows?”

“He’s too much of a manwhore to settle down with anyone,” Sam replied, her seatbelt clicked into place. “Now we can really see where he gets it from,” Cat said quietly, grabbing onto her seatbelt.

Meanwhile at the house….

“Dude,” Nathan said, “Sweden has some totally fucked-up traditions. Wife winning? Who thinks of this shit?”

“I can’t believe you let her walk off with Cat and Sam like that!” Duff said, exasperated. “Dude,” Slash replied, “you could’ve said something. You’re their kinda sorta not really dad, too.”

“I hopes dey do nots come back totals sluts!” Skwisgaar said, throwing his hands up in the air. “My moms can’ts be trusted!”

“Sam and Cat might DIE” Axl yelled, overdramatic as usual “And you’re gonna be the one I kill when it happens!” he growled at Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes “PPPPPfffffftt. My moms wont kills them. She just makes them have no judgments on sex”

“That’s what I’m afraid of” Slash sighed. “I’ve learned that that’s not a great quality to have”.

“So tells us more about this tournaments” Toki demanded.

Skwisgaar took a deep breath “Goils at ages of 14 to 21 goes ands dressed pretty. Den de mens at 19 and however much olders goes and does challenges to wins his favorites. You picks down line, 1st, 2nd, 3rd. The lasts 5 places gets no wives”

“I have an idea!” Pickles said. “Two of us could enter, with disguises, ya know, and one of us picks Cat and the other picks Sam and then they would have to marry a fat, old man!”

“That’s pretty fucking genius,” Izzy said, clinking his beer with Pickles’.

Meanwhile with Serveta, Cat, and Sam…

“Here we ams!” Serveta announced, slamming into a parking space and sending Cat and Sam jolting forward. “Ams my favorite store since I was young goil. I still shops here, ams their favorite customers.”

Cat and Sam looked up at the store, which was called Exotic Erotic. “Is… this what I think it is?” Sam said hesitantly.

“Ja, ams sexy clothes!” Serveta said, dragging the girls inside.

“Um… Do they have any skirts longer than the ones in the window?” Cat whimpered, looking at the practically-lingerie.

“Oh, Jas” Servetta waved her hand over her head “Dont’s sell well, though” she led them by the wrists through the second set of doors, these ones a very strip-club looking pink.

“Hello, Servetta!” the woman behind the counter greeted her, rushing to get a hug.

“It has beens too long, Maja!” Servetta cried, flinging herself into a very-European cheek-kissing embrace.

“Who ams dese?” Maja asked, looking down at Sam and Cat. “Dat one looks Italian” she gestured to Cat. “I am” Cat answered.

“What is it with Europeans and pointing out nationalities?” Sam rolled her eyes.

“Dey ams Wives in de competition” Servetta explained, clapping her hands over their mouths.

“OH! I haves just the thing” she rushed over to a rack and pulled off two short skirts, one red and one blue. “If dey match, they gets picked togthers”

“That’s… really really kinky,” Sam said, lip curling up in disgust.

“Like underwears?” Maja asked, smiling down at the two girls.

“They’re pretty standard in America, actually,” Cat pointed out, trying to sound kind.

“Dis ams not Amerrycane, though, Caitlins,” Serveta said.

“I’m wearing underwear,” she snapped back, stomping her foot.

“Just lets thems do what they want, Serveta,” Maja told her. “Dey ams young.” Serveta didn’t respond to this, and gave each girl a skirt.

“Are there tops for these?” Cat asked, holding the skirt out at arms length.

“Oh ja, how could I forget?” She gave each a bikini top covered in sequins and tassels.

“It could be worse,” Sam said, shrugging as she looked at a leather policewoman-ish minidress.

Meanwhile with the boys…

“Who should we send into the contest?” Stevie asked.

“Whoever looks the most Swedish,” Axl said.

“That means Skwisgaar, I guess, and maybe you,” Nathan said, pointing at Duff. “You’re tall and blonde, you should fit right in.”

“Good luck guys” Slash lit a cigarette. Axl swiped it and took a drag “This should be interesting. Duff, make sure you beat Skwisgaar if you have to box or something”.

“Will do, Axl” Duff rolled his eyes.

“So when did they say they were getting home?” Nathan asked, checking his watch.

“About and hour and a half to go” Steve sighed.

BACK AT EXOTIC EROTIC….

“We needs dere makes-up too” Servetta said, handing cash over the counter, and handing each girl a bag.

“Okays, we have salons in back” She took them back, where three other girls that were about their age were getting their hair done up in huge, curly, blonde towers.

“She ams not blonde” the stylist, a man who’s nametag said Jim, looked down at Cat.

“I am, sorta” she argued.

“And her hair isn’t yellow-blonde” Jim continued complaining “And why is it so short?”

“They’re American” Maja whispered, rolling her eyes.

“Ohhhh” that seemed to be sufficient explanation “I’ll see what I can do, regardless” Jim pulled out a bag of extensions about the same color as Cat’s hair. “Is that a weave?” she asked, eyes getting big.

“They’re temporary extensions,” he said stressing the name of the fake hair. “You Americans,” he went on snootily, rolling his eyes. “And you,” he said, addressing Sam and picking up her hair, “this purple will HAVE to go.”

“No!” she yelled, grabbing her hair back and clutching it. “I can have purple hair if I want to!”

“Americans, he scoffed again, leading the girls toward a couple of chairs, where tall Swedish women with long, red, fake nails started washing their hair, snickering.

“My hair isn’t that short, is it?” Cat said dejectedly.

“No,” Sam assured her.

“And your purple hair is pretty fucking awesome.”

“I’m getting a divorce as soon as I’m married,” Cat said, “unless the guy is hot. And sane.”

“Same here” Sam agreed, wincing as the nails started digging into her scalp.

“You haves de shorts hair” the girl shook her head “You needs dem extentions”. “I DO NOT” Sam screamed, her drastic movement flinging soapy water everywhere.

“Chill, Sam. It’ll all be over soon” Cat relaxed as her hair was wrung out. “Just think of it as… as a day in the spa~!” she threw her arms wide, almost knocking over the temporary nail counter.

“The slut spa” Sam muttered, her hair being wrung out as well. They were shoved under the blowdryers.

“If we weren’t about to be possibly married to old fat men, this would be fun,” Cat returned as the hot air ran over her head. Sam replied with a hmph.

“Look at those Amerrycane girls,” one of the girls who was getting her hair curled snickered.

“Ja, so short with de shorts hair. Will never gets a husband.” Sam furrowed her eyebrows as she heard this. “Classless,” another girl threw in.

“Dumb bitches,” Cat muttered, shooting the girls a dagger glare.

Meanwhile with the boys…

“Ams you sure no one will recon-guyzes me?” Skwisgaar asked, looking incredulously in the mirror. Toki had cut off the ends of his hair and glued them to a piece of paper, trying to make it look like Skwisgaar had a moustache. “I AMS de most famous guitar player ever, and someones will probably recon-guyzes me. This is dildos.”

“No one will recognize me!” Duff said triumphantly. They’d found some of Serveta’s hairdye and dyed his roots and bottom layer blonde, put his hair in a ponytail, and shoved a hat on his head.

“Ja, because you’s not from Sweden!” Skwisgaar said, sounding panicky.

“Don’ts worry, Skwisgaar,” Toki offered. “If I’s not know you’s Skwisgaar Skwigelf, I’s not recon-guyzes you at alls!” He smiled widely, but Skwisgaar just glared at him. “Thanks Toki” Toki mocked in Skwisgaar’s voice.

They started out the door, wanting to get to the tournament early to be better prepared. Little did they know that the “wives” were already there. There were 10 contestants and 5 “prizes”. They searched the girls for Cat and Sam.

“I… don’t see them” Slash sighed, getting down off Duff’s shoulders. As he hit the ground people stopped and looked at him, mouths agape. It was then that Slash realized he looked VERY black next to all these Swedes.

“Ffffuuuuck” he hid behind Duff.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT RECONGNIZE THEM?” Axl yelled, literally climbing up on Duff to se over the crowd. None of the five girls looked much like them.

“Wait… all of them have ginormuous tits except HER” Axl pointed at Sam. “And she looks a little less blonde than the rest…” Duff pointed to Cat. “Got um” Axl snapped his fingers and dropped down. “Got um?” Steven asked.

Axl nodded. “Alright, Duff and Skwiswhateveryournameis, go and win our girls back” he pushed them roughly.

“Fine, fine” Duff grumbled. “Wes needinks be carefuls, dis ams very competitives sport” Skwisgaar warned as they went along.

“Competitive? Is it THAT hard to get a wife in Sweden?” Duff asked.

“Verys.” Skwisgaar nodded. “Like, how competitive?” Skwisgaar looked over his shoulder at Duff and stopped walking.

“One years a man was shot to death by another man for pickinks the wife he wanted.” Duff gulped, and the pair continued walking. Duff and Skwisgaar made their way over to where the contestants were staying, and noticed that they were the least burly and youngest of the bunch.

“Great. We’re going to lose so badly,” Duff moaned.

“Don’ts say dat!” Skwisgaar warned. “Ams bad luck.”

“You didn’t seem like the superstitious type,” Duff replied.

“I’s nots, but its hards not to bes a littles growinks up here” he explained. The other men towered above them and Duff gulped “I have NEVER felt so short in my entire life” he whimpered.

Skwisgaar nodded “I always thoughts I was shorts untis I gos into Amerry-canes”. Duff gulped again. He was going to piss himself.

WITH CAT AND SAM:

“Cat… I don’t think they recognize us” Sam frowned, waving at Slash, who was up on Duff’s shoulders. Servetta, their “Mentor” (each girl had a woman behind them, a former bride or something) slapped her arm down.

“Ams improper” she hissed. Sam nodded and cowered. “I’m scared” Cat whispered

“Oh yeah” Sam muttered back “tell me about it. They looked around, and finally saw Axl pointing to them from Duff’s shoulders. He dropped off as soon as he’d come though.

Sam sighed and Cat crossed her arms “They better be trying to get us out of here”. Suddenly, a horn sounded and an announcer came over the intercom that spanned through the entire fair grounds. “CONETST AMS BEGIN” he yelled.

“What do we do, Ms. Skwigelf?” Cat asked frantically.

“Just listen to what announcer says. Go!” She pushed Sam and Cat out onstage, and walked behind them. “PRESENTATION OF THE BRIDES,” he said. “First, ams Caitlins and Samanthas, mentored by Serveta Skwigelf, Miss Sweden 1956! Ams girls from Amerrycane!” He sounded very excited as he said Serveta’s name. The crowd whistled, and Cat and Sam waved half-heartedly.

“Smile!” Serveta urged through her teeth. The girls smiled widely and fakely as they waved.

“Next, ams Brynja mentored by Britta!” The other girls were named Freja and Ursula.

“Dude, those other chicks are hot. Do you think the others would be mad if I chose one of them…” Duff teased. Skwisgaar was unamused. “Thems goils am Sam and Cat’s ages” Duff’s smile went south. “Jeez”. The brides were sat in uncomfortable chairs that promoted good posture.

“FOIST ROUND” the announcer, who was most likely the same guy that styled their hair by the sound of it, yelled. “De contestants will have to carry two sheep up a hill!”

Duff shot Skwisgaar a look that said “HAHAH DUDE” but Skwisgaar seemed to be taking it seriously. They were all handed two equally sized sheep. Duff had to struggle to even pick up one, but the other men had one on each shoulder and barreled over the hill like it was nothing. “ROUND TWO”

“Yous going to come in last!” Skwisgaar growled at Duff.

“Dude, sheep are fucking heavy! How’d you do that?”

“All Swedish men learns to carrys the sheeps when they ams eight years old.” He looked dead serious. “Okaaayyyyy…”

“Da contestants must eat a bowl of… mackerel!” A big bowl of smelly fish was placed in front of each contestant.

“Are you fucking serious?” Duff exclaimed. “You shoulda had Toki do this!”

“Pretends it ams… beer. That tastes like fish,” Skwisgaar said, holding his spoon tight.

“Whatever, man,” Duff said, looking down at the fish.

“One… two… eats!” The men began shoveling the oily tasting fish meat into their mouths. Duff was having a much easier time than he expected, since he was hungry because Serveta’s food was inedible. He finished third, with Skwisgaar coming in second.

“I think I’m gonna puke,” he moaned, clutching his stomach.

“Puking ams not the sign of a good husband. Only goils puke.” Duff raised his eyebrow. “You’re REALLY taking this seriously, aren’t you?”

“…Unintet-shoe-lay” Skwisgaar muttered, his cheeks turning the barest hint of red “Plus we needs to get our goils back”. “There you have a point” Duff shrugged.

“ROUND THREE. Contestants must do something musical! If the girls cover their ears, you LOSE”. “Oh thank you God, oh thank you God” Duff cried, drawing a few stares.

“Dis ams noooot goods” Skwisgaar muttered “Swedsish goils likes not rock musics”.

“That’s okay, man, I can play classical, punk, country…” Duff started listing them off “I mean, I’m not QUITE as good as Slash, but-” he was cut off

“Dey ams liking Seweidsh folk songs and Miley Cyrus”. Duff banged his head down onto the table. They all rose and got in line to sing/play for the girls. The first eight men all got Sam and Cat to cover their ears.

“I hate Miley Cyrus!” Cat yelled, throwing an egg at a man who sang Party in the USA, making it sound worse than it would anyway.

“Who ams next?” asked the announcer. Duff walked up, and Cat and Sam squeed. Serveta smacked them both.

“You ams not be showinks the affections,” she said quietly. Duff had an acoustic guitar in hand, and started singing So Fine, trying to make it sound as poppy as possible. He looked sort of pained. When he finished, the girls clapped politely.

“Ams new Mileys Cyrus song?” Ursula asked, sounding intrigued. “I… uh… sure,” he forced a smile.

Skwisgaar came up next. Holding an acoustic guitar. “Dildos grandpa guitars,” he grumbled as he tuned it up from drop-C.

He began to strum it, liking the way what Duff had played sounded. He started messing up, however, when he began singing. Skwisgaar should NOT be allowed to sing… EVER. He was making it up as he went a long, which didn’t help either. Sam couldn’t help it and winced. Skwisgaar shot her a glare. She smiled painfully. Skwisgaar finished his song with only one girl covering her ears.

“Dat was dildos” he hissed to Duff “you wons dat one, me tinks”. Sure enough, he had.

“ROUND …SOMETHING”

“Haha Skwisgaar” Toki yelled from the crowd “YOU DILDOS”.

“Maybe he should have competed” Duff mused “he’s pretty strong, and he can sing a hell of a lot better than you”. Skwisgaar hissed without words, making Duff jump. “Jeez, sorry”

“The contestants must beat each other in… DANCING with the girls!”

“Are you fucking serious?” Duff asked. “I can’t dance for shit!”

“This ones ams easy,” Skwisgaar said matter-of-factly. “Dance with Cat or Sam. They like us, so they’ll be nice judging our dancings.”

“Sounds simple enough,” Duff returned. Skwisgaar walked up to Cat, and Duff walked up to Sam.

“I’d squeel and hug you, but Skwis’s mom said that we’re not allowed to show affection.” Sam shot a wary glance towards Servetta. “Don’t worry about it,” Duff said. The music began to play, and the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. All the Swedish girls squealed with joy.

“How do we dance?” Cat yelled at Serveta. “Just like we practiced!” she yelled back.

“But we DIDN”T practice!”

“I ams not be knowing, just wings it!”

“BUt- BUT” Cat was pulled onto the dance floor kicking and yelling. Skwisgaar hissed at her to stop so he could win. She ceased “FINE” and put her hands on his shoulders, which was quite a feat. He was at LEAST a foot taller than her. His hands ended up somewhere around her ribs. Sam and Duff were having a little less trouble, but only because Sam’s shoes made her a little taller. The music was at a beat that was hard to dance to. The other girls were all over the men like hoes.

“Can’t you dance like THAT” Skwisgaar hissed at Cat. Cat turned to see the other girl dancing like a stripper while bumping into her partner .

“Only if you want me to break my hips and burn off your-“

“I gets it, I gets it” he stopped her.

“Good,” she said, digging her nails into his hand for good measure.

“Ouch!” She smirked up at him. “Just making sure.”

“This is really hard,” Sam said. “I hate dancing!” Duff said in response. “Slow song please, slow song please,” Sam prayed. The song switched to Mamma Mia, also by Abba (since they’re the only Swedish band I know), which was even faster. “Good God!” she yelled. Duff grabbed her waist and twirled her around.

“Let’s just keep spinning,” she said. “People like spins.”

“Dance like them!” Serveta was yelling, pointing at the other girls grinding against their partners. “You’ll lose if you don’t!”

“What happens if you lose?” Cat asked.

“Same thing that happenings if you ams not shows up to the contest at all,” she yelled back “I shouldsa taught them to be sluts,” she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Sam squeaked and let go of Duff. She started to attempt dancing like the other girls, and failed miserably. “Didn’t you ever watch a Brittney Spear’s Video?” Duff asked, just standing there as she danced.

“No” Sam shook her head “not really. The only thing I know how to do is pole dance and pop-lock-and-drop it” she blushed. Duff started giggling.

“THIS AMS DISASTER” Skwisgaar cried, still swaying with Cat.

“I know” she sighed, gathering courage “Okay Skwisgaar. We’re about to know each other better than you or I want to”

She ran up to where she and Sam had been sitting, put on the tall, platform, Kiss-esque boots that she had taken off in favor of bare feet to try to lessen the height difference between her and Skwisgaar, and ran back to where he was standing.

The song had changed to Gimme More by Britney Spears, and the dancing of the other girls had gotten progressively more slutty as time went on. Cat took a deep breath and employed the skanky dancing she’d seen in music videos and every school dance she’d ever been to.

“You know,” Skwisgaar told her, “most womens who do this to me are aktleast three times you’s age.” “To much information,” she replied.

In the crowd…

Izzy elbowed Slash. “Don’t look now, but Cat is dancing like a ho against that blonde guy.” Slash spewed beer everywhere, and Steven pretended to wipe a tear from his cheek. “She’s all grown up,” he said, trying to sound choked up.

“Duff and Sam are gonna looooose” Axl whistled through his teeth, standing on his toes to see.

“Well pretend you’re pole dancing on me!” Duff threw his arms up in the air, noticing people staring at them in distaste.

“FINE” she growled through gritted teeth. She began to swing around Duff like a pole.

“This is awkward because yesterday you said you were like my dad” Sam muttered. Duff shrugged “Whatever”.

in the crowd…again

“Duff better not be enjoying that” Izzy shook his head “this entire situation is fuckin WEAK”.

“I know” Slash sighed, refilling his beer at the little beer stand.

“STOP DANCING” shouted the announcer/ Joe from Exotic Erotic. Cat and Sam stopped as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

“Now, for the winners of the contest. All of the men performed admirably, but only five can win.” He paused dramatically. Duff looked like he was on pins and needles.

“First place, is Skwisgaar Skwigelf” Serveta looked thunderstruck. All the girls in the audience screamed, as well as the three wives that weren’t Sam or Cat. Bras and panties started flying in his direction, and the three other girls started to flail their arms, going “PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME.” Skwisgaar chose Cat as his first choice and Sam as his second, and gave random preferences to the three other girls.

“How come I never inspire this kind of reaction?” Axl asked in the crowed jealously.

“Because you aren’t 6’4” and Swedish” Izzy replied, taking a long drag off his cigarette.

“But I’m sexy” Axl whined. “Yes, we know, Axl” Slash rolled his eyes “But you’re 5’10” and IRISH”. Axl looked extremely dejected “I hate being short”.

“SECOND IS… HELGOR STUSHOVALAALALA” The biggest and least fat of the men stepped up and chose one of the big-breasted Swedes. They went through two more with Sam being last to be chosen, and Duff yet to have placed. Everyone was on edge.

“DUFF MCKAGAN… what kind of Swedish name is that?” Joe asked. Duff picked Sam and then Cat for his first two choices.

“HE’S NOT SWEDISH!” someone in the crowd yelled, throwing a bottle of beer in his direction. It missed miserably, hitting one of the men who lost. That man growled, and turned in Duff’s direction. He was at least 6’6 and 400 pounds, and all of the hair from his head seemed to have migrated to other parts of his body. Duff gulped. “My grandma was Swedish?” he offered feebly, looking up at the man. He growled again and cracked his knuckles, looking like he was about ready to knock Duff’s lights out.

“Serveta, do something!” Sam yelled.

“Duff’s about to get the shit beat out of him by some gigantic Swede,” Izzy said, jaw dropping and cigarette falling out of his mouth.

“AXL TO THE RESCUE” Axl charged through the crowd.

“NO! He’s like 8 inches taller and 200 pounds heavier!” Slash yelled, chasing after him.

“I cans not dos nothinks, womens be silent” Servetta turned her nose up at Sam. Sam hugged Duff tightly “Sorry you’re gonna die” she said. Duff grumbled “I’m not gonna die”.

Axl sprang up onto the dance platform “GET IN THE RING MOTHERFUCKER” The giant man turned slowly to face Axl and a shadow fell over him. Axl gulped “I meant… uh… I mean…” he mumbled, backing away until he hit Slash who had jumped up onstage too.

“Caitlins, should we be helpinks?” Skwisgaar looked down at Cat nonchalantly. Cat was wringing her hands “I don’t know, Skwisgaar. Maybe? I mean, I don’t want to get in trouble and have the horrible that happens when you don’t show up or anything wrong happen to me.” She said that all in one breath. Skwisgaar looked at her like she was nuts. “What ams you talkink about?”

“Your mom said something really bad would happen if you did anything wrong.” She looked up at him with frightened eyes.

“Pffft. Dumb Moms. Nothink wrong ams happen to you if you don’t show up to the contest.”

“Are you serious?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Ja. Moms am telling lies. Agains.”

“Well then go help!” she said, pushing him in the direction of Duff. “You’re Skwisgaar Skwigelf, he’s BOUND to listen to you.”

“Hey you guy” Skwisgaar began, hovering about an inch under the man’s eye level. He was way over 6’6”.

“WHAT” he grunted.

“I ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf, and yous needinks to be stops” he held up a hand lazily. The man grabbed Skwisgaar’s wrist and flipped him ninja-style.

“Ohhh ow” Skwisgaar groaned.

Toki gasped “Ams Skwis okay?” he asked resting his chin on the side of the stage.

“Ja tokis. Dat crabby guys hit me” Skwisgaar gestured to the burly man who now had Duff by the shirtfront.

“I cans fix dis” Toki exclaimed happily, scrambling up. He walked up to the man “Yous beink bads guy” Toki grimaced “It ams not nice to beats people up when you ams mad,” he continued, smiling weakly.

“Hypocrite!” yelled Murderface from the crowd.

“When yous mad, you should… um… makes macaroni pictures.” He said it so it sounded like a question.

“Dude, I don’t think you’re helping,” Duff said, squirming as the huge man grabbed his shirt tighter. He roared like a lion, and dropped Duff.

“I can’t believe this guy hasn’t been shot with elephant tranquilizers yet!” Sam exclaimed.

“Wife winning ams serious business,” Skwisgaar said.

“Apparently,” Cat said. Toki squeaked and made and effort to hide behind Sam.

“Toki, you’re fuckin RIPPED” Sam chastised, shoving Toki out in front of her “Beat him up. He called you gay, he said you’ll never amount to anything, he said your guitar playing SUCKS” Sam pushed him again.

“But Skwisgaar says all dem thing all de time” Toki sqeaked.

“Then pretend he’s Skwisgaar and let all your anger out. Think of it as part of your marriage counseling”

“But we ams not marryinks!” Toki exclaimed, stumbling into the man while looking over his shoulder talking to Sam. He growled menacingly. “I’m goink to haves to beats you up!” he said, craning his neck up to look the man in the face.

“Toki!” Cat yelled. “You don’t tell people you’re going to beat them up, you just do it!”

“But I’s scared!” he said.

“Just punchinks him in the chest!” Skwisgaar yelled. “Pretend he ams that dude from the sober concert!” And Toki proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of the guy. Skwisgaar’s jaw was practically on the floor. “I still ams not seeink how yous do that.”

“I’s not knowinks either” Toki shrugged, on the verge of tears “I’s sorry, big mans” he added.

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes “Cryink ams least metal things ever”.

“Our savior” Sam and Cat cheered, running to Toki. Duff and Skwisgaar looked very put-out.

“We ams de ones who wons you as wives. Speakins of which, marries cer-moon-aye is now, over deres” Skwisgaar pointed.

“IM NOT MARRYING YOU” Cat squealed “That’s so wrong”.

“And I’m not marrying Duff, that is also wrong” Sam added.

“We haves to. Is only legals in Swedsen” Skwisgaar PFFFted.

“ONLY in Sweden?” Cat challenged. Sam narrowed her eyes for good measure.

“Ja. We’s only be marries in Sweden” he nodded.

“What does this ceremony involve?” Duff asked.

“You be seeing. We cans skip the after parts, it happens in privates anyway”

Cat and Sam exchanged a nervous glance, while Toki asked, “Skwisgaar, I ams beink best mans?”

Skwisgaar sighed. “Sure. Whatevers.” The group made their way over to the where the marriage ceremony was taking place. There were flowers, and lots and lots of sheep. “What are all these sheep doing here?” Cat asked, eyeing one of the fluffy animals. “Ams tradition,” Skwisgaar explained “Sheep verys im-pork-tents in Sweden.”

“Apparently,” Duff said. He paused before saying, “Do we have to carry these up a hill again?”

“No,” Skwisgaar said, “ams part of scenerys, but still very im-pork-tants for cer-moon-aye.”

“I’m going to be ready to go to Ireland,” sighed Duff. So all of Dethklok and GNR filed into the white upholstered seats, everyone else was scared away. Both “couples” (term used lightly) filed up to the alter, planning on getting both weddings done in one swing. Servetta was holding the Swedish Bible in her hands.

“Ams you Skwisgaar and Doof takes Sams and Canfin fers your wiveses?”

“Ja”   “Yeah, fine”

“Ams you Caitfin and Sams takinks Doof and Skwisgaar as hoosband?”

“Yes”  “Uhhh… yeah. Yeah okay”.

“Now we kisses dem brides” Servetta clapped the bible shut with a grin. None of the four moved. “C’MON YOU PEDOPHILES KISS UM” Nathan called, him and Pickles cracking up.

“Shut up!” Duff yelled over his shoulder.

“You must kiss de goils,” Serveta said, looking very serious.

“I don’t lives with you, moms!” Skwisgaar yelled.

“Don’t throw a temper tank-trums,” Toki said gently. Skwisgaar glared at him.

“It doesn’t say where you have to kiss us,” Sam whispered to Duff, grabbing his shirt.

“You have a point,” Duff said. He reached down and kissed the top of her hand, and Skwisgaar ended up kissing the top of Cat’s head. Serveta sighed, realized this was probably all she could get her stubborn son to do.

“Ams now wedding receptions!” she yelled. All the sheep started to baaaahh in unison.

“We’s go into dat tent” Skwisgaar sighed, pointing to a very cooshy-looking tent filled with flowers and pillows.

“NO WAY” Sam screamed “NO WAY”.

“No ones watches, we just pretends” Skwisgaar winked. Sam was silent.

“This Swedish wife-winning/ wedding shit is weird” Cat grumbled, trudging into the tent. “Wow it’s really nice in here” Duff was impressed. He picked up a bottle of champagne and popped off the cork. He began to chug it down as the girls explored.

“Well this tent sure as fuck aint for camping” Sam whispered to cat, gesturing to the fluffy white bed in the corner. Cat snorted, grabbing some expensive looking chocolate off the table Duff had found the champagne on.

“Look, there’s even sheep in here!” Sam exclaimed. Sure enough, there were some little baby sheep sleeping in a pen next to the bed. “Thats kinda creepy” Cat grimaced.

“But they’re so cuuuuute” Sam leaned down to cuddle one.

“They ams to promote fertilities” Skwisgaar flopped down onto a huge pillow. Sam put the little lamb down, suddenly frightened of it.

“We cans go out nows, they don’ts expect it to takes long” Skwisgaar looked down at his watch. “Okay” Sam was almost out the door before Skwisgaar pulled her back “hangs on” he pulled her hair clips out and gave her a noogie until her hair was everywhere.

“HEY what was THAT for” Sam shrieked, holding her head.

“You ams not have perfect hair afters beink “married”” Skwisgaar rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing ever. He ruffled Cat’s hair a bit and they exited.

“Hooooooooow was it,” Steven said, grinning slyly and elbowing Cat.

“You perv,” Slash said, slapping his elbow away “…You really didn’t do him, did you?” he asked, sounding nervous.

“Uhhhhm,” Cat said, unsure of what to say. She saw Serveta staring at them out of the corner of her eye “I did, actually,” she said, wrapping her arm around his waist and pulling him close. “My sexy, sexy husband.” She forced a grin then winked at Slash.

“Oooooh,” he said. “Well, good for you.”

“Is there any vodka around here?” Pickles asked, much too loudly.

“There’s champagne in the tent,” Duff said, jerking a thumb in that direction.

Serveta walked over to the group. “I ams so happy you ams marryink, Skwisgaar,” she said, crushing him in a hug.

“Thank you, moms,” he said, awkwardly patting her on the back. She pulled away. “Now that marriage ams official, you may eats,” she said, guiding them toward another tent.

“Good!” yelled Axl. “I’m fucking hungry!”

“Is there vodka?” Pickles asked.

“Ja, dere ams” Skwisgaar nodded. As soon as Serveta was gone however, he started panicking and pushed Cat off of him. Somehow shed managed to cling through Serveta’s motherly looooove.

“Wes gots to get out of heres” he literally ripped his flannel shirt ripping it off. Sam fanned herself “oh Cat you shoulda married him for real” she whispered. Cat pushed her playfully and snickered “Shut up, he’s like 28”.

“To Hatredsopters” Skiwsgaar started sprinting. It took a moment for everyone to catch on, but eventually they were all on the hatredcopter and safe.

“TO FUCKING IRELAND” Axl shouted.

“SO I can get me some whiskey” Pickles grinned. The pilot nodded affirmative.

“Byes, sheep,” Toki said, waving out the window. The hatredcopter sped off, and Nathan said, “Skwisgaar, now I see why you moved to America. Sweden is fucking weird”

“You don’t have to tells me twice!” Skwisgaar said, ripping the wedding ring off his finger and throwing it on the floor. “I hates Sweden! I hates my mom! I hates it all!”

“Don’t cry, Skwisgaar,” Toki said, patting him on the back. “I’s not crying!”

“I’m just getting high,” Sam filled in. Cat high-fived her.

“Hopefully we won’t have any weird detours this time,” Izzy said as a klokateer handed him a glass of brandy. Murderface was moaning over not getting to talk to Serveta, and Nathan told him to shut his trap. Steve was over it, because he went through women like most people go through underwear. He as already thinking about being adored by Irish women.

“I’m so fucking excited to go to Ireland!” Axl exclaimed. “I even brought my kilt!”

“Shield your eyes, everyone,” Izzy teased.

“I know, dude!” Pickles added. “Da Irish are my people.”

“You know what Izzy?” Axl snapped “I’m not going to wear underwear with my kilt. And you know what ELSE?” Axl yelled.

“Dare I ask?” Izzy sipped his brandy.

“I’m gonna rip your fucking eyelids off so you HAVE TO SEE IT” Axl was pulled away by Slash.

“I’m so psyched for Ireland, dood” Pickles grinned, watching them approach Ireland at break neck speed. “We’re actually going to land… he passed it” Pickles’ face fell. It was fallen all the way over the rest of Europe and on to… HAWAII.

“So Axl,” began Pickles, “what’s that thing that you refuse to let anyone speak of? Dat thing that took fifteen years?”

“Are you trying to piss me off?” Axl said, the irritation evident in his voice.

“I just wanted to know,” Pickles replied, sipping at his fruity drink he randomly aquired.

“I bet you’re GAY” Axl accused, using something that the Discovery Channel show dedicated to Axl’s species likes to call “the first defensive mechanism: being a douche”.

Pickles spit out hit appletini all over the back of Nathan’s head. Then there was silence. “…I’mnotgoingtokillPickles. I’mnotgoingtokillPickles” Nathan muttered under his breath. He slowly got up and left for the bathroom. There was a collective sigh of relief.

“Ahm naht GHEY” Pickles scowled

“YOU ARE”.

“Axl you did wear make up back when we first got started” Slash looked up from under the brim of his hat sheepishly “You could be mistaken for gay”

“SO DID YOU” Axl spat back.

“Yeah, but it was YOUR idea” Slash continued to pluck at his strings.

“Hey did nots you be wearring makeups like a girly pansies too?” Skiwsgaar asked Pickles.

Pickles turned a little pink “Well yeah, but…” he mumbled “IT WAS DA 80’s!” he slammed his glass down angrily.

“EXACTLY!” yelled Axl, glaring at Skwisgaar. “You were too young to remember the awesomeness,” he rambled, getting all dreamy and nostalgic looking.

“But yous wore makeup too Skwsigaar!” Toki interjected, holding up a picture of Skwisgaar while he was in Agnostic Priest.

“Dat’s different!” Skwisgaar yelled. “Dat ams corpsepaint… and Tokis, we still wear that when we ams onstage. Why do you have dat pictures of me?”

“Because he loves you because you’re in a bromance,” sang Sam.

Skwisgaar pffted and went back to playing his Explorer. The klokateer came back with the beers for Steven, Duff, and Toki. The gunner boys grabbed theirs and clinked them, saying “Bottoms up!”

As soon as Toki got his he said “Bottoms ams up!” and began drinking.

“He’s so adorably foreign,” Cat giggled. “Skwis too,” added Sam. “I want a foreign boy for ME” Cat pouted. “Same here” Sam sighed. They were sad for about ten seconds when suddenly the pilot announced that they’d be in Japan in about thirty minutes.

“WAIT… WE WANT IRELAND” Axl began to get mad.

“DE PLACE A’ MY HERTAGE” Pickles added, also mad. The pilot, however, landed in Japan half an hour later.

“As long as we don’t run into any insane anime exes, I think we’ll be okay,” Cat said.

“Agreed,” Sam returned with a nod. “We should pal around in Japan for a few days and then we can go on to Europe.”

“I ams goings to find a Japanese brothel,” announced Skwisgaar. “The Asians ams such kinkys womens.”

“I’m going with him,” Steven said.

“And I ams going to gets Hello Kittys candies!” Toki said.

“As long as he’s not drinking,” muttered Nathan. So they got off the hatredcopter and were arguing about who would split up with who.

“I FUCKING LOVE HELLO KITTY!” Sam squealed, running after Toki.

“No, you’re coming with us!” Duff demanded, already having Cat by the arm. Sam and Cat were both pouting. “Well you should take us to see Hello Kitty stuff then” Sam huffed. “And you should take us to a tea house and let us put you in kimonos and then take us to see the koi fish in the gardens and then we can find a hotel with paper walls and then you can pay for us to have calligraphy lessons!” Cat started to bounce up and down.

“Sounds expensive” Axl grumbled from over near Pickles, who had agreed to go out and sample sake. Slash shot him a dirty look. “I mean FUN!” Axl corrected himself sarcastically.

“You guys are both immensely rich, so don’t bitch!” Cat shot at Axl, who rolled his eyes. “You forget that-” “Yeah, yeah, your account got frozen. Doesn’t matter, though, since I’m sure people will be throwing stuff at you since you are from Guns N’ Roses.”

“This is true,” Axl mulled over. “I think this is a great opportunity to abuse my celebrity and get free stuff!”

“I’ve been doing that fer years, dude,” Pickles told him. They lazily high-fived. So off they went into the streets of Tokyo. People were fainting in the middle of the streets when they saw Dethklok and Guns N’ Roses hanging out together.

“The Hello Kitty store!” said Toki, who was practically vibrating with excitement. “There it ams!” “Woah,” Sam said slowly, looking up at the five story building completely dedicated to Hello Kitty. “Best. Detour. Ever,” announced Cat.

“GO GO GOOOO” Sam pushed Toki into the store excitedly. Cat wasn’t far behind. Slash and Duff stood outside the store, wondering if they could go in there and exit as manly as they were. Most likely not. So they stayed where they were, staring up at the flashing neon Hello Kitty head on the storefront. When the girls and Toki returned around two hours later they each had about six bags full of merchandise.

Toki’s was entirely made up of candy and cupcakes. “I ams lovingk dis stores!” he exclaimed, shoving a handful of candy into his mouth.

Cat and Sam agreed. “To the teahouse!” Cat declared.

“That was a really fucking long time,” moaned Duff.

“Come on,” Sam said, elbowing him, “I’m sure you had fun while you were waiting for us.” Duff mumbled, “Slash did,” while rolling his eyes over to Slash, who was grinning deviously with his clothes all askew.

“Don’t wanna know,” Cat said, holding her hands over her ears. They had to flag a taxi to get to the teahouse, since the closest one was a few miles away. The taxi driver let them read completely free of charge, explaining that Guns N’ Roses were his favorite band.

“Abusing celebrity is fun!” Slash said giddily as they stepped out of the taxi. “They’re not going to make us dress up or paint our faces white, are they?” asked Duff hesitantly.

“I don’t think so,” Cat replied as they walked into the teahouse. “Unless…” Sam grinned “Excuse me” she tugged the skirt of a Hostess. The elderly woman looked kindly down at Sam.

“Hai?” “Could we get facepaint and kimonos? They’re Guns N’ Roses and he’s from Dethklok and they want to experience the culture”. Slash and Duff looked furious, whereas Toki started to vibrate happily.

“Of course” the woman walked off and brought them their clothes back.”YAYYYYY”. And ten minutes later they were sitting at tea, fully made up.

“This is fucking awesome” Cat exclaimed, sipping at her tea. It was delicious. “Yes it is” Sam agreed. “It ams” Toki also agreed. Slash and Duff were grumbling irately. Everyone had their hair pinned up, which Slash was very unhappy about.

“I feel so beautifuls,” Toki said, sipping at his tea. “I feel awful,” Slash moaned.

“It’s not like you guys never wore makeup before,” Sam said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah. You guys were the most gorgeous band on the Sunset Strip!” added Cat.

“As long as we’re prettier than Poison,” Duff said, pouting. “Much,” Cat said, with Sam nodding in agreement.

“Why ams eighties music all about being the prettiest band?” asked Toki. “It ams sort of dildos, really.”

“In all actuality, it really is,” Slash replied in agreement. “But we won hands-down” Duff added. “That we did” nodded Slash “I feel so out-there with my hair up”

“ROFL you said out-there” Sam chuckled. It seemed as though no one else got it.

“Do we get little cakes or something with this?” Duff asked the hostess, gesturing to the tea. The hostess nodded and walked off again. “I hate Japan. I always have” Duff muttered.

“It think it’s alright” Slash shrugged “What I don’t like is facepaint”.

“Chinsup, fellas” Toki grinned “De facepaints is funs, ja?” he asked the girls, who nodded. The hostess came back with their cakes.

“Probably made of radishes and rice,” grumbled Duff, looking at the cakes disdainfully.

Cat pickles on up and had begun to nibble on it. “It’s pretty good, actually,” she said.

“Oh ja, reals good!” Toki had already eaten two and a half.

“Cheer up!” Sam said, wrapping her arm around Duff’s shoulder, a rather difficult feat with a height difference of 13 inches. “This has to be better than listening to Axl and Pickles bitch at each other.”

“This is true,” Slash agreed.

“I’m just pissed that I’m sitting her in facepaint and a kimono,” Duff replied. “I don’t like it.” He then mumbled, “I should’ve gone to the brothel,” and crossed his arms.

“I think you should just chill,” Cat said. “This is supposed to be peaceful and relaxing.”

Duff sighed and took a bite out of a cake. “This isn’t half bad,” he said quietly. “That’s the spirit!” Cat returned.

“And now we can go see fishes!” Toki cheered. “YAY FISH” Cat threw her arms up in the air. “Maybe fish will be better than tea” Slash shrugged off his kimono and stood. Someone was there to take it and offer him a wet towel for his facepaint. “Awesome” he smiled. So they left and wandered down the street to the big garden with fish and stuff.

“I wants one to keeps as a pet” Toki leaned over the railing in front of one of the ponds eagerly. He started to reach into the pond to pick one up, but security was on him in a flash. “NOS! I needs de fishes, looks it misses me!” Toki pointed to the fish he had just killed by grabbing. “I cant’s understands what you ams saying!” Toki was shouting while security grabbed him.

“They’re saying that you’re in a lot of trouble for killing the fish and something about great disrespect,” Cat translated.

“Tell them I didn’ts mean to kills the fish!” Toki said. Cat sighed and translated the best she could. The security guards gave her a confused look. She sighed and facepalmed when she knew that she had probably just said something that made no sense.

“Do you know how to tell them to let him go?” Sam asked. “No!” she replied, half-frantic. “I know how to say that there are four people in my family and what time I go to school, but not that! One year of taking Japanese doesn’t teach you much.” She sighed and then apologized for Toki accidentally killing the fish.

“Everything I touch dies!” Toki cried.

“Poor kid,” mumbled Slash. “If you don’t get sent to prison, we can buy you a pet fish!” he offered hopefully.

“NO I’LL JUST KILLS IT” he sobbed violently. “Well your band isn’t dead!” Sam provided.

“I know Dethkloks not deads” Toki sniffed “Dem guys hates me thoughs”

“Defkrok?” one of the security guards asked.

“Ja, ams Toki Wartooth” Toki waved. He was released like he was on fire. There were many profuse apologies and gifts, including an entire tank of koi fish. Toki was very happy to say the least. So they left the garden behind as well, Toki drugging his fish behind him in a wagon. They managed to cross paths with Axl and Pickles (who were too drunk to do much else than say hi).

“So… what do we do now?” Cat asked. “We could go find that paper hotel you wanted” Slash suggested. “Sounds sweet” Sam said. They stepped into the nearest hotel they found. They lady at the front desk was starstruck, and couldn’t believe that Slash and Duff McKagan were standing in the lobby of the hotel she worked at.

“You stay free!” she announced happily in broken English, handing them a room key. They were staying in the suite on the top floor.

“Wowwee!” Toki said, setting his fish wagon down. “This ams the most bee-yoo-tee-ful hotels room I’s ever seen!”

“I’m just chuffed that there are paper walls,” Cat said, flopping down on a couch. “Do you think we should call everyone and tell them where we are?” she continued.

“If any one of them will pick up,” snickered Duff. “We already know that Axl and Pickles are drunk as fuck, Steven and blondie are probably… um, busy, and who knows where Izzy and the rest of Toki’s band are.”

“We could try,” she said with a shrug, tossing her phone to Sam, who dialed Steven’s number. “Hello?” Steven picked up just as voicemail was about to pick up. He was totally out of breath.

“Um… hey Stevie. It’s Sam, I was just calling to tell you we’re at the Sakura-Blossom hotel just down the road from where you are.”

“There are like sixty Sakura Blossom Hotels” Steven pointed out. Sam heard smacking sounds in the background. “Okay, well you’ll see a koifish tank on the balcony of the top floor of ours. BYE” she hung up, the sounds had been getting louder.

“Now Izzy” Cat declared, dialing Izzy. “Hey,” he said upon answering. “Where are you guys?” she asked.

“We’re at some sushi place and oh my God, I think that thing’s still moving!!!” Cat heard a slurping sound in the background, and then a “fucking brutal!” from who she assumed was Nathan. “What’s up?” Izzy continued.

“We’re just calling to tell you that we’re at the Sakura Blossom Hotel, and we’re in the room with the tank full of koi fish on the balcony of the top floor.”

“Okay I-” “Just eat the octopus, already, Murderface!” yelled Nathan in the background. “I gotta go. See you later.” He clicked off the phone. She tossed the phone back to Sam, who called Axl’s number. All Sam could hear after the call was answered was “Wooooooooah-oooooooohhh.”

“Um, Axl?” she asked. “I’m so drunk!” he yelled. “I sort of figured,” she replied “Just calling to tell you that we’re at the Sakura Blossom hotel. Look for the tank of koi fish in the balcony.” She hung up.

Her phone started ringing. “What?” she asked sharply.

“I jus… I jus… I jus called ta tell ya dat we dunno where.. wher weare” Axl slurred “Come… come fin’ and com’n get… pick us up” he hung up.

“Well that’s real FUCKIN helpful” Sam tossed the phone back to Cat.

“What?” Cat asked. “Axl and Pickles are lost” she sighed. “Oh” Cat was not surprised.

“Do we HAVE to go find them?” Duff whined, thoroughly enjoying his fluffy bed already.

“Well Axl being Axl could get them in a lot of trouble” Slash reasoned.

“And Pickle ams carrying lots of nark-oats-icks” Toki added, setting his tank outside as instructed. “Well I guess we aughtta be goin’” Sam stood and began to walk out. She looked back at the boys, who were still lazing around on beds and chairs. “Are you coming or what?” she asked, sounding somewhat impatient.

“Nope,” Duff said with a grin, popping his back. Sam gave him a dirty look before walking over to him and pulling him off the bed. “You know Axl better than I do, so you’d probably be able to help find him better than Cat and I alone. That applies to you, too Slash.”

Cat employed her big shiny puppy dog eyes. “You wouldn’t want us to get lost in the streets of Tokyo, would you?” she asked innocently. “Or kidnapped and made to work in a brothel.” Duff shot up, grabbing Slash out of chair and pulling him up with him.

“That’s the spirit boys!” Sam said, clapping her hands together. The group headed off while Cat called Axl again. He wouldn’t pick up. She angrily snapped her phone shut. “They’re probably passed out in a dumpster,” she grumbled.

“That isn’ts very goods. Pickle almost drowns in his owns puke once” Toki said thoughtfully.

“I heard one guy passed out in a dumpster and then got put into a garbage truck and munched up in the garbage processor” Sam added. Slash and Duff looked a little green.

“If I were drunk, where would I be?” Cat tapped her chin. “Pickle likes to buy drugs whens he is drunk” Toki replied.

“And Axl generally goes after girls and pisses off cops” Slash rolled his eyes. “So… we’re looking for drugs and cops” Duff said. “The place where they train police dogs has narcotics and police” Sam suggested.

Cat nodded slowly, still tapping her chin “Maybe they’re there. It’s worth a shot”. So they made their way there. Once in the police station, they realized that Stevie and Skwisgaar were in one of the cells.

“What did you get arrested for?” Sam said, practically pulling out her hair. “Publics nudity, I thinks,” Skwisgaar said. “Whatever we got arrested for, it was worth it,” Steven sighed.

“I don’t even want to know,” Cat groaned.

“I thought you learned your lesson when yous got arrested in Uzbekistan for the sames thing!” Toki yelled at Skwisgaar.

“It was worth it!” Skwisgaar shot back, crossing his arms behind his head and looking contented. “And get this!” Steven said. “They wouldn’t let us out of jail for free just because we’re in the two most kickass bands ever!”

“Haha, that’s what I did to nots gets arrested,” Toki scoffed.

“What’d you do, little Tokis?” Skwisgaar asked, sounding halfway intrigued.

“I kills a fish!” Toki announced, sounding proud. “Pffft. Most dildos crime ever.”

“Guys, don’t start,” Sam moaned. “Cat, ask how much it’ll cost to bail them out.”

“I’ll try,” she replied, turning to the police officer who stood by the cell Stevie and Skwisgaar were sharing.

“35,000 yen,” he replied.

“Done!” Toki grabbed a credit card out of his pocket and handed it to the police officer with a smile. He stared at it blankly “Bail in cash” he replied. Toki’s face fell.

“Ams anyones gots de 35,000 yarn wif dem?” No on even bothered to reply. “Ams you taking Ammery-canes moneys?” Toki asked. The guard shook his head.

“Well that was a bust” Cat grumbled. They’d had to leave Skiwsgaar and Stevie all alone in jail.

“On the plus side, it isn’t going to be hard to find two red-heads in Japan” Slash patted Cat on the back. Cat smiled “I guess so”

“Besides, I don’t think they’re too upset about getting arrested and sitting in a foreign jail,” Duff said. “We’ll probably hear earfuls about their exploits once we can bail them out,” Sam said, fake-cheerfully. They were wandering down the streets around the jail, with the boys periodically being stopped by people for autographs or pictures. They wandered into a park, where it was full of, what do you know, anime cosplayers.

“So many peoples haves red hairs here!” Toki said, sounding pretty upset. “We ams never goings to find them!”

“Don’t worry, Toki,” Cat said, patting him on the back, “we just look for the natural red heads.”

Truth be told, she was worried that they had passed out in a dumpster and crushed by all the garbage in the garbage truck, like that guy who escaped from the El Paso county jail.

“There are plenty of girls here,” Sam deducted. “There’s bound to be someone selling ecstasy or something. I bet we’re in the right place.”

“OMG IT’S PICKLE” Toki ran up to someone and spun the around. It was a chick. “Wow, nice Toki cosplay! You look just like him!” she grinned “Wanna make out?” she didn’t wait for an answer and began to make out with Toki. He didn’t seem to mind too much.

“MAN DOWN, MAN DOWN” Sam screamed.

“OHMIGOD” a girl came skittering up to Slash “Like, hi!” she squealed. She had long red hair (obviously a wig) and crappy tattoos scribbled on her arms.

“Oh SHIT” Slash facepalmed. Cat, Sam, and Duff were left alone in a sea of cosplayers.

“Cat… I’m scared” Sam whimpered. Cat patted her shoulder gently “We all are”.

“Hey… I think I see them!” Duff said. He could see over everyone there since he was so tall. “I think they’re being… Oh God” he ducked down under crowd level. “Them fans sure will do anything” he shook his head “We need ta get um outta here”

“What are they doing?” Cat asked eagerly, tugging on Duff’s shirt like a little kid.

“What’s that called when you take two guy characters and make them gay?” he asked.

“Slashing,” Sam said, her face falling as soon as she got the words out of her mouth “Oh my God, what are they making them do?”

“It looks like they might be… uh… kissing.” Sam grimaced; Cat was nearly hysterical.

“They must think that Axl is SnB Pickles! Oh god, it’s PicklesxPickles! It’s selfcest! Oh god oh god oh god.” She was practically screaming at first, but was muttering while they made their way over to the large group of girls with yaoi paddles surrounding Axl and Pickles

“I TOLD YOU I’M NOT SNB PICKLES. I’M FUCKIN AXL ROSE” Axl screamed, swatting at the fangirls.

“And I told you I aint gonna be ghey wit myself!” Pickles shouted, also swatting at the girls.  Duff came storming up, towering as much as two feet above some of the girls. He started pushing them over until he got to the red-heads “Hello, gingers” he said, helping them both out of the crowd. Sam and Cat were waiting at the edge.

They tossed themselves into a foursome-hug with Pickles and Axl. “Dawww we thought you’d have ta have buttsecks” Sam squished Pickles tighter.

“We’ve already covered butt-babies in this story” Axl replied gruffly “Where’s Slash?” he added.

“Oh… uhhh” Cat stuttered. “And Toki?” Pickles asked. “About that!” Sam mumbled.

“Guys, they were kidnapped by fangirls. They’re prolly getting blowjobs or something right now” Duff said.

“Figures,” said Pickles, sounding surprisingly coherent for having been drunk on the phone a little while ago.

“This must be chase around rockstars day,” Sam said “Now where did we last see Slash and Toki?”

“I think it was over there,” Duff replied, pointing to the right.

“They couldn’t have gone far,” Cat said. “Fangirls, so consumed with joy at seeing their favorite people, don’t move very fast. Let’s roll.” The group walked over to where they had wandered into the park, Sam supporting a stumbly Pickles and Cat dragging Axl, who was digging his heels into the ground.

“They can’t be far from here,” muttered Duff, surveying the crowd.

“HEY, there’s Slash… Oh” Axl was white-faced and furious immediately. Slash was flirting with the Axl cosplayer from earlier.

“You’d think that’d be creepy” Cat said with mild interest.

“And dat’s creepy too” Pickles pointed to Toki, who’d gotten to second base with Chickles the Drummer.

“TOKI” Cat called, cupping her hands over her mouth. About three heads turned her way. She waved to the real Toki.

“Slash” Sam walked right up to him.

“Oh, hey Sam. This is Wilma. Ain’t she pretty…?” he smiled not at Sam, but at Ms. Axl. “We found the real Axl, dude” Sam rolled her eyes.

“Oh” Slash looked a little disappointed, but followed Sam back to Cat and the other anyway. “Hey Ax” he muttered.

“Oh Shut UP” Axl growled. Slash grinned. “I like girl-you way better than you-you.” Axl punched him in the arm. “She’s way less of a bitch than you are.”

“Shut up!” hissed Axl.

“Caught in a bad bromance,” Cat sang.

“You shut up too!” he snarled at Cat.

“Someone’s a little grumpy and probably needs a nap.” Axl dug his heels into the ground again. “You’re like a freaking five year old, I swear,” she groaned, yanking his arm as she pulled him along. “Hey guys!” Toki said, smiling widely, Chickles on his lap. “I’s got to the second base!” he announced proudly, hands around Chickles’ waist.

“This is fanfiction fodder!” Sam said, sounding more giddy than she should have.

“Toki, we found Axl and Pickles, so we’re going” Cat said.

He looked disappointed. “Can I brings Chickles?” he asked. Sam and Cat exchanged a look before saying no.

“After all, Slash had to leave Wilma behind,” Cat said, stifling a snicker.

“Oh. Okays,” he said with a pout. “Byes, Chickles, it was nice to be meetings you!” Chickles responded with a grin and small wave.

“Bye, baby-cakes”

“Oh I likes cakes. Cans I be goinks back?” he cast a sad look back at Chickles, who had already found a new Toki cosplayer to fondle.

“Ohs. Neverminds, cakes is slutty” he wrinkled his nose. Pickles started to giggle like the drunk he is. Sam sagged under his weight “Ya know, one of you MEN could be doing this” she grumbled. Slash and Axl were bickering as Cat pulled Axl along. Duff was trying to cheer Toki up. “Nevermind” Sam sighed “So Pickles, what’s new with you?”

“I gaht slashed wit myself” he offered, grinning his silly crooked grin.

“That’s… interesting,” Sam replied. “Was it fangirly and delicious?”

Pickles hiccupped. “Ya know, I guess it was fangirly, since it was da fangirls who were tryin to make us kiss. Not dat delicious, though, because I wasn’t tastin’ anything.” Sam nodded.

“You know, I found a fanfiction like that once,” Cat called. “Weird as fuck.”

“What ams fanfiction?” Toki piped up.

“The most beautiful thing in the world!” sang Sam.

“More beautifuls dan I though Chickles was before I found out she ams a slut?” he asked innocently. “If that’s what floats your boat,” Sam replied. “You know, while we’re out here, we should try to find Izzy, Murderface, and Nathan. I think they said they were at a sushi place.”

“I likes sushi!” said Toki. “Maybe one of them has money to bail out Skwsigaar and Steve,” Duff offered.

“If they’re at a sushi place, there is no way we’re gonna find them. Japan is like one big fucking sushi place!” Axl said, sounding more annoyed by the moment.

“We need to get some black coffee in this guy,” Cat sighed.

“It always amuses me when Axl’s drunk” Slash laughed “He gets pissed off and horny”.

“As do most people” Cat said.

“But him especially” Slash added.

“I HATE COFFEE” Axl roared.

“No one hates coffee” Sam gasped.

“I DO RRRRRRRAHG” Axl yelled.

“Calm your balls, we wont get you coffee,” Duff told Axl.

“It’s the thought of someone making me drink coffee that makes me so upset,” he whined.

“We already said we wouldn’t give you coffee,” Cat replied.

 “I wanna go to that brothel that Steven went to,” he said.

“We don’t need to bail three people out of jail for public nudity, or whatever,” Sam said. “Besides, we need to find the other guys before we do anything else. “…”Fine,” grumbled Axl.

“Each of us has a cell, right?” Cat asked all the sober people. They nodded.

“Good. Split up and each of us will take a different sushi restaurant. Sam go to Akanawa, Duff take Pickles and go to Hiroshi, Slash take Axl and go to Sakura, and I will go to that one” she pointed. “Go team!” Sam cheered. They all split off, running to find Nathan, Izzy, and Murderface. Sadly no one could find them.

“Wait! This is ridiculous, doesn’t Izzy have a phone?” Slash growled.

“Oh yeah” Sam muttered, dialing Izzy. He picked up. There was loud techno music blaring and lots of people were laughing. “IZYY?” Sam yelled.

“HEY” Izzy yelled back.

“WHERE ARE YOU?”

“A STRIP CLUB” Izzy replied “THE ONE ON FIFTH STREET” he hung up.

“I didn’t know that Japan had numerically named streets,” Cat mused. The walked for a little while when they came to a street whose sign had the kanji for five. “Must be somewhere here,” Cat said.

“It better be,” Slash replied. “I think we’re in the red light district.” They walked into the first strip club they found and the boys, of course, were given everything on the house as soon as they walked in. “Abusing celebrity, woo!” Axl shouted, throwing his free arm in the air.

“Oh, wow-wee!” Toki said in amazement. “Can I kiss the naked girls?”

“If they let you kid,” Pickles told him. “Go crazy.”

“Wow-wee! Thanks Pickle!” yelled Toki as he ran off.

“This place doesn’t look that big, we should be able to find them soon,” Sam said.

But, in fact, the building was six stories high. Different fetishes were on every floor. “Well fuck. I’m losing my virginity just looking at this stuff” Cat muttered.

“Nawww, c’mon, s’just strippers” Pickles chuckled “Dey aint hookers”.

“JAPANESE strippers” Sam corrected.

“Kids gaht a point!” so they had to trek through fat chicks, cat girls, and French maids until they finally found Izzy, Nathan, and Murderface (all on separate floors).

Murderface was getting a lap dance from what Duff thought was a nun. Although interested, Duff had to try to talk him out of the lap dance. “You jusht don’t know how to live a little, man. Get a lap danshe, everything’ll be okay.” Duff sighed and called over a girl as temptation clouded his judgment.

Nathan was in a private room with a cat girl. “My eyes!” Cat shrieked, holding her hand over her face. She sighed, and said what she needed to say. “But we’re having fucking fun,” growled Nathan when Cat told him that they had to go back to the hotel.

“No, you’re having fucking fun,” she shot back. “I feel like I’ve been violated.”

And Izzy was, not surprisingly somehow, with a cowgirl. He didn’t look like he minded leaving too much. “So was she like from Kentucky or something?” Sam asked. He shrugged “I have no idea. She’s a stripper, not my soulmate”

“Nice attitude there, stud” Sam rolled her eyes. Izzy shrugged and lit a cigarette. “Whatever”. So they all met up at the entrance, but they were still missing Duff and Murderface.

“Where’s Duff? That fucker better not have left us for some stripper” Axl growled.

“I’m sure he’ll be down in a minute” Cat assured him.

They were waiting outside of the stripclub for thirty minutes when Axl finally growled “That’s it, I’m going to go in and get him.” Duff had somehow got suckered into joining an amateur stripper contest, and had a bunch Japanese money hanging out the front of his pants.

“What the fuck are you going, Duff?” Axl yelled at the blonde, who was spinning around a pole. “I’m not sure. I think I might be drunk.”

“Get your ass off that pole, we’re going!” Axl yelled.

“What about that guy with the triangular hair? I’m sure Dethklok will be pissy if we don’t drag him out?” Duff yelled back.

“They can go look for him themselves, then! I need to go and nurse my impending hangover.” Duff stepped down and walked out the front door with Axl.

“Thanks for ruining my time, you fucking jackass” he scowled down at Axl.

Axl scowled right back “No problem you fucking douchebag”. They both huffed and stopped looking at one another. When they got over to the group of their friends, Murderface was already there.

“How the fuck did you get out here?” Duff asked. “The front door, dumbash” Murderface snapped.”Oh”.

“Duff… why is their about 6,000 yen in your pants?” Cat asked, eyeing Duff’s crotch area warily. “Because I’m a fucking good stripper apparently” he replied proudly.

“Wow, Duff” Slash shook his head “I had no idea you were that drunk or I wouldn’t have let them take you in there”. “Thanks… I think” Duff replied, scratching his head.

“We stills needs to bail out Skwisgaar and Steven from de jails!” Toki said.

“I hope that’s enough money,” Cat said. “The police officer said that it was going to be 35,000 yen, or something like that.”

“I’m sure if we beg enough they’ll bail them out for 6,000 yen,” Sam replied, sounding confident.

“I don’t know if you realishe thish, but that’sh a big fucking differenshe,” Murderface noted.

“We can always cry if worse comes to worse,” Sam said. “I’ll say that Skwisgaar’s my legal guardian and needs to be with me at all times, or something like that.” She shrugged.

“That might work” Cat nodded thoughtfully.

“Now let’s go, I think that their cell mate was eyeing Steven”. That made everyone kick it into high gear so they could get poor Stevie out. But hen they got there, the guard as no where to be found.

“Why is their money insulating Duff’s junk?” Steven asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“It’s your bail money, you ingrate” Duff crossed his arms. Steven stifled a laugh.

“Okay then. Mr. Guard man left like ten minutes ago, so you’ll be waiting for a while.” They waited until morning actually. The guard never came back.

“Yous should trys to breaks us out” Skwisgaar suggested “Ams getting tired of sittings in here”.

“I’m so hungoverrrrr’ Axl whined, leaning heavily on Slash, who was asleep leaning against the wall.

Sam and Cat shared a look “I think we should try” Sam agreed.

“I thinks I has a nails file in my pockets,” Toki said, shoving his hand into the back pocket of his jeans. “Well hurrys up, you dildo!” Skwisgaar said, sounding very irate. “Who knows how longs it’ll take to gets us out of here with a nail file.”

“I’s tryin’ Skwisgaar!” Toki said. “Ah-ha!” He pulled a tiny emery board out of his pocket.

“Dude, Toki, that thing’s fucking tiny,” Nathan said.

“Maybe we can pick the lock,” suggested Duff. Cat pulled a bobby pin out of her hair and handed it to Nathan.

“Good luck,” she told him, patting his shoulder. He stuck the pin in the lock and jiggled it around. It clicked open, Nathan opened the door, and Skwisgaar and Steven stepped out of the cell.

“That was easier than I thought it would be” Steven noted with a satisfied nod.

“I used to break into houses for fun when I as about sixteen” Nathan shrugged.

“Oh I see” Steven replied. So they left in a hurry, not wanting the guard to come back and find them busting out.

“I fucking hate Japan” Izzy said as they lounged in their hotel room that afternoon “their strippers have small tits”.

“Wow, you’re such a perv today, Izzy” Sam pointed out. “He is indeed” Cat agreed. Izzy shrugged “Whatever”.

“Well we could go to some other country” Nathan said.

“Like IRELAND” Pickles shouted from the bathroom. “YEAH” Axl agreed “What the fuck happened to Ireland?” “Well da pilot of our hatredcopter is stupid” Pickles reminded him. “Fire him and get a new pilot,” suggested Axl.

“He wouldn’t be able to tell you how many times he’s fired people and then replaced him,” Slash said, smirking.

“Now guys,” Sam said, bromance counselor voice kicking in, “let’s not be babies and fight.”

“But he started it!” whined Axl.

“Don’t start stuff,” Cat said from a couch, flipping through a magazine.

“So we ams going to Irelands next?” Toki asked.

“If the hatredcopter pilot doesn’t fly us off course again,” Nathan said. “Let’s go, guys.”

The group left the hotel and went to the hatredcopter, which was still parked in the middle of downtown Tokyo. And off they went in the direction of Ireland.

But, of course, they didn’t land in Ireland. Because that’s boring. They instead ended up in Sweden… WHERE SKWISGAAR’S MOM GREETED THEM11!!!3YR!@!!!!!!!!